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I’d like to start this post by stating the obvious: I am still alive.

Now I’d like to explain to you why this is quite the accomplishment after embarking on the trip from hell. To set the stage for my epic tale of woe and misfortune, I shall explain that I was not the smartest person alive when I decided to not fly to visit my sister. She is currently a professor at UL at Lafayette, four states away from me. It’s roughly a 12 hour drive if you drive non-stop. I would have happily stuck to my original plan of flying to Lafayette alone to spend time with my sister. However, I have helicopter parents who are having major separation anxiety. So, I ended up driving with them. I kept a record of my wonderful trip for your viewing pleasure:

Day One:

10:35PM – I arrive home after an enjoyable night out. I proceed to drop an assortment of items like the colossal klutz I am and curse up a storm to deter angry parental units who could have been awoken from their slumber.
10:36PM – I open my door and am greeted with the mounds of clean laundry I’ve neglected to fold for a few days. This is going to make packing more difficult. I ignore the mounds and log on to facebook.

11:15PM – I begin folding the mounds
11:45PM – I begin to think about what to pack
11:50PM – The maternal unit opens my door to announce that we are leaving in 10 minutes… I stare at her in disbelief and yell back “You said 1AM all week!!” She shrugs and walks away. I grab everything within reach and throw it into my bags. I will find out that I forgot several important items when I reach my destination the next day.
12:00AM – I threaten horrible things if I am not allowed to take a shower before we leave. I then grab my short shorts and a tank top and run to the bathroom before I hear a response (these will become significant later).
12:15AM – I throw myself into the car and pray for death

Playlist: The Script

12:45AM – We are out of the city and on the interstate… I tell the parental units all about my life for the past few days (the crazy coworker, my various work shortcomings, etc.)… I also make a ton of jokes to make sure Mom is completely awake before I try to sleep.
1:15AM – The parental units tell each other stories about their childhood like the old saps they are. The best friend goes to bed and my texting buddy is no more. I try to sleep

Playlist: Secondhand Serenade and Vanessa Carlton Yeah, I listen to sappy songs to help me sleep because I’m a hopeless romantic even though I detest 95% of men.

2:30AM – I am still unable to sleep because of the freaking interstate lights. Every time I get to sleep, we hit another group of them and I get flashed in the face by the equivalent of a strobe light. I become fully awake, and I’m not happy about it.
4:30AM – Curse words said: 1000+ Attitude: -5000 Parental amusement: 10000+

Playlist: Maroon 5

Time Change! Get an hour back!

9:00AM – I am awoken against my will by rough road. I open my eyes and am greeted by a gnarly trucker looking down at me. I pull the blanket over my head and will him away.
9:30AM – The parental units want breakfast. I am neither enthused nor entertained but comply anyway. Getting out of the car I notice that my short shorts and tank top have combined powers to make me look like a total slut. I eat my chicken biscuit and seethe in indignation.

Playlist: The Killers

11:30AM – We start crossing this never ending bridge. Apparently it goes on for 18 miles. I quietly panic and judge how long my reaction time would be if one of the semi trucks crosses the line and pushes us off into the swamp underneath. I decide the odds are good.

Playlist: Rise Against

11:45AM – The longest 15 minutes of my life are over. Mom says she thinks something has flown off the car. I don’t care.
12:00PM – I start to care. Something is very wrong.
12:15PM – We arrive at my sister’s apartment. Something is wrong with the tires… It feels almost as if one of them wants to fly off but is being continually denied and becoming more frustrated by the second. The office is closed for lunch, my parents don’t have smartphones (and neither do I because I don’t want to play the data plan), and for the first time ever, I am without my GPS. To top it off, my sister doesn’t get off work for another hour. I point out that perhaps we should have left on time instead of early. My suggestion is not appreciated.

12:30PM – The ex comes to the rescue with addresses, names, and phone numbers. Yeah, you heard that right. My ex is not only loved by my family, he is our knight in shining armor. I’d laugh at the irony, but I’m too frustrated by my parents to do so.
12:35PM – I send countless texts praising his awesomeness. For in that moment, he is the prime example of manliness.
12:45PM – We arrive at the dealership to get the car serviced. I try not to think about what I must look like and sit in the waiting room. My shorts feel uncomfortably short again. I make a mental note to never wear them again.

Playlist: Eminem

4:00PM – We leave the dealership. Apparently a tire weight fell off, so they replaced that and we should be good to go.
4:15PM – We are not good to go. The car is not fixed. I am never going to get a shower, or eat, or feel human again.
4:16PM – Maternal unit goes into a full on meltdown… we are nearing hysterics. This does not look good…

Playlist: Carmina Burana

4:20PM – Holy. Shit. We are fucking lost. Are you fucking kidding me?
4:36PM – Why, for the love of everything holy, do I have to have an intense fear of being lost?
4:40PM – My fear turns to rage. I suggest pulling over so I can use my laptop to see where the hell we are, therefore I become the reason this entire thing is happening. I love the logic of hysterical people.

Playlist: 6 Foot 7 Foot Yes, I am a white academic female. Yes, I love rap. Yes, I sing the explicit lyrics much to the chagrin of everyone else.

5:00PM – We find the hotel my parents are staying in. I remain in the car.
5:05PM – I call my sibling unit and warn her the four horsemen of the apocalypse have arrived.
5:06PM – I call the best friend, he laughs at the entire situation and begs me to breathe.

He says I’m about to fall apart… I assure him I feel completely fine.

5:45PM – They forgot me in the car. Good thing I’m in my 20’s or else that would be child abuse…
6:00PM – Sister unit shows up, I grab her keys, move my crap over, and take up residence in her car. I get weird looks, but manage to restrain my middle finger.
6:30PM – Sibling unit returns to the car. We go to her apartment where I meet my furry niece Svengoolie. She hisses at me and runs away.

7:30PM – I crawl to facebook and wordpress after showering and managing a bagel. I receive pity. I don’t care, I’m just happy to be alive.

Day Two:

See post “My Night.”

Day Three (today):

Spend all day puking. Fantastic.

And for the record, I still want a sweet, honest, wonderful man to bring me that tea and snuggle for a bit. It seems he never arrived last night…