Ever had one of those days when you are excited to leave work and you finally get home…. and everything has gone to hell in a hand basket?
I pull in the drive and Mom is in the truck (never good)… turns out that she had unloaded a truck full of natural fertilizer for the garden… alone. The reason why this pisses me off will be addressed in a later post. But bottom line is that she is in no condition to do said thing on one of her good days, let alone the hellish nightmare of a downswing she’s been in for months now. Strike 1: Instant annoyance.
Turns out that while I was working and Mom was hauling fertilizer, Dad had been parked on his ass in front of the TV. It was dark as hell and everything else, and he hadn’t even bothered to feed the animals. Strike 2: I am
fucking exhausted and I have to come home, yet again, and immediately start doing chores? Really? Mad.
I walk inside the house, the house I cleaned yesterday, and I find it a mess. There are grocery bags everywhere, the kitchen is a mess, the cat is running in circles screaming for chicken…. I would be only mildly annoyed if I hadn’t cleaned everything yesterday. But now I just get a splitting headache.
I’m always getting chewed out for not doing enough around the house when I already do a ton of work (although if you’d ask any of them, I might as well sit around with my fingers up my ass all day (because that’s what I apparently do according to them))… It’s not like I work two jobs or anything like that… or that I have to do crap of my own so they don’t have to worry about it. I’m gone from 7AM to 6PM every week day. I get home, I eat dinner, I start working on the shit I have to get done. I’m constantly doing chores with what little free time I do have. I make sure that I leave behind absolutely no mess for my Mom to have to deal with seeing as I don’t want to throw my money away by renting an apartment, therefore I need to be a contributing member to the household. I’ve been thus informed that I am in fact selfish for cleaning my stuff first and that my efforts are self sufficiency are not adequate enough. Which I would tend to agree with if not for the fact that what is deemed “mine” in the house is all the public places.
The guest bedroom is my study, therefore that must always be kept immaculate in case of a surprise visitor. My bathroom is the public one. Did you guys read my post “Toilet Trouble”?!?!? This is traumatizing. People are always in my damn bathroom. I cannot leave a mess if I wanted to! And she insists I keep the door to my room open because I have large, arched bay windows. Yeah, a lot of light comes through. But people can constantly look in there! I know I sound like a whiny bitch, but I have to keep half the damn house spotless already, do I need to seriously do more chores when other people are parked on their asses watching the idiot box?
My Dad is recovering from a surgery and he’s been home already for 3 months. Straight. And he’s going to be out for an additional 4. That means that there are no breaks, he doesn’t go to work, we don’t get a night off…. full time. And he’s bored as hell, and I understand that… but he’s loud, messy, is addicted to the TV and the computer, and he thinks he’s hysterical. And he is funny… when you haven’t been looking at him for 3 full months. More maddening, he thinks he knows the best way to do things that he’s never done. And when he has to do chores, he gets mad because that’s what I’m for, so he tells me how to do the things that (once again) he’s never done. The TV is blaring, the computer is always on… phones going off, people in the house…. Is quiet too much to ask for? I might be 20 on the outside, but I’m an 80 year old woman and I need peace in my own house!
Mom’s health is really bad right now and there is nothing she can do about it and I have to watch her slide downhill like always… She needs quiet. A day off! But she hasn’t gotten that in between the trips to physical therapy, the obligations, the grocery shopping. Plus she does stupid shit that leaves her more exhausted than when she started… She gets irritable and she starts hurting even worse than usual and this will take her months to recover from. At least six full months of solid rest after Dad goes back to work. As I type, she’s confined to her room because she feels so bad. And then she tells me that I need to do more which makes me feel absolutely horrible because I can’t. I already spend the majority of my time helping out around the house and trying to keep my own shit straight.
And I get that I don’t have an excuse, I do… and I’m trying to not get so angry, but I’m exhausted when I get home. I work all day, downtown… my damn drive is an hour each way and I don’t even get home until after dark. I sacrifice my weekends to get shit done like all that cleaning and laundry. I don’t have time to do anything fun. By the time my own obligations are taken care of, I don’t have the energy to go out and do anything other than staying at home and trying to rest.
Coming home to this shit pisses me off so much! I seriously…. my entire weekend. I cleaned all day on Sunday and I had to run errands and didn’t get home until dinner time and then we had to do bible study and all I wanted to do was read a damn book. But the house was nice, it was clean and spotless and Mom seemed happy with it and now I have to spend my night cleaning when I already have a list of stuff I need to do for Mom.
And I have work in the morning and then I have to work my second job because my sister is coming and Mom made me feel like shit for having to work and there was nothing, nothing I could do about it… except this. I’m working a double to get the time off that I need and I’m not even sure that’s going to be enough to tide me over because I need to do inventory…
I have a splitting headache. I have 5 things I need to do in 2 hours. I have no time, no energy, and I had to disappoint my brother because of work. I feel guilty, I need to clone myself, and I’m dreading the workday from hell tomorrow. And I still don’t know when this stuff is going to get done. I’m so behind on everything.
So there is a box of chocolates on my desk and I’ll be damned if I’m not going to eat every single one tonight. Screw vanity, I’ll get stuff with elastic waistbands and become one of the people of Walmart. I’m so done with all of this tonight. Tomorrow, I’ll wake up and start the day over and hopefully not be so pissed off that too much is expected of me. But tonight, I’m sitting at the bottom of a pit, eating bonbons.