Thoughts that Get Me in Trouble


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Long overdue for one of these… It’s time for me to share my extremely unpopular opinion and get hate mail! I will set up a disclaimer here though, if you do not wish to hear my potty mouth, proceed no further. And this is a very, very difficult ongoing topic. By no means do I wish to generalize an extremely complex issue. I am no expert on this, this is just my opinion, and I’m very upset, so please take it as such.

So, I’d like to open with the predominately agreeable position that ISIL (or ISIS or IS or whatever term you prefer) is fucking crazy. I think that is honestly the biggest understatement of all time, because how can sane, rational people do the things that they are doing and literally not shut down? It’s not possible. These people were always fucking insane OR made a conscious decision to listen to the radicalized bullshit and buy into it. I’m not sure which is worse.

Don’t even get me started on how people who should have fucking known better leave countries in the west (or anywhere) to go join a terrorist organization trying to call itself a caliphate. How? How can you be filled with so much hate for humanity that you think that’s a good idea? That what they think is an “acceptable” way to live is anywhere near acceptable? This caliphate thing is never going to happen. Literally everyone in the world hates them, rightfully so. They will have no trade, no economy, no willing citizens, no education system worth anything, and no chance at competing in a global arena. Honestly, if it weren’t for the innocent people trapped in Syria, I’d advocate just bombing the hell out of the whole area.

I’m not prone to violence. I believe that everyone can be reasoned with. But these… people, they aren’t people. They are animals. They care for no one and nothing. They are pinning their dreams on some idealistic society that will not work. They preach hatred and violence. They steal young girls, murder their families, rape them, then call the girls “war prizes”. They throw gay people off of buildings. They post fucking recipes for millet balls or whatever the fuck those things were on instagram like this whole war is some sort of social media joke. They take videos of themselves murdering and executing people and post them on Youtube for everyone to see. And you know what, people are listening to them. People are leaving to go help them fight. Women are leaving their homes and families to fly across the world and “marry” them in order to get pregnant and birth the next generation.

I… how is that even a good idea? As a woman, I cannot fathom that. You are going to watch a video and then decide to leave your entire life? You’ll leave your whole family, fly around the world to a war torn, ravaged country that people are fleeing from, and you are going to go there to find your… Mr. Jihadi? Think that through. You have no way out. No way to communicate. Arabic isn’t the easiest language to learn. To speak, or read. And everyone is too damn busy killing innocent people to teach you! They have no institutionalized medical care, sans the people they force at pain of death to work in their field hospitals. The man you marry or whatever that is, because it’s not marriage, will be dead in… like, 4 months. That’s the life expectancy. You’ll be passed around like a baby factory because that’s honestly what you’ll be. Abusive relationship? Too bad. You have no rights. There are no social systems. There are bombings, bullets… what if you lose your glasses? No one can even make you a damn set of glasses. Don’t even ask about running water or sanitation or power…

How is this working? How on earth are they convincing people that living like that is a good way to live? I know that they are feeding on the people that never quite felt that they fit in or that they belonged… but how do you even reconcile that in your brain? These people are not fighting for a way of life. They are fighting to be terrorists and to have that be internationally okay. How do they think that this is going to end?

And no matter what they say, the whole religion guise that they are pulling is utter bullshit. No religion advocates their actions. They take passages out of holy books and twist them to their own perverted agenda. Whatever deity they think they are pleasing and following, I’m pretty sure looks a lot like Satan or the equivalent. Because no one can do what they do and then think of themselves as holy. There is no excuse, nor will there ever be for their actions. They are firmly appalling and morally reprehensible.

If there was ever a case to have a world police, this would be it. I feel that the only thing that can fix this is to exterminate ISIL and everyone in it who chose it willingly. If only everything was that simple. I guess we start with stopping an influx into their numbers. And then we cut them off from the outside. And then we help those willing to fight them if we are unwilling to do so ourselves. Afterwards, I have no clue. But in order to see the ground and know what we, as humans, need to do, you need to clear all the roaches off of it.

And that is my thought on this whole thing. But the world doesn’t obey my thoughts. Maybe that’s good. Or bad. But no matter what, this is a tragedy. I’ve seen too many of those in my short lifetime already and I’m tired of it. My heart hurts after watching what happened to innocent people. This is the modern era, I had thought at one time that humanity was better than that and that we’d come so far.

