When It Just Doesn’t Settle

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What do you do if a family member dies and you feel absolutely nothing?

If you have an answer to that question, please plug it in below because I have no clue what to do.

I got news this week that my grandfather died. While most decent and normal human beings would be upset and begin the grieving process, I merely acknowledged the news with a nod as I grabbed a drink from the fridge. It’s no secret that I can be a bit rough around the edges, but even I am finding my emotional reaction a bit… troubling.

My Grandfather was not a nice man. He was not kind, he was not gentle, and he was not honest. His primary trait was selfishness and his specialty was abuse. When my Mother was growing up, he never missed an opportunity to tell her that she was stupid and worthless. He told her that she was fat, ugly, and that she would never amount to anything. Those words, no matter how untrue, will echo in Mama’s ears for the rest of her life. I see her struggle with self esteem and I see the damage that he left. That alone is unforgivable, but the story doesn’t end there.

As wonderful a father as he was, he was an even better husband. He would often quit his job for no reason and then come home to my grandmother (and his 7 children) with some story about how his boss was an asshole. My grandmother had to run  her own farm by herself because he was so undependable. It was common for him to come up with this half thought out scheme and invest all the money my grandparents had, only to abandon it when it got too hard. He made my Grandmother’s life what I would assume would pass as a living hell. She fought hard to keep her family together, but he only cared about himself.

After my Mom and her siblings grew up, he picked clear favorites and threw money at them whenever they came to him with a sob story. There are countless examples of how that ended up badly, but when it came time for those children to take care of him, they lined up to embezzle instead. They took money to add on to their houses so he could live with them, only to sell those houses and never pay the money back. They bought farm equipment, sold the farm, and again… never paid it back. Some took account numbers off of his paperwork and set their bills to auto-withdrawal from his accounts. Or maybe that was one of my cousins? It’s hard to keep track.

One of my aunts agreed to take him in and care for him in her home. She did that for 7 years, cooking his meals, doing his laundry, and putting up with his bids for attention and his manipulative mannerisms. Three weeks ago, when doctors presented him with a test he needed to complete she said he had to do it. He threw a fit and told her that she was awful and that he was giving POA to one of the children described in the last paragraph. They still expected her to continue to take care of him knowing that she couldn’t even take him to the hospital if she needed too. She told them all to go to hell and refused. They removed his things from her home and that was it. The next thing we got from that side of the family was a voicemail saying that he was dead. I have two aunts now as far as I’m concerned. But to be fair, I think that’s all I ever had seeing as one of my other aunts disowned me before I was even born.

I will not be attending the funeral, I simply don’t care enough. I regret the fact that I never got to look at him and tell him that I knew about all the horrible things he did to all of his children. Most of all, I’m sad that my grandmother died first. She was a wonderful woman and if she’d had 7 more years, she would have fixed our family. I feel cheated out of having her longer, and I hate the fact that I’ve never had a loving, close extended family because of him.

They didn’t list any of that in the obituary of course. To the world he’s a decorated veteran, an outstanding Catholic, and a loving father. But that is all a lie, and that’s why I feel apathy. I know it’s wrong to not mourn the dead. Technically I wouldn’t exist if not for him, but that the only redeeming quality I can list. I was angry for many years, now I accept what’s happened and have moved on.

It pulls at my heart to experience such a lack of compassion. I know it’s wrong in my head, but I just can’t feel it in my heart. I just pray that those donations to charity carried a lot of weight with God, because he’s got a lot to answer for.

Despite all, I’ll throw in my prayer for God’s favor, as little weight as that carries. But that’s all that will ever be, and the chapter is closed now.

The Tale of Mr. Twilight

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So by now my dating failures have become an endless source of mirth for anyone stumbling across these pages. It’s like I always say: when I mess something up, I mess it up good. In these most recent cases, my experiences have just been plain strange with little or no contribution on my end. A great example of this is the tale of “Mr. Twilight”

Mr. Twilight was named by my friend Ri because he always tries to be this brooding, mysterious figure. It’s like he read Twilight like it was some manual to pick up girls, and he honestly believes that his behavior is intriguing instead of creepy as hell. He lurks about and tries to remain aloof, when he’s really just a tool. I mean, the guy is just a complete and utter asswipe.

