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It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s the remnants of my dignity and self respect incinerating in the atmosphere!!

Buckle down everyone! This one is going to be tragic and hilarious…. just the way I like it.

So I was texting Luis (the ex fiance who left me) and then he said something that pissed me off. It was along the lines of “I just wish I had a girl that would be there for me on days like this where I’m tired and I want someone to talk to.”

…… Ha.

HAHAHA. Ha. ha. ha? Oh damn.

No, I’m not joking. I really wish I was, but I’m not.

So my natural response to personal affronts kicked in and Shaniqua came out.

Side note: Shaniqua is my suppressed personality that emerges when I’m just done with everything in the world. I love sassy, fabulous, outspoken, take-no-crap, you-wanna-say-that-to-my-face, “bitch, please”, “you frontin’ and we all see it” amazing Black women. I love how they speak their minds, and I love their killer sense of humor.

Well… Shaniqua looked at that phone and shit was going down.

I have no words. None.

As I thought about what he’d said I realized that there was no turning back. He had thrown the gauntlet down at my feet and life as he knew it was about to be changed.

Ain’t no one say that shit to me… deluded asshole!

So I let Shaniqua do her thing. She went up one side of him and down the other. I was that girl. I loved him unconditionally when he had absolutely nothing. I put up with a lot of shit for him. I lost my job over the whole deal. I lost my mind over the whole deal. So ain’t no one gonna tell me that I wasn’t damn good for him.

So my rebuttal launched a discussion about the things that were wrong about our relationship and all that good stuff, and I apologized for the fucking 5405854578602th time for everything I did wrong.

And then he proceeds to tell me, once again, everything I did wrong.

Bon Qui Qui had it right.

At this point, I’m sitting in the parking lot of Office Max, on a damn emergency toner run, my day has been shit, I want to drive off into the sunset and never go back to work… I’m over it.

So when he pointed out for me what I did wrong, I was like…

So we go through the damn thing another time. I apologize over and over again, I’m practically out of things to say at this point.

And then I got a response of “Well I forgave you long ago”.

That would be believable if you didn’t throw it in my face all the time…

So I told him that. I also told him the real reasons why we weren’t together, which aren’t as cut and dry as he makes them out to be. Not well received on his end.

So we talked it out some more and I was like “hear me out. Give me a chance. I’m not that person, I know I screwed up, I’m so, so sorry.”

And I get back “I want cookie.” Cookie is the nickname he calls me because when I’m philosophic, he says I sound like a fortune cookie.

I stopped breathing.

I then texted him something along the lines of “I love you, can we be over this now?”

Well ladies and gentleman, he didn’t mean “I want cookie”

He meant “I want a cookie.”

My hopes and dreams? Yeah, if you look up, they are those things falling from the sky, incinerating and ripping apart as they hurtle to the ground.

So, even worse…. he doesn’t love me anymore. But he said he’d evaluate something maybe in the future. The future?

I’m not waiting around for God knows how long for the possibility of someone who doesn’t love me to realize that I’m worth it. That debris is falling to the Earth right now. And seriously, to pass up someone that would seriously go through hell for you, day in and day out… and then do this shit for how damn long?

So if you happen to hear small children crying, warning sirens going off, or loud explosions this evening, rest assured that it’s only the remnants of my life blowing craters in the Earth.

If you wish to take precautions, remember tonight to

And hide yo husbands, ’cause I’m ruining my life out here.

Also, who the hell says “I want a cookie” (randomly) in the middle of a serious conversation? And then forgets the one letter that makes all the difference?