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There is a question posed to each and every one of us on any given day. This question lingers in the recesses of our minds every moment, pressing our our hearts, our thoughts, and our actions.
How far are you willing to go?
This question is applicable to every single action in our lives from choking down the triple cheese burrito or uttering declarations of love. It is present in every choice we make, in every dream we have. Every conversation, every commitment… All of this shows just how far we are willing to go to get what we want.
When I started writing three months ago, I never thought that I would end up completely tearing apart the fabric of my life. And that’s just the last three months! For three months before that, I was piecing my life back together in silence. It’s easier to speak as if no one were listening when no one is listening. To sit down with a computer and just write the words the heart spills forth is one of the greatest joys in my life. It is here that I can share without judgment.*
Writing this blog and reading and responding to other people’s blogs has just been so amazing for my own personal growth. WordPress is like a support group you can tap into whenever you need. It’s helped me really refocus my life and realize what exactly I’m reaching towards.
I’m reaching towards good. Pure, unfiltered, simple… good. No ulterior motives, no striving for things of this world, no living in moral and spiritual poverty for false ideals. Good. That’s it. That is all there needs to be.
So, how far am I willing to go to achieve this? It has already come with a steep cost. I’ve had to tear away the illusion of my life. False ideals, false ambitions, false hopes, and false people. Getting rid of the negative people in my life has been hard for me, because in the back of my mind, I acknowledge that these people, as misguided as they are, are still people. Most have no indication that they were a detriment to me. My departure might have hurt some people, although not enough for them to actually do something about it.
I have a quote I keep on my dresser for times where I feel I’ve lost focus:
“Each man had only one genuine vocation – to find the way to himself….His task was to discover his own destiny – not an arbitrary one – and to live it out wholly and resolutely within himself. Everything else was only a would-be existence, an attempt at evasion, a flight back to the ideals of the masses, conformity and fear of one’s own inwardness.” —Hermann Hesse
This just reminds me that I cannot continue to live in a glass house. To truly see everything in my life as it is… it’s the right thing to do. If I delude myself into what is and what is not, how will I ever know who I am as a person? This campaign of change and destabilization has made me recognize that no matter the personal cost, I am willing to do what is right. What is right will always serve my greater purpose and it will always secure my health and happiness.
I think the words of one of my greatest inspirations are perfect for what I’m trying to say:
I have been in this situation for a long time, and it has been trying. The one thing I can say with complete and total conviction is that doing the right thing is so hard, but it is so rewarding. There is a peace that comes with knowing your very soul, to be able to sit in the quiet and just be happy. To look another person in the eyes and know within the core of your spirit what you are and are not capable of. To know your desires, but also your boundaries.
One of the disappointing things that I have learned is that very few others want to work hard. They don’t want to put in the effort to grow themselves as people. They get caught up in the raging current of the world and don’t even see that something is wrong. Sometimes I wonder why I’ve seen so much of the world and of fate in such a short time… but I realize that it was to teach me.
I think this sums up my thoughts:
It’s quite sobering to realize that sometimes, even the people closest to us are not exempt from this. I sometimes worry that it’s become too easy for me to walk away from people that do not value me as I should be valued. What started with a man I considered the love of my life has overflowed into every facet of my existence. And I’m okay with that. The more I pull down the facade of my life, the more I realize my inner strength. I realize what I am capable of, I realize who I am at my very core. And I am a work in progress at all times, but I am someone I love and respect.
I forgot what it was like to lay in bed and be at peace with the day. I have that back now. I lay in bed every night and I think over the events of the day… what I could have done better, what I will change next time. I don’t hold myself to blame for the things I handle imperfectly… I learn.
I know now that inviting people to share my life is a gamble. Many people are not open to the standard I hold myself and others accountable to… Some thought me capable of things I know I am not, and never will be. Some thought me to be a person I never was. Some underestimated me. Some overestimated me. We see in other people what we wish to see and we gloss over the parts we don’t want to see. We need to stop that, because holding to our illusions only hurts when the truth is revealed.
Perhaps the most important thing that I have learned in the past six months is that if life is calm and if we aren’t striving towards something…. we are doing something wrong. Life is the most amazing journey we will ever have, and it is the greatest gift we will ever receive. Instead of focusing so much on the exterior of our lives, we should focus on the interior. I’d rather have the facade of my life rot from neglect than my very soul.
I’ll close this post with an appeal. If any of you are reading this and thinking about what I’ve said… and if you are wanting to make a change… do it. Don’t let fear, pride, selfishness, laziness, confusion, or anything else deter you. If you feel, in your heart, that you are being called to realize your full potential and become the person you truly are, tear apart your life. You’ll realize what little was there in the first place, and you won’t miss it. It won’t be easy in some ways, but it will be in every way. If you are afraid of the personal and social toll an action like this would demand, one of my favorite artists sums it up pretty well:
“You’ve got enemies? Good. That means you actually stood up for something in your life.” – Eminem
I’ll leave you with a thought that exemplifies my view of life:
* There will always be the trolls that stalk my posts waiting for something to gossip about, but I shall eventually make them ashamed of themselves.