If I sound harsh, I’m really not being so in this situation. Let me give you the background:

So, Mr. Twilight is a patient at work. He came in and flirted with me shamelessly the day of his appointment last year. I’m oblivious, so he was obviously putting quite a bit of work into it for me to notice. A week later, when it’s time for him to pick up his contacts, he waits for me to come back from lunch to dispense his lenses (he waited 45 minutes). A couple weeks later, I run into him again at the grocery store and we have a long conversation in the middle of the produce section. He asks for my Facebook, I don’t have one, so I tell him to call me at work. Realizing that was a stupid thing to say on my drive home, I sent him a note apologizing for probably hurting his feelings. I enclosed my number with the apology. He texts me back a few days later, so I ask if he wants to meet for lunch, and he says yes.

My happiness was murdered brutally when my friend Ri looked him up on Facebook. Front and center was a lovely picture of him and his girlfriend, whom I’m assuming he didn’t think I’d find out about on account of me not having a Facebook. I might have had a rage episode filled with swear words I’d rarely used before. Either way, my indignation was palpable. I deleted and blocked his number immediately and swore that I’d never speak to that incorrigible asswipe ever again.  

If you are guessing that the story doesn’t end there, you are correct. A couple months ago he walks into the office to get a quote on contacts. Will he see any of my coworkers? Of course not. He has to wait for me for help him. Of course he proceeds to take a long time, tries to talk to me as if I don’t know what I found out, and then finally takes his leave a long ass time later. Then he comes in to place his order. Then he comes in to pick up his order. This story repeats once more. Also, I hope the dude realizes he wears monthly lenses, because he’s going through those damn things by the truckload. I might mention him wearing dailies because in 6 months, the guy has gone through almost two years of lenses. Also because I’m a snarky, observant bitch.

You Are So Dumb

So then a month later, when the whole Mike issue was going on, I walk into the studio where I take classes and guess who I see? Yup. In fact, the guy is standing right in the entrance of my classroom so I can’t get past him. He makes this huge show of being happy to see me and I was trapped into making small talk. I was about to say something, but I honestly didn’t think yelling “Get the fuck out my face!!” in an art studio was appropriate. I’d never been so happy to see my teacher arrive and save me. Then again this week the dude walks in and asks for another quote on contacts. Does he think we change the price every week? So then he wants to stand at my desk and talk about how busy he is, you know, with the end of semester (he’s a professor). I’m only supposed to have to see this tool twice a year, tops. Once yearly for his exam, another time if he buys his contacts in 6 month increments. I’ve seen this dude in the last 6 months more times than I’ve seen my brother.

Also, he never gets the message. He lurks in the waiting room, wearing his tool suit, drinking his tool coffee, all brooding and angsty as he waits for me to finish up with my patients. He’s always like “Oh, hello Kate? Fancy meeting you here… How are you? It’s so good to (I’m a tool) see (I’m a tool) you (tool, tool, tool).” “I’m just so busy with my (tool) job, see my (tool tool tool) briefcase, it’s so good to be (incomprehensible noise)….” I can’t focus in on what he’s saying for more than a sentence. I listen just enough to get him when he needs from the office, but I just can’t muster any sort of interest for anything beyond. I don’t ask him questions, I don’t show interest… I’m polite of course, but brief and direct.

This guy is becoming a running joke at work. Seriously, who does that shit besides Edward Cullen wannabes?

Courtesy Google

Courtesy Google

Mr. Twilight can go lurk in someone else’s window and be a creep. I have no time for pathetic attempts to be brooding and mysterious, especially when I know that there is no reason for this guy to be visiting my place of work at least once a month. Also, it’s never gonna happen, and I have no clue what he’s wanting out of our exchanges. Because it can not be copious amounts of contacts, unless he’s eating them or something…

Wait, what if he is?

Direction Changes: How My Life Never Goes According to Plan

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I thought that unfortunate things only happened to select people. People that either didn’t pay attention, didn’t care, or had questionable decision making skills. If anyone had told me long ago that insane things would happen to me, I would never have believed them. I mean, terrible things happen every day. But they happen to people far away, not here. Not to me.

I’m grateful I’m finally standing on my own after all this time. But sometimes I still feel a bit wobbly. This reminds me of when I was learning the balance beam in gymnastics… one foot in front of the other, breathing very controlled, and praying that one of my knees wouldn’t give out. Falling, yet again, is not an option.