That was a bitter, painful disappointment.

On Work and… More Work. And Audits.


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So I’ve had quite the last few months. When I was searching for a job up here, I was really frantic and worried. I didn’t want to start off my marriage on one income if I didn’t have to. But I was determined to start my life with Will and a job was not going to get in my way.

I searched for vision centers first, then I applied for hospital systems, and then for regular healthcare admin jobs. I know that moving was my perfect excuse to get out of Optometry but… the thought of that made me sad. I really do love what I do, as weird as that is. I got glowing letters of recommendation from my bosses and I stayed up until 2AM for weeks just putting in application after application. I got a few interviews but… I refuse to work for a place with holes burned in the carpet (cough, cough, Lenscrafters). I was too expensive for a couple other places (cough, cough, PearleVision). I had an interview with a specialty hospital up here but… I wanted to stay with a private practice.

I started my new job a few days after I got married. I didn’t know it at the time, but I work for a specialty practice. We do a lot of fittings for specialty contacts for patients who have some pretty serious issues, like severe dry eyes (so severe the eye attacks itself and wastes away) and patients who were in traumatic accidents. It’s been a learning process, these lenses are unlike anything I’ve ever dealt with. I’ve figured out how to fight insurance and disability battles for my patients. I’ve also had to figure out credentialing, and now I’m a HIPAA compliance officer. This Monday, I basically prayed for the phone to ring because I was going through our internal audit and making a list of the policies and procedures I need to change. I have a whole binder of audit. A binder.

I’m also the IT person because shit never breaks when we are doing catch up work. Nope. Exam lanes all full? Patients waiting? Damn printer breaks. Last month, I was crouched on the floor in 3 inch heels, full makeup, and my ruffled dress with a pair of pliers and a pen light in my mouth trying to fix a part of the feeder that decided to break. Today the server overheated. Pretty soon after I started, the optical computers decided to switch parts of their user menus to some Slavic language and nothing made sense (we got new computers shortly after). I’ve digitized so many files and I’ve updated so many forms. I’m learning encryption right now. That is going to take a while.

I also have started to collect patients that I’m rather fond of. The specialty lens patients are pretty easy to like. I can’t imagine what they go through during this whole process, but they are the most determined and most resilient of all our patients. And also, the most grateful. Plus, we see them all the time so they become almost like friends.

I’m quite happy with my job. But it’s exhausting sometimes. Hopefully I’ll get better at handing the stress.

Of Plagues and Jobs


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I can’t think of a decent title. Maybe that’s a good thing.

I have been sick ever since Wednesday with some horrid cold/flu mixture. Whatever this is, it’s crafty. I was convinced on Wednesday that the end was nigh, this thought cemented by my 101.6 fever. I don’t remember much of Wednesday night.

I went to the doctor on Thursday and… nothing. No symptoms besides my throat being slightly swollen. I leave the doctor, immediately go home and rest, happy that I’ll feel better the next morning. And I did. Then I got home from work on Friday. And then I didn’t. This plague keeps coming back every night. Damn thing.

Of course my husband contracted it too. Today is by far the worst he’s been, I doubt I’ll get his fever to break tonight, but I’m hopeful. I always feel bad when he gets sick  because I know he’s sick because he was taking care of me. I never used to get sick, but since I moved I feel like I’m getting sick every other weekend. Oh, because I am.

Seriously, what the fuck Jacksonville? Why do you hate me?


This week was actually pretty decent, plague aside. Will has been looking for another job for a couple weeks after he finally had enough of the work politics. I thought that I had worked some really tough jobs in my life, but honestly, he has the worst luck.

He worked one job in financial services where the normal thing to do was go gambling for your lunch break and shoot up cocaine in the bathroom when you got bored. After he ran like hell switched jobs, he ended up at a place where women were held in high esteem and men were very scarce.

He was accused of being “aggressive” when he asked other departments for documents to submit for state review. He had to copy his (female) supervisor on all of his outgoing emails for months so she could prove he was not aggressive. Then, he was told to put blank papers on his desk (even though all of his files are on his computer because they contain people’s Social Security Numbers, dates of birth, yearly pay, etc.) because “someone walked by and said it didn’t look like you were working because there were no papers on your desk”. After that people complained that he “wasn’t at his desk”, so he had to make his calendar public so everyone could see when he was in a meeting. It goes on and on.

