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This is an ode to the unappreciated members of our society: The traffic reporters.


Traffic reporters in my city are awful. Purely awful. I am convinced that these people make it their mission in life to completely ignore all the incoming reports of backups, crashes, and general shenanigans. Either that or they are overgrown gorillas masquerading as homo sapiens whilst accepting payment in both produce and the tortured souls of drivers.

These soul feeding gorillas don’t even mention traffic in the first place, even though it’s their job. It’s not like they don’t have any traffic to report on either… I live in a major metropolitan area of Florida, so when I talk traffic, I mean traffic. 6+ lanes, interstates, expressways, toll roads, highways, back-roads etc. All hail the American traffic system right? Wrong. One road gets blocked and the entire city becomes practically gridlocked. This makes traffic reports extremely important, especially when 50%+ of the population are all trying to drive to work at the same time.

Usually, the radio show people are too busy talking about something stupid like Honey Boo Boo or the latest pop culture garbage (insert Gangnam Style reference here) to actually pay attention to… I don’t know… the real world? Well, what they missed of the real world this morning was as follows:

  1. Backups forcing the right lanes to dive off almost suicidally at every exit possible clogging all the side roads and making exiting and entering the highway nearly impossible…
  2. Confused drivers switching lanes at the worst possible times, like getting into the far right lane that has to merge with the leftish right lane in 10 feet while cursing and stewing in their juices of suck and fail…
  3. Three unreported accidents forcing the entire road to completely stop so people can gawk at the spectacle of the pissed off business woman staring down the irresponsible college student over the crumpled carcasses of their former automobiles…
  4. People sitting in their cars for an hour to go perhaps 3 miles wondering what the hell they are going to tell their bosses when they finally make it to the office.

After sitting in my car for over an hour and a half, I heard 1 traffic report given after I was already ensnared in the 6 lane parking lot with no hopes of escape. The traffic reporter said to avoid the area I was in the middle of. I clapped slowly in honor of this wondrous discovery because I’m sarcastic and bitchy in the morning.

Now, if the traffic reporters had actually been doing their job, the frantic exiting done by the desperate would have been preventable because most drivers would have taken alternate routes. But no. They were talking about getting paid large amounts of money to leave people, jackets, and other stupid things.

So this is a wonderful ode to the men and women who make our lives hell by not reporting traffic in a timely manner. You hold the most important job, yet, you make it infinitely useless. Keep munching that banana you flea bitten gorilla… and take this piece of my soul while you’re at it.