A section of my list is dedicated to coming to terms with the past in its entirety. It is a task that I am failing. I’m not talking moderate failure either, I’m talking major failure.
My readers from long ago will remember that the entire point of this blog was to help track my way through changing some aspects of my life. The truth of the matter is that I used to be an awful person. My last semester of college, I was in a complete panic. I was graduating, I had no full time job lined up… the next phase of my life was getting married and settling down. In my panic, I morphed into someone I hate to even think about. This person became me and she ruined my life. My actions around this time cost me the love of my life… a mistake I will never be able to fix.
I can’t come to terms with what I’ve done, who I became, and what I caused. In my arrogance I said “He’ll regret it someday when I’m off and married to a wonderful man and am living a wonderful life!” The more time passed, the more the truth appeared. It was not he who regretted it, it was me. I took this man for granted. He was far from perfect, but he was still someone I didn’t deserve. And he loved me. The cruelest irony is the fact that I love him still, more and more every day. I have, effectively, created a hell just for myself. I will never have him again. In fact, I’m condemned to being forever a friend. I’m to be his go-to girl, the one who’s always there for him. I should be heartbroken, but honestly, I’m so out of superglue at this point I really don’t care. It’s what I have and I’ll take it happily.
I’ve tried dating since the event, but the more I did, the more I thought about what I want, the more men I met… It just made me realize I wanted one man. Just one. And if I can’t have him, I won’t settle. It feels so wrong to even think about being with someone else. I can’t explain what’s happened to me. I am usually so strong, so independent, but I crumble when it comes to him. It’s like life is playing an endless joke on me. I, the girl who always vowed not to chase men, am going to wait for him. I’m going to wait for years. There is no chance of him coming back. There is no chance of me moving on. I am taking the biggest risk of my life, and I don’t seem to care.
When we were together, I made him feel as if he would never get it right. I made him feel like he didn’t matter to me at all and that I would be better off without him. The truth was that he was my world. He still is. I’ve done a lot all this time. I’ve built a life for myself, I’ve made new friends, I’ve travelled. I’ve changed. I’ve realized what is important to me and I see clearly what I was to him. I would give everything up for him in an instant. I don’t care about the things I used to hate about our situation. I don’t care if his family hates me or doesn’t, he’s worth it. I don’t care if he dresses like a slob and complains endlessly, he’s worth it. I don’t care what religion or lack thereof he is, he’s worth it. I don’t care if he is immature and doesn’t listen to me at all, he’s worth it. He’s worth every single one of his flaws. I don’t want prince charming, I want him. But it will never happen. Never.
So how do I deal with this? How do I forgive myself and come to terms with the fact that I have ruined my life? That the man I love can never be with me? How did this become my life? I don’t know. I don’t even know where to start. This is the first I’ve talked about this situation and it probably will be the last.
The only thing I know is that I love him, and I will always love him. And I’m going to wait for him even though he’ll never be mine. I’m going to have to watch him date other women, get married, and have children. And I deserve every stab of despair that will cut my heart to shreds. I have no one to blame but myself. The saddest part of this entire situation is the fact that I have changed. I have. I’m not the same person because I’ve tried so hard to be better for him. And it will never matter.
But somehow, this has to matter. This has to happen for a reason. Someone, somewhere will benefit from this and through this misfortune, I will give someone’s life happiness and meaning. My suffering won’t be in vain, it will bless others. And he will be happy. After everything I’ve done to make him unhappy, I think he at least deserves to be happy.
In the meantime, I’m going to continue on with every other aspect of my life. There are too many people counting on me for me to just give up.
But for the rest of the day, I’m going to cry and listen to a song I never understood until now.
*This post was saved from my draft bin… I left it there a few months ago, but felt it necessary to share in order to track my progress through this process*