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So sayeth Shaniqua.

Today is the dreaded, yet designated day to call on all the outstanding balances.  My favorite response today: “Gurl, Y U Callin’ me a’ wurk?” <- Said like that. Took everything I had not to dissolve into laughter. Throughout that entire phone call, the dialogue in my head was legendary. It went something like this:

Hold Up

“Bitch, why the hell you think we callin’ you?”
“She trippin’… she trippin’..”
“Someone should explain to her the course of action that takes place after a large balance has been ignored for over a calendar year…”
“Fuck. That. I ain’t explaining that shit to her!”
“Maybe we should be kind in this situation…”
“Can’t believe this shit.”
“This is our society in a nutshell. This is what’s wrong with us.”


“Shut up, can’t hear what she’s saying!”
“OH GURL. That is the best she can come up with?”
“Send her to collections already. You ain’t her Mama!”
“Damnit damnit damnit can’t send her yet. If we send her, she can sue us.”

Challenge Accepted
“Bitch please, she ain’t gonna pay. Take out the damn spreadsheet! TAKE IT OUT!”
“VICTORY. We can send her sorry ass, send her! Send her!”
“This is not the spartan death pit, if we aren’t nice, she won’t pay. Something is better than nothing.”
“Fiiiine. Offer to write off the secondary charge.”
“What the hell is she going on about now? A third charge? A third charge?”

That would be believable if you didn't throw it in my face all the time...

Can we take care of the first and second charges before you start that shit?

“Someone, hang up the damn phone.”
“Bargain… She won’t pay otherwise.”
“You seriously want me to sympathize with this chick? Seriously?”
“YES. Shut up.”
“My the horrors of the abyss gnaw y’alls shattered bones in the ruins of yo’ temples”
“Threaten her.”
“It’s not threatening if it’s the truth. She is going to collections if she doesn’t pay.”
“Send her now! Or at least quickly.”
“We need a raise.”
“Get all her updated info for the collections bureau.”
“Done, done, and done.”
“Vengeance is mine!”
“Bitch, you ain’t even gonna apologize for this shit?”
“Did you just say you’ve known about the balance for a long time?”

Bon Qui Qui had it right.

Bon Qui Qui had it right.

“Shut your face! If you didn’t fabricate all your damn info, we wouldn’t be calling you at work!”
“Bitch, the moral of this story is PAY YO’ DAMN BILLS.”
“Damn straight.”

Ain't Nobody Got Time FOR DAT!!!

Seriously. I can’t even with this crap. Just when I think I’ve heard everything in the book, she comes up with another new one. This is what happens when you attempt to send another collector to collections. But victory will be mine, like always.