You can imagine how stressful that is. The back stabbing and the favoritism finally became too much. However, he accepted a new job on Friday with better pay, benefits, and hours. And it’s a very small company, so I hope they treat their people decently.

I think I’ll end this on that optimistic note. I hope this weekend found all of you well! I hope to write more soon, but you know how that goes.

More Changes


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I feel as if I’ve completely neglected my blog for the past… year. Because I have.

Anyway, moving right along. I’ve been busy!

I’m married now, I moved to North Florida, I climbed a couple tiers in my career and have a great new job, my name changed of course, and I added several paintings to the collection. I’m looking into starting my own business as well, but that takes more time than I have right now.

Of course there is more going on, but that’s all the big stuff. Now that I feel a little centered in life, and once I establish a schedule around home, work, and hobbies, I’m hoping I’ll have time to blog like I did in years past. This is a whole new chapter that I am very excited for, and will be a great time to learn and grow.

It’s been amazing to come home every day. No traveling, no sad goodbyes every couple days… I go home, to my home, every day. My husband is here, my cat will be here in a couple days, and all of my things are here in one place.

I’m starting to settle into my new home. Learning how to navigate and live in a new city has it’s challenges, but so far has been manageable. This week I get to learn all the administration buildings for the county, thank God none of them are downtown!

I hope this finds all of you happy, healthy, and well. I look forward to catching up as soon as time allows!

Living The Couple Life


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Apologies for my hiatus, I assure you I was up to no good as always.

Life around here has been quite the adjustment as of late. Will proposed to me on July 3rd, and I of course, accepted. I still can’t quite believe any of this is really happening. My family is absolutely ecstatic! Mom and I are talking honeymoons and houses, dresses and name changes. It’s quite a lot to deal with, this whole marriage thing. Will and I have come to the decision that a huge wedding isn’t for us. We haven’t decided on the ceremony type we want, but it will probably be small and informal, followed by an amazing honeymoon. I can’t seem to look at the amount of money it would take for a wedding without having a panic attack. I’d rather use that as a down payment on a house, or something else that will help us out in the long term.

I must admit that I grew rather fond of the single life… No responsibilities to anyone besides myself. I do miss my weekends spent playing Skyrim for days on end and only showering to change into another set to PJ’s. Thankfully, he’s worth breaking my sloth habits. And good thing for that too, because I’m cooking and cleaning, doing laundry for two, figuring out dinner menus, packing lunches, and working as many hours as I can to get extra money. Will is doing the same, so that keeps us quite busy. Actually, he is beginning grant season, so I’m preparing to become a widow for the next 6 or so months. Ugh. Last year he ended up sleeping in his office and living off of microwave meals. I’m really hoping that there won’t be a repeat this year.

Adjusting to a couple’s life has been quite daunting at times, but nice. Will is a wonderful compliment to my overly bubbly, exuberant self. He’s very grounded and even at times… stoic. We always joke that I make him nicer and he makes me a little bit tougher. But adjusting to having two people trying to go in the same direction has been difficult at times. Like this morning.

***Next week*** (See what I mean about time?)

I think the worst thing I’ve had to deal with has been everyone sticking their noses where they don’t belong. Family tries to sway decisions this way and that way, coworkers want to know every little thing… It’s incredibly annoying. While well intentioned, sometimes I wish everyone would shut up for two seconds and leave us alone! I don’t want to talk about dresses all the time, and I really, really don’t want to hear about all the problems people assume Will and I will have. This is a learning process for both of us, the only promise I made to Will is that I would love him, stand with him, and try my absolute best.

Here are some annoying things people say:

“You think that love is all that matters…” Of course not, else I would have married a chocolate bar…

“You are dead until the moment you get married, then your life really begins…” Thanks for invalidating my entire life. I really appreciate that.

“You have no experience, if you get married soon your marriage will fail” I wasn’t aware that experience that you are assuming I don’t have is a prerequisite to my success.

“The transition will be incredibly rough” If it is, we’ll get through it. It might not be. We won’t know until we are in the middle of it. All I can do is trust my husband to stand with me and figure it out.

“You might not make it, you know 50% of couples get divorced.” 50% don’t, and who are you to judge either way?

