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This one is personal, so be forewarned.

For some reason I can’t sleep tonight. I have no idea why… I guess it’s because I’ve had a busy week. So naturally I stare off into space and think about random things until I feel sleepy. Well, I thought of something that cheered me up immediately.

I have not cried once this week. Not once. Not over the lack of life direction, not over stress, not over anything or anyone. Not even Luis.

This is huge for me considering this week he was supposed to stay with me. He didn’t know it, but I was planning on asking him to move in with me if everything went well. Wow how things change.

Today I drove past the subdivision that we had agreed we were going to live in… they are still building some of the houses. I always pictured us living there, together… just our own little corner of the world. It would have been halfway between his Mom’s apartment and my parent’s house. When we had kids, years and years from now, they’d be able to visit all their grandparents. It was important to me that they be involved with both sides of the family, because my grandparents  all live far away and I only saw them for a couple weeks once a year. I don’t want that for my kids.

I typed his name into a search bar on Facebook and a picture of his brother and his brother’s girlfriend popped up. That one pissed me off so much considering his brother cost me my job, my reputation among my coworkers, and the support of Luis’ family. Would it have changed anything? I’ll never know. But they had their picture taken in front of the Christmas tree, like Luis and I had ours taken last year. I’d be lying if I said my first reaction wasn’t to yell “More Alcohol!” and grab the phone to text my sister. She made me feel better (as only sisters can). Mostly she just said the guy looked retarded and the girl looked fat (mind you, this girl is thinner than I am, so… yeah). The irony of the whole thing was just astounding.

I wonder if the brother ever thinks about what he did, if he’s ever embarrassed or ashamed of it. Probably not, last I heard he hated me more than my second ex (and that’s saying something). Well, there isn’t anything I can do about it now, will be able to do about it in the future, or could have ever done about it. So it happens.

As for Luis, I haven’t spoken to him in a week and a half… the beginning of a lifetime of silence. I told him I’d call him up when I can be just friends. That call will never come. I confessed to him that I lie to him when I know the truth will hurt. The truth is that I’m gone and I don’t think he even realizes it or cares. Love is a funny thing, no matter how much you want to fall out of it and know it’s bad, you just can’t. It’s not a sickness you take meds to cure, there is no cure. I envy him for just flipping a switch and turning off his emotions. Well actually, I think he never cared in the first place if he found a way to just not care anymore. I could go on about this forever, but it doesn’t fix anything.

Looks like I’m making baby steps in the right direction, and that’s something I can be proud of. I think my accomplishment deserves some Collective Soul…

 

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