As readers, you all know I have this obsession with being honest to myself. No set amount of time changes this, so that will stay in effect during the coming year. Now, I’ve been using 2012 as a crutch of sorts and it’s time to come clean. My obsession with my past has probably translated a bit into my writing and I’ve been trying to come to terms with it and eliminate it.
When thinking about the things I wanted to get done, I was sticking primarily with “Well, I don’t like that either, but I’m working on something else right now.” Probably the biggest example of using 2012 as a crutch is my attitude. I know that the time has come that I need to start stepping back out into the world and rebuilding my life. I’ve always come up with some bullshit excuse as to why I didn’t have to right then. My excuse was “I’m going to wallow in my own despair and self loathing as long as I want; Until the first of the year. Then I will have to seriously reevaluate my scale on the pathetic-o-meter.”
Well, my pathetic-o-meter reading is out of this world. And… I find that annoying. I actually give a shit about my attitude, and I care about my life again. This means that the fog has lifted everyone! I’ve been quiet these last few days because I was busy being with family and unplugging from a lot of my outside influences. All of you know that I struggle with depression. My family has a long history of it and that is something we all have to be aware of. I took some time to really think about that and think about the choices that I’ve made that have delivered me to this point.
The truth is that for every action we take, there is a consequence. I’ve been whining and lamenting the consequences of my own actions… I haven’t handled this situation with the grace or dignity that I should have. I knew going in to all of my relationships that there was a great risk. I’d either fall completely in love or get very, very hurt. I ended up getting hurt. Likewise, with my friends, I picked those who were easy to befriend. I never really cared that they were easy to be friends with because they were using me and disconnected from everything else in their life. Again, I opened myself up to pain, but I made that choice while knowing so.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little angry at myself. I know that I self sabotage. That is what I do. So let’s really look at the negative events of this year like they should be evaluated.
Con: I lost my career. That really sucked, and I’m upset about it still. But I’m upset because I let myself be put in that position, and I’m pissed off that I didn’t assert my control sooner. It hurt my pride and it was really embarrassing. I looked like an idiot after I’d worked so hard to be seen as a power player. My life literally became that of the man in the video below.
Pro: I was a workaholic. Losing my career really opened my eyes to the little box I’d confined myself to. For 30 hours a week, my sun rose and set in a grocery store. Seriously. That was my life…. everything revolved around work, the people at work, the weather in the parking lot… And it’s not like my job was something amazing. It was a great stepping stone into management or the corporate office, but come on! When everything went down, it pointed out that I had some glaring holes in my soul. I was trying to fill my need to be valued and appreciated with a job, and I was trying to quell my panic over my life’s direction with money. I felt insecure so I was obsessed with being the best at my job so I could prove that I was the best at something (didn’t really matter what it was). And I mean, I worked right next to my first ex-fiance. I think the definition of “unhealthy” in the dictionary has an example to that effect. My job was poison and losing it was one of the best things that ever happened to me.
Con: My heart was turned into a fine dust and I don’t trust people (kinda still don’t to be honest…). I hated them for a very long time. I also shut myself up in my room and hid for half a year.
Pro: He’s gone. I’m sorry, but if you really care about and love someone the way I loved him, you don’t leave them. Period. So by leaving, he pointed out just how unworthy he was of my level of adoration and commitment (I was also quite unworthy of him, but on different issues). I asked him to come back, apologized over and over, and laid my heart out, but it still wasn’t good enough. And to be honest, I don’t remember him apologizing for anything besides his horrific timing. This thing felt very much like the definition of one sided.
However, I still love him. Yes, I do and I know that perhaps I shouldn’t feel that way, but I really do. I just dread what is in store for him and it makes me really sad to know that the life he is running toward, the one he thinks is going to solve all of his problems, is not going to do a damn thing. He’ll end up as a soulless corporate drone dedicated to nothing more than the pursuit of money and power. Money does not solve anything even though our culture says it does. I feel very sad because I know that the two of us would have made it work and we would have been very happy together. He doesn’t believe that because it’s inconvenient for him and it goes against what he wants to do. No one can tell him anything, he’ll listen and still do whatever he wants. That’s him. But one day, the cards are going to fall in. His friends will be fake, his job will be a shark