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Adulthood is the stage of life during which everything becomes a lie. I want to find whoever installed the notion that adulthood is “fun” into my brain and personally beat them to a pulp. This is a list of the horrors I’ve learned so far into my adult life:

1. Adulthood is not the magical land where bedtimes don’t exist.

I’d kill for a bedtime. That would mean I would be forced to get at least a decent amount of sleep each night. But as it stands currently, I am overtired. Just like every single other adult in the world. I bet that if we could all pick our “perfect day” it would include at least 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

Oh, and I forgot to mention: When you are exhausted, you don’t look attractive when you sleep. You drool all over yourself and you will feel disgusted in the morning.

2. Cars don’t take us all to theme parks.

Cars take us to things called “jobs” where we trade small shards of our soul for the ability to keep living like a human being. We could all shun jobs, but then nothing would get done and life would generally suck. Especially because (let’s face it), we need the services we bitch about and being a plant eating hippie living off the earth in a dirt hut doesn’t sound appealing.

3. There is no prince charming. He is a lie, just like every other warm and fuzzy Disney creation.

Well hello there….

Real men are real people with real faults and real problems. This wonderful and perfect cookie cutter significant other does not exist. He will not be handsome, rich, smart, intelligent, thoughtful, caring, compassionate, and pee sitting down so he doesn’t make a mess of the bathroom. You will have to choose what’s most important because this is not Burger King, and you cannot have it your way. You are, however, allowed to be as bitter as you want.

4. You can’t go out to eat at restaurants all the time and not gain weight.

Those desserts catch up to you, and chicken nuggets are usually not made of chicken.

5. Party like it’s 1999? Please…

I’m lucky to get into bed by 11 when I have to be up promptly at 7. Work eats my life and makes no apologies. The only time I’ve been out in the world past 11 is… yeah, driving home from working the night shift.

6. Rated R movies are not as awesome as I thought they’d be.

In fact, some rated R movies are just plain gross or stupid. I enjoyed sneaking into the movie theater when I was 17 more than I did any movie I saw. The Hills Have Eyes… enough said.

So, whoever told me that adults are supposed to have so much fun wanted to crush my spirit. Adults do very few fun things. My evenings this week consisted of doing laundry, cleaning the house, and running around after assorted pets who love to destroy things. My new idea of nighttime entertainment is cooking my dinner and remembering to do the dishes!

… Yup.

 

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