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Life and I are at an impasse.

I had a very simple and clearly outlined path that I expected life to follow. I had all my boxes checked, everything was going so well… I honestly thought the two of us were getting along just fine.

Here’s how it was supposed to go:

  1. Get job
  2. Graduate high school
  3. Graduate community college
  4. Meet future husband
  5. Graduate university
  6. Get awesome career
  7. Get engaged
  8. Buy a house
  9. Get married
  10. Kids go somewhere in here
  11. Yay! Life is so awesome!!!!
  12. Kids get married and stuff
  13. Grandbabies!!
  14. Retirement
  15. World travelling! WOO!
  16. Die. Preferably in my sleep.


Life has rebelled!!! We are on red alert, I have no idea where we are going, and I can’t find the stupid eject button! I am captive and at the whim of some vengeful, nightmarish, and illogical contraption designed to deliver me to my destination of death! I mean, come on now… The destination is morbid enough, does the trip there have to be so freaking difficult?

This is how the plan should have been… realistically:

  1. Get a job to start saving for college
  2. Graduate high-school
  3. Get scholarships demanding a near perfect GPA
  4. Start school, lose 40 pounds in 2 months trying to keep scholarships
  5. Pick up a second job because school is too damn expensive
  6. Graduate with an Associates in Arts (with honors)
  7. Transfer to a university
  8. Decide what I want to do with my life
  9. The entire program got cancelled? For the entire state?!? WTF!
  10. Pick another major not requiring math
  11. Meet the fiance and be smitten over a burrito
  12. Pay out the nose for a decent education
  13. Decide what I want to do with my life
  14. Have breakdown and forget what I want to do with my life
  15. Decide again
  16. Forget again
  17. Tuition is going up HOW MUCH?!?!
  18. Got engaged! Finally, something is going right…
  19. What do you mean my scholarship got cut because of government spending!?
  20. Tuition up 15% a year?!
  21. Wrote last check for college… almost all out of pocket. Thanks scholarship. Thanks soooo much.
  22. Filled out 150 job applications in 2 months
  23. History is one of the hardest degree programs and no one wants to hire me? You want business majors from my exact same university? They come out just as stupid as they went in, did you know that? Are you… You are serious. Wow.
  24. Graduation day! Missed cum laude by .066 GPA points. Happy 3.7, slacker!
  25. What do you mean my 5 year career of above average performance is being questioned because my fiance’s brother lied to his boss? That’s not even my deal! He doesn’t even work in my department!
  26. Best friend gets accepted to law school 5 hours away
  27. Coding and billing? Wtf is that? Well, it pays better and things ain’t so hot at the grocery store… I’ll take the job.
  28. Amanda got accepted  to UF for her doctorate?! That’s awesome, she’ll be only a couple hours away! No… then where? Louisiana? Lafaywhat? Moving there… next month…. but, who’s going to clean the bathroom?
  29. Car catches on fire and I don’t even have marshmallows. Damn.
  30. BABY COME BACK! YOU CAN BLAME IT ALL ON MEEEE, I WAS WRONGGGGG AND I JUUUUUUSST CAN’T BE WITHOUTTTTT YOUUUU BAABBBBBYYYYY (To fully take in this life step, imagine someone serenading you with this classic song. Now imagine their pitch and tune being that of a dying, angry pterodactyl.)
  31. What do you mean he’s not coming back?
  32. Fine. I’m really gonna miss him picking fights, and me falling for it screaming that I’m right. Not!
  33. He goes and talks to his friends, talks to my friends, talks to me about how
  34. We are never ever ever… getting back together.
  35. Like, ever.
  36. Have 6 month breakdown
  37. End up friends with the ex (this is seriously my life)
  38. Dr. is thinking about retiring… shit.
  39. Office overdue for electronic medical records… prepare for chartageddon
  40. And then…. restart part of this process and go back to community college for a third degree in Business Administration.

Yup. I’m restarting this crap. Why not? Didn’t turn out too hot in the beginning.

Now, I don’t regret doing anything on this list. I worked my butt off and it taught me a lot about life. I ended up meeting some of the most awesome people alive through that change of degree programs and majors. I learned to hate retail. I also got the reality check of a lifetime and the ability to relate to Taylor Swift songs. I have a great job that I love now, and I have the opportunity to travel. So overall, it could have been much worse.

But life obliterated my worldview. And for that life, I respect you.

Now can we get back to that first list? Especially the part about the awesome guy who brings me tea…

Oh, right. Impasse.