The 12th of this month would have been my wedding day. In some ways, I miss the part of my life where I had no fear of the future. No matter what, I thought that Luis and I would get through it together. I was so assured and ready for the new chapter we would have started next week. But that didn’t really work out the way I thought it would. I came home one night to “This is wrong, this is all wrong, there is no way that this will ever work. I’ve thought it through a million times and there is no solution. We’ll never make it. We just won’t, there is no way. I can’t be what you need, I’m not the person you think I am. You see the best in everyone, but there is no way I can be what you need. I don’t love you, if I ever did at all. I’m so sorry, but this is over.”

I feel disappointed in myself. After those words, I went into a free fall. You remember, and if you don’t, feel free to search the archives. All that time I spent piecing myself back together again was necessary, and I know it was. I just hate that I couldn’t have done it faster. I wish I had that ability to just bounce back and hit the ground running again. I lost a good year of my life in that situation. Now, I’ve made substantial progress since that happened. I established my career, got my professional certification, re-established my interests, and I bought a new car. Now I’m seriously considering moving out and making this work on my own.

No matter what I do, I feel a stifling sadness as I consider this next step. I feel like I’m doing all of this alone, and I’m terrified. This next step in my life is always one I hoped to take with someone else. I’m not having any luck in that department and I don’t want to sit around and put my life on hold. Some days, I feel completely fine and prepared for the next step. Then, I think some more about it and I feel like I failed.

I wonder if there was anything I could have done to save my previous relationship. I’ve tried for years now to find someone that even comes close to Luis, but I can’t. It’s so hard to find shared values, interests, and geographical compatibility. I also refuse to settle for anyone that isn’t someone I’d want to spend the rest of my life with. I don’t believe in just dating for the hell of it, and I can’t find anything of quality. I’ve exhausted all means of meeting people, even down to joining eHarmony. Online Dating

I was talking to someone for two months and then he decided that he wouldn’t relocate. The issue with that is that he only lives 3 hours away and he told me right at the start of communication that he’d relocate if things got serious. So I was pissed as hell, but still tactfully ended the communication. I started talking to another guy yesterday but I’ve already ended that because his profile screams contradictions. I’m sure everyone knows the type… the guys who don’t want someone vain or materialistic, but will flip out of you gain 10 pounds and cease to look perfect. The guys who are in church every Sunday, waiving around their Bibles and soaking up the “holier than thou”, but won’t date someone who refuses to sleep with them before marriage. Stuff like that really makes me hate the whole institution.

My biggest challenge thusfar: finding a guy not obsessed with a Jersey Shore stereotype. Guys post pictures of themselves shirtless all the time. All the time. I hate that, it’s like that’s all they think women care about or something, plus it’s just enraging and indecent. Whenever I find a profile of someone actually clothed, I’m feel like sending an award of some type.

Courtesy Google

Courtesy Google

I’m tired of reading “I gotta go to the gym 7 times a week, gotta work on mad muscle, you know? Want a girl who will lift weights with me and run so we can both b fly az hell. Love being ripped, take supplements and drink protein shakes all day. Also love playin sports with my bros. Check this pic of me out! *(insert shirtless dirty bathroom selfie), (insert shirtless sunglasses selfie taken in the car), (insert partying selfie of guido drinking straight out of a beer pitcher)* Come on. I mean, really, come on. I can’t get that selfie song out of my head every time I see a profile like that. Ugh!

I’m thinking of adding to my profile “Must be honest, decent, and kind. Manners and intelligence are a must. A great sense of humor is almost as important as an open mind. I have friends and family members who are gay and who practice all different religions from Hinduism to Kemetic Paganism, intolerance is not an option. My career is established and I have obligations to my family, I cannot relocate. I hate going to the gym and I’m not that great at sports. My drive to be married is extremely high, and I’m very serious about this. Know that before you contact me.” All that because saying “Losers need not apply” is frowned upon in polite company.

I’m thinking about pulling my profile off of eHarmony, I don’t seem to be having the success I thought I’d have. Granted I’ve interacted with about 7 or 8 different guys, 1 seriously… but it’s been about 3 or so months. I originally thought I’d give it 6 months but maybe it would be better if I pulled my profile and focused on moving out and conquering my fear first.