“Am I invited to the wedding???!” ……………………………..?

“When you get to (insert life stage here), you’ll understand” Maybe I have to go through this life stage to get to that one so I can give ominous condescending advice to couples just starting out.

“Are you sure about this?” Noooooo. It just sounded like a lot of fun. In no way is it challenging, in no way does it have the potential to ruin my life and hurt those I love. I just randomly decided to get married because I got really bored and I thought he was cute.

“You don’t look… lovey enough. That’s going to be a problem.” Just because I’m not draped all over him in public doesn’t mean we aren’t in love. I’m sorry, but over the top PDA makes me physically ill. Any PDA in front of my parents is creepy too. Eww.

“If the honeymoon stage is already done, you’re done.” I didn’t know being comfortable with someone was a bad thing. He’s my whole world, but I don’t sit there and gush about it. Like PDA, GAG!

It seems like when something really momentous in someone’s life occurs, instead of being happy, a lot of people are negative. I just wish people would smile, say congratulations, and wish us luck. Ultimately it is up to the two of us to make our relationship everything that we want it to be.

My parents have been very supportive of us, but often like to assume things that just make me want to smash my head into a wall. That lovey comment was my Mom. She was arguing that Will and I disagree vocally quite a bit and don’t give each other googly eyes. She is right on both counts. We are both trying to figure out how to compromise because we are incredibly stubborn. We like our things one way because our way is best. That leads to issues and voices do get raised. But she hasn’t seen us resolve our disagreements, come up with a better solution and move forward. We do that in private, because neither of us want anyone else involved. I can’t help getting mad right in that moment and shooting out a sarcastic comment. But I can appreciate the fine art of shutting up so that’s all anyone hears.

One thing that she was completely right about was how we are both so focused on getting to the next step, we don’t enjoy being together right now enough. Both of us are extremely driven. When we want something, we get it. So both of us have been dealing with pretty heavy stuff all the time trying to figure out how we are going to get to the point of saying our vows and moving in together. We are both too stressed about paychecks, insurance, switching jobs, moving out of state, apartments or houses… that’s just not good. So to fix that, we are going to go spend a weekend away and discuss how we can handle this stress better and be there for each other more.

So that will be where we are this weekend. We shall hopefully have a wonderful time and get to really relax for a little bit. Thankfully throughout the holidays we have quite a few days scheduled off so we will be able to see each other a lot more. It is hard living in two different cities and only getting to see each other on the weekends. Yet another strain on the relationship, but it is definitely making our time together so much more valuable. I’ll be so happy when I get to come home every day and know that he’s there.

I hope all of you are well! I don’t know if I’ll be around more often. I’m going to try to, but that didn’t work out well these past few months….

My Engagement Ring


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For all those who would wish to see it!

My stone is larger than the one in the picture, it is 1.1 carat solitaire Aquamarine so the setting is more of a square base instead of curved. Will also had the jeweler insert his initials (WS) into the setting. It is also engraved with “In perpetuum diemque”, which means “forever and a day”.

From the front:

My Ring 1

From the side:

My Ring 2

My wedding band:

My wedding band


Those looking to find the ring itself, the link is here.

I Found Him!


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I have met my husband.

Thank God and eHarmony and a little thing called hope. Just when I’d almost completely given up (and thank you to everyone who encouraged me to keep my eHarmony account open), the most unexpected and wonderful thing happened… I met Will!

Will is perhaps the most amazing person that I have ever met. There is an inherent goodness in him that I’ve never seen before in another person. When I first saw his profile, the first thing I thought was “oh my Lord, this guy is so out of my league!”… he really is but that is another story.

So what shall I tell you about Will?

Well, when we were first getting to know each other on the site, I asked him so many questions I thought for sure he was going to run. In fact, I kind of wanted him to run so I’d never get hurt. I’ll admit that I was looking and wanted a relationship, but I was so dejected and annoyed with the process I thought that I was better off alone. More time to play Skyrim and eat baconators! So imagine my intrigue when instead of pressing the “next” button, he rose to the challenge. Imagine the look on my face when he began talking to me about religion! He also sent back a slew of thoughtful questions about my family and my paintings… clearly someone I couldn’t dismiss. We’d send pages worth of text to each other every night for weeks, I’d wait eagerly for my phone to go off in the morning so I could read what he sent me. Our first phone call was three hours and it felt like three minutes. He was so open and easy to talk to! One thing I love about Will is the fact that he doesn’t hide anything from me. He is so painfully honest it’s reassuring. He told me about the woman he was with for five years and I told him all about Luis. And that was only the first call! It was so comforting to know someone who has gone through a similar experience. I mean, if you really think about it, things like that leave scars. Only someone who has gone through the same type of thing can understand the fears and the triggers that I have now.

