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Today has been spent dedicated to the finer things in life I prefer to ignore… Like bills, budgeting, planning crap, and now deciding what exactly I’m going to get everyone for Christmas. The list is extremely short this year (woo hoo!), which is one of the finer things after good ol’ #16 on The List.

I’ve run across some really, really annoying crap today though in catalogs. Like, bizarre and just maddening. So from now on I’m going to keep a record of the insane stuff I find that just pisses me off to no end or makes me laugh:

On JCPenney’s:

1. Why the hell do stores send out fliers with coupons that are only good for like… 3 days. Wtf? Let me just run to the store in the middle of the week to pick up something I’m not even sure I want because of this $5 off couponNot.


2. I just stumbled upon one of the most hideous lip gloss collections I’ve ever seen. My exact audible reaction: “Who the fuck would wear this shit?” It should probably be noted that I’m sitting in my study, quite alone, talking to myself over the sound of Vivaldi. Such language with Vivaldi playing in the background struck me as odd, figured I’d share… Anyway, this is awful stuff. Seriously, these shades should never have been made. Half this stuff would only be useful to a drag queen! If that’s your thing, no judgement… in fact, I have the perfect Christmas gift for you!

*Tosses ULTA flyer aside in disgust*

On Pier 1: 

3. What the hell is up with all the damn peacocks everywhere? Peacock jewelry, ornaments, dining sets, vases, bed sheets, toilet paper with freaking feathers on it is gonna be next, mark my words…. I thought those creepy ass owls were in this year… I like owls. But seriously, there has been a competition between every major retailer in the US to mass manufacture owls that seem to say “Come closer and look into my eyes so that I may feast upon your soul…”

Courtesy Google

If current fashion is any indication, I’m inclined to agree… See you again in about 30 years!

*The curiosity has won out… back to ULTA*

4. Why would anyone name their product “creep”? Now I’m thinking Nicki Minaj wears that eyeshadow shade as she creeps on the boys from her position in the men’s locker room/”little creep stalker room.” If anyone gets that reference, I’ll be shocked. 

Side Note: Why, after going through a stack of these catalogs, do I have a list of stuff to get myself, but nothing to get any of my family members?

5. Are you freaking serious?!? The crap I was out of last month and had to buy is now buy-one-get-one. Like, really? They couldn’t have done a sale earlier? Now I’m going to go into the store and be pissed off that I clearly bought my crap at the wrong time. If I would have waited, I’d have gotten half price. Damn it.. it’s like the bastards sit up in their tall corporate HQ and wait until I buy something. Then, they are all like “Muahahaha! Our evil plan is at hand! Quick… tell marketing and sales to do the price changes. She has way too much stock now to buy anything else!”

Courtesy Google

This is how I imagine it to be.

Because clearly, they have nothing better to do with their time and life than troll me mercilessly….

On Bed, Bath, & Beyond:

6. An $80 knife sharpener? LMFAO Seriously?!?! A knife sharpener is a knife sharpener. For it to be that expensive, the stupid thing better be gold plated!

7. …….. Sweet Baby Jesus. A donut maker. A donut maker. Oh. My. God!!! Mom is totally getting this now! Even if baked donuts suck, I’m going to cover it with sugary icing anyway, so who cares?

8. If a Tervis tumbler lasts forever and has a lifetime warranty, doesn’t that mean that their market will eventually cease to expand damning their company to a lifetime of making tumblers to replace the ones people break.. all for no profit? #economicslogic

9. If anyone ever gets me a 3D puzzle, I might just punch them in the face. Seriously.

10. Nothing says “I think you are a reprehensible drunk” like getting someone a breathalyzer for Christmas. Pity, I used to know someone that would have appreciated this…

Why is my reminder to schedule my optometrist appointment in this pile? That might explain why I’m already 3 months late on my appointment…. oops. 

On Dressbarn:

11. These models always look constipated. I never got the pouty “look at me I’m soooo fashionable” face. You are a model getting featured in the Christmas spread of a major retail store… the least you can do is look a little happy about it!

Well, that’s it. All the other catalogs were from Black Friday *shudder* and now I have another gift for Mom. I called her over to evaluate it, but I have been thus informed that she doesn’t want it. To be fair, she didn’t want the waffle maker I got her 2 years ago either, but now waffles are a household staple and she loves the stupid thing. She has now told me that she has space in the closet to put this amazing piece of machinery after Christmas (ouch!), but I suspect she will use it out of maternal love for me.

At least I hope so, because the donuts here in Florida really, really suck.

Anyone else have a story about absurdly stupid and overpriced Christmas goods?