Too many things to think about, but at least I’ve got time. There isn’t a time crunch, I don’t have anyone pushing me. I do have this goal that’s not going well, but I still have the hope that maybe one day this will all fall into place. In the meantime, I’ll continue doing the best that I can. What exactly that entails… well, I’m still working on that.

Who Wants an Adult Beverage?

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I know I do. 

So, I’ve been talking to a man I met through online dating for about a month now. So far it’s been going quite well. There’s a ton to write on this topic, so I’ll have to do one post devoted just to that. Well, if it lasts. With these things, one never knows. 

Work is insane. My partner is on another bender, we hired two new people, and I’ve taken up eating hummus and pretzels by the bucketful. The new guy keeps trying to flirt with me, which I find freaking hilarious because it’s never gonna happen, but hey… I guess I have that magnetism when around another person for 40 hours a week. 

My car’s computer crashed today which was super fun. I had to drive it down to the dealership and I wasn’t able to eat anything until I got home after 5PM tonight. I’m scary when I’m hungry. But I did get a smile out of the deal… the repair men referred to me as “the pretty one” when handing papers back and forth. Good hearing sometimes works in my favor.

I visited some of you today, the rest I hope to see over the weekend. This weekend I have to work (again) because we are behind, then I have a baby shower to wrestle through and then I have to replace heels for work. *sigh* shoe shopping, whatever am I to do?

I’ve set the goal of paying off my car this year. That’s a tall order if I don’t say so myself. Next year the goal is to move out. Because I’m me, I already have two places picked. The rest I’ll have to figure out next year when I’m actually, you know, moving. 

So life is good and bad and messy and stressful, but when is it not? The only day I’m kind of dreading is next month, which holds the 12th, which was supposed to be my wedding day. Thank God I’m not going through with that. I haven’t even worn my rings in the longest time. It feels good to be looking forward and towards something new. 

 

Is This It?

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I’m back!

Y’all know I’ve kind of put blogging on hold while I attempt to focus on creating a long term relationship with someone. Well, about that… It’s not working out. I wish that I could say that I’ve discovered that perfect someone and that everything is going great, but finding someone decent is like pulling teeth. 

It just feels like I’m slamming into a brick wall over and over again. Online dating aside, the guys I’m interested in aren’t interested in me, the guys I date put on a great show but are ultimately immature, and some guys just ghost. Poof! Mid-conversation on text and they are gone. They ask me out on a date and get my number, then they cancel at the last minute and I never see them again. What the ever loving hell am I supposed to do with this? Seriously, what the fuck am I supposed to do here?

I go online to find success, that’s what I fucking do. I go online everyday and I check my matches. I engage, I respond, I’m in it 100%. I found someone I liked enough to start emailing (a big thing for me), and after a week of emailing, we exchanged phone numbers. We’ve been texting every night for a few days now. He has potential, I’ll admit it. But last night I told him that I swear and that I have road rage, and he responded by saying that he hasn’t cursed in 5 years. I haven’t cursed in 5 seconds! I asked him for more details and then… poof! Gone. Was it an accident? Was it intentional? I have no clue because I haven’t heard anything. Now, he might have a good explanation. I might never hear from him again because I might have walked into a deal breaker land mine. Whoops! There goes my leg!

Being in this process is exhausting, demoralizing, and it just makes me want to cry sometimes. This whole process is very invasive and some days I just don’t have the resilience for it. It hurts. Being passed over hurts, being evaluated so thoroughly is unnerving. There is no comfort zone, there is no safe zone… essentially it’s like standing in the middle of a war zone and hoping to God the person coming towards you is there to help you, not kill you. Every day I feel like there is something wrong with me. That I’m too independent, too outspoken, too stubborn.

I am who I am and I can’t change that. I don’t want to change that. What I want is someone to be just as scared as I am. Someone who knows what I’m feeling. I need someone who won’t use my vulnerability to hurt me. Honestly, I just want to grab that one other person and get the hell off the playing field. I’m tired, I’m just so tired. And I’m frustrated.

I want to know why this is happening to me. Am I being punished? Am I not ready? Am I trying too hard? Am I not trying enough? Am I too picky? Am I too accommodating? Are men afraid of me? Should they be? Am I just not… __________ enough?