Because we’d spent so much time getting to know each other and had grilled each other so thoroughly, when we actually did meet everything felt so… comfortable. It just felt right. As soon as he got out of the car, all I wanted to do was hug him. He was exactly as he had portrayed (only even more handsome), which in the world of online dating is the equivalent of finding a pot of gold. I’d gotten pepper spray for the occasion, but thankfully using it was the last thing on my mind! I did get the tags off his car though, but he just laughed at me and let me do it.

We got lost on the way to the museum, so we were both laughing and swearing at our phones as we tried to solve the problem. Getting lost was half the fun, especially as we were holding hands and people watching. As we went through, we talked about his family and he answered my relentless questions on how law school was and how he’d gotten to be where he is today. I’d never met someone so open and candid, but also genuinely interested in what I had to say. He’s terrifyingly intelligent, yet he has a solid base of priorities. He has an undergrad in Chemistry and a very formidable law degree, but instead of ruling the world, he works for a healthcare nonprofit. His vocabulary rivals my own and the way he thinks about things is utterly fascinating.

I figured it was going well when we were eating lunch together and I was acting completely normal. I’ll admit that I completely freak out on first dates and usually eat the equivalent of an almond, but I think I ate more than he did. We talked about foreign affairs, politics, investments, traveling… a huge variety of topics and he never skipped a beat. Towards the end, I looked over and I told him “I know this is insane, and I don’t want to be that girl, but it feels like we’ve known each other forever.” I think his face lit up just a little bit. He later admitted that he’d been thinking the same thing.

Fast forward a little bit and here we are today. He looks at me like I’m the only thing in the world that matters. He never gets frightened away by the crazy things I do that really don’t make sense. In a world where affection is conditional I know his is unconditional. The way he speaks to me is unlike anything else. He speaks to me with such kindness and respect that I can’t help but feel so lucky to have him. He is a champion of doing little things, like texting me good morning and good night. He’s currently living over 100 miles away, but he drives down every weekend to spend time with me and he’s in the process of getting a job here.

He has one of the most beautiful hearts I have ever seen, there is an inherent kindness and gentleness to him that takes my breath away. His genuine concern for others and his generous nature are just a few things that truly set him apart from anyone else I’ve dated. He has a striking morality and a passion for doing right by others no matter their circumstance. When I asked him why he always so conscious of others, he responded that each person has potential within them for greatness. He doesn’t ever want to be the person that refused to lend a hand when someone else was in need.

He wants the same things, he admires my strong personality, and above all, he is one of the most impressive, wonderful men I’ve ever met. I feel like I’m the luckiest girl in the world that a man like him would ever love me. But it just works so seamlessly and so effortlessly, I can’t imagine a future without him in it. That doesn’t mean that everything is all love and roses, there are things we must work through just like any other relationship. But I never doubt his commitment, not even for a second.

He makes me happy, but most of all, he makes me want to be better than I am every single day. He brings out the absolute best in me, he encourages me, and he supports me unwaveringly. I’ve always been told that when you know, you know. Now I understand what they meant. I understand now why I’ve had to go through every experience in my past. Although it wasn’t always fun, it was worth the wait.

Annnnnd It’s Gone


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And... It's gone.

Like my hopes and dreams and all that good stuff

My inheritance that is. It’s completely gone.

To add to the story I began last post, I found out yesterday that the day after my grandfather passed away someone went to the bank and cleared out all of his accounts. They cashed out even the money in holding (taking massive penalties of course) and walked out with everything in cash. The money that my grandfather had was to be distributed equally among his six surviving children. Someone decided that wills and laws were for morons and went renegade. The money that my mother was supposed to receive was going to put in accounts and distributed equally to my sister and I at a later date.