I’ve tried dating through school, work, friends… I’ve tried blind dates, meeting people through friends… Hell, I’ve even met people through acquaintances. I’ve dated close friends and complete strangers. I’ve dated different races, different religions, different professions, different political leanings. I’ve dated men with children, men recovering from addiction, men without cars, men that were gay…

Yet I’m here, and I’m not happy. I was supposed to be married on April 12th. The only man I’ve ever loved left me, and I’m still discovering all the baggage he left behind. The issues with self esteem, self confidence… fear. So much fear. The fact that I can’t shake the feeling that no one is coming. The knowledge that some people were meant to be married and have families and live the life I want, but that I might not be one of those people. The uncertainty I face every day, the terror that I might not even be meant for someone.

How do I deal with that? How do I accept my life and accept myself as I am? How do I move forward? I don’t know. No one knows.

How long do I have to go through this hell? Until I find someone, or until I completely give up hope?

Tonight I don’t feel like I can do it much longer. I’m completely demoralized. I’ve stressed over this to the point where I just feel ill. Maybe what I need is to take a break for a bit. Maybe I should dive into it more.

God, will someone just tell me what the hell is going on and what I have to do?

My Life is Vexing

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How this happened in complicated indeed. Let’s recap right quick:

1. I’m trying online dating

2. I met this great guy named Alex who was the holy grail

3. Holy grail can’t press the next button. Super. He’s out.

4. Met a guy named Robbie, really great… we’re emailing back and forth.

5. Bryce, the dude who stood me up (kinda) at the office Christmas party came in to work out of the blue, apologized, and asked me out this weekend.

What the ever loving hell is going on?

Adventures in Online Dating

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Oh online dating. How amusing I find thee…

First, let’s talk about work to set the tone for the rest of this piece. My partner is out on a mental health trip. If you remember, every time she feels that life is too overwhelming, she checks herself into the damn hospital for God knows how fucking long. So far now, we are on a week. A couple times before, she was out for an entire month. An entire month of no-call, no-shows. Meanwhile, I forgot what a lunch break is and my new hours suck. I’m pissed. Absolutely pissed.

So, in keeping my work mood in mind…

Let’s talk about dating. Apparently I’m too damn picky and impatient. Never in my entire life did I think that finding someone would be this hard. But again, it’s me that’s the issue. I signed up for eHarmony and I’ve been on that site for a couple weeks now. I’ve had a few guys interested, but they weren’t really what I’m looking for. One match was a biology lab assistant/retail dude who doesn’t think women should fly planes. I cannot understand that one for the life of me. I also keep attracting far right stereotypes. No, I take that back… extreme right stereotypes. One guy was posing with a fucking AK-47 in his profile photo. No, do not want. DO NOT WANT. On the other side, I get far left stereotypes. No, I don’t want to ford the Amazon to save the rain forest or whatever the hell… 

Normal. I just want a nice, normal, decent guy who has a huge heart and an even bigger brain. Preferably not crazy. Definitely no shirtless photos or AK-47s. No sketch colleges, no rosaries around their necks. No selfies with dirty bathrooms in the background.

I’m too picky. Obviously.

Is This Giving Up?

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Well, the thing with Mike is over. He friend zoned me and I decided that I just can’t handle it.

I mean, everything was going so well and then he freaked out. He tried to blame it on me when we met up last weekend and it was just a confusing nightmare. He thinks that relationships should just “happen” and should not require effort. (That sound you just heard was my hand slamming into my face.) I’m just pissed off, let down, and frustrated. And hurt. Really, really hurt.

I hate getting dismissed as a person by someone who didn’t even take the time to get to know me. Especially when everything was going so well and when we had so much in common. Dating is hard enough already, I don’t think people should make it any harder than it is. He doesn’t even realize that he did anything wrong. That’s what really gets me. He wants to be friends first until he figures out if he wants to further the relationship. Evidently, this means dropping off the face of the Earth for days at a time and contacting me when everything is on his terms.

After talking it over with the family, I made a decision today to join eHarmony. Is this what giving up feels like? I’m ready for a relationship, every other avenue has failed, and I can’t seem to find any men of good quality. I already have creepers that won’t leave me alone, why not try creepers from the internet that I can block?

I’m nervous, but I’ve already gotten messages, views, and questions sent to me. Plus, I don’t feel so angry about the whole thing. I know people that have met each other online and who went on the have very successful and happy marriages. It’s not like I’m out anything, right?

Online dating just feels weird though. Maybe I need some time to get accustomed to it.

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