So someone took my inheritance. And I’m not surprised. But I really do hope that whoever it was gets explosive diarrhea at the worst possible moment. That money is cursed, it’s blood money and nothing good will ever come of it. One this is for sure, I’ve heaped on an extra curse just because I can.

Bastards! But on the bright side, they did leave $4 in the checking account. My Dad said we should divide that equally like the rest was supposed to be. We are thinking… $0.22 each, sent certified mail, cash on delivery.

*Evil Laughter*

Happy Easter everyone! Hug your family members tightly and say a prayer of thanks that they aren’t lying, cheating assholes.


When It Just Doesn’t Settle


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What do you do if a family member dies and you feel absolutely nothing?

If you have an answer to that question, please plug it in below because I have no clue what to do.

I got news this week that my grandfather died. While most decent and normal human beings would be upset and begin the grieving process, I merely acknowledged the news with a nod as I grabbed a drink from the fridge. It’s no secret that I can be a bit rough around the edges, but even I am finding my emotional reaction a bit… troubling.

My Grandfather was not a nice man. He was not kind, he was not gentle, and he was not honest. His primary trait was selfishness and his specialty was abuse. When my Mother was growing up, he never missed an opportunity to tell her that she was stupid and worthless. He told her that she was fat, ugly, and that she would never amount to anything. Those words, no matter how untrue, will echo in Mama’s ears for the rest of her life. I see her struggle with self esteem and I see the damage that he left. That alone is unforgivable, but the story doesn’t end there.

As wonderful a father as he was, he was an even better husband. He would often quit his job for no reason and then come home to my grandmother (and his 7 children) with some story about how his boss was an asshole. My grandmother had to run  her own farm by herself because he was so undependable. It was common for him to come up with this half thought out scheme and invest all the money my grandparents had, only to abandon it when it got too hard. He made my Grandmother’s life what I would assume would pass as a living hell. She fought hard to keep her family together, but he only cared about himself.

After my Mom and her siblings grew up, he picked clear favorites and threw money at them whenever they came to him with a sob story. There are countless examples of how that ended up badly, but when it came time for those children to take care of him, they lined up to embezzle instead. They took money to add on to their houses so he could live with them, only to sell those houses and never pay the money back. They bought farm equipment, sold the farm, and again… never paid it back. Some took account numbers off of his paperwork and set their bills to auto-withdrawal from his accounts. Or maybe that was one of my cousins? It’s hard to keep track.

One of my aunts agreed to take him in and care for him in her home. She did that for 7 years, cooking his meals, doing his laundry, and putting up with his bids for attention and his manipulative mannerisms. Three weeks ago, when doctors presented him with a test he needed to complete she said he had to do it. He threw a fit and told her that she was awful and that he was giving POA to one of the children described in the last paragraph. They still expected her to continue to take care of him knowing that she couldn’t even take him to the hospital if she needed too. She told them all to go to hell and refused. They removed his things from her home and that was it. The next thing we got from that side of the family was a voicemail saying that he was dead. I have two aunts now as far as I’m concerned. But to be fair, I think that’s all I ever had seeing as one of my other aunts disowned me before I was even born.

I will not be attending the funeral, I simply don’t care enough. I regret the fact that I never got to look at him and tell him that I knew about all the horrible things he did to all of his children. Most of all, I’m sad that my grandmother died first. She was a wonderful woman and if she’d had 7 more years, she would have fixed our family. I feel cheated out of having her longer, and I hate the fact that I’ve never had a loving, close extended family because of him.

They didn’t list any of that in the obituary of course. To the world he’s a decorated veteran, an outstanding Catholic, and a loving father. But that is all a lie, and that’s why I feel apathy. I know it’s wrong to not mourn the dead. Technically I wouldn’t exist if not for him, but that the only redeeming quality I can list. I was angry for many years, now I accept what’s happened and have moved on.

It pulls at my heart to experience such a lack of compassion. I know it’s wrong in my head, but I just can’t feel it in my heart. I just pray that those donations to charity carried a lot of weight with God, because he’s got a lot to answer for.

Despite all, I’ll throw in my prayer for God’s favor, as little weight as that carries. But that’s all that will ever be, and the chapter is closed now.

The Tale of Mr. Twilight


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So by now my dating failures have become an endless source of mirth for anyone stumbling across these pages. It’s like I always say: when I mess something up, I mess it up good. In these most recent cases, my experiences have just been plain strange with little or no contribution on my end. A great example of this is the tale of “Mr. Twilight”

Mr. Twilight was named by my friend Ri because he always tries to be this brooding, mysterious figure. It’s like he read Twilight like it was some manual to pick up girls, and he honestly believes that his behavior is intriguing instead of creepy as hell. He lurks about and tries to remain aloof, when he’s really just a tool. I mean, the guy is just a complete and utter asswipe.

If I sound harsh, I’m really not being so in this situation. Let me give you the background:

So, Mr. Twilight is a patient at work. He came in and flirted with me shamelessly the day of his appointment last year. I’m oblivious, so he was obviously putting quite a bit of work into it for me to notice. A week later, when it’s time for him to pick up his contacts, he waits for me to come back from lunch to dispense his lenses (he waited 45 minutes). A couple weeks later, I run into him again at the grocery store and we have a long conversation in the middle of the produce section. He asks for my Facebook, I don’t have one, so I tell him to call me at work. Realizing that was a stupid thing to say on my drive home, I sent him a note apologizing for probably hurting his feelings. I enclosed my number with the apology. He texts me back a few days later, so I ask if he wants to meet for lunch, and he says yes.

My happiness was murdered brutally when my friend Ri looked him up on Facebook. Front and center was a lovely picture of him and his girlfriend, whom I’m assuming he didn’t think I’d find out about on account of me not having a Facebook. I might have had a rage episode filled with swear words I’d rarely used before. Either way, my indignation was palpable. I deleted and blocked his number immediately and swore that I’d never speak to that incorrigible asswipe ever again.  

If you are guessing that the story doesn’t end there, you are correct. A couple months ago he walks into the office to get a quote on contacts. Will he see any of my coworkers? Of course not. He has to wait for me for help him. Of course he proceeds to take a long time, tries to talk to me as if I don’t know what I found out, and then finally takes his leave a long ass time later. Then he comes in to place his order. Then he comes in to pick up his order. This story repeats once more. Also, I hope the dude realizes he wears monthly lenses, because he’s going through those damn things by the truckload. I might mention him wearing dailies because in 6 months, the guy has gone through almost two years of lenses. Also because I’m a snarky, observant bitch.

You Are So Dumb

So then a month later, when the whole Mike issue was going on, I walk into the studio where I take classes and guess who I see? Yup. In fact, the guy is standing right in the entrance of my classroom so I can’t get past him. He makes this huge show of being happy to see me and I was trapped into making small talk. I was about to say something, but I honestly didn’t think yelling “Get the fuck out my face!!” in an art studio was appropriate. I’d never been so happy to see my teacher arrive and save me. Then again this week the dude walks in and asks for another quote on contacts. Does he think we change the price every week? So then he wants to stand at my desk and talk about how busy he is, you know, with the end of semester (he’s a professor). I’m only supposed to have to see this tool twice a year, tops. Once yearly for his exam, another time if he buys his contacts in 6 month increments. I’ve seen this dude in the last 6 months more times than I’ve seen my brother.

Also, he never gets the message. He lurks in the waiting room, wearing his tool suit, drinking his tool coffee, all brooding and angsty as he waits for me to finish up with my patients. He’s always like “Oh, hello Kate? Fancy meeting you here… How are you? It’s so good to (I’m a tool) see (I’m a tool) you (tool, tool, tool).” “I’m just so busy with my (tool) job, see my (tool tool tool) briefcase, it’s so good to be (incomprehensible noise)….” I can’t focus in on what he’s saying for more than a sentence. I listen just enough to get him when he needs from the office, but I just can’t muster any sort of interest for anything beyond. I don’t ask him questions, I don’t show interest… I’m polite of course, but brief and direct.

This guy is becoming a running joke at work. Seriously, who does that shit besides Edward Cullen wannabes?

Courtesy Google

Courtesy Google

Mr. Twilight can go lurk in someone else’s window and be a creep. I have no time for pathetic attempts to be brooding and mysterious, especially when I know that there is no reason for this guy to be visiting my place of work at least once a month. Also, it’s never gonna happen, and I have no clue what he’s wanting out of our exchanges. Because it can not be copious amounts of contacts, unless he’s eating them or something…

Wait, what if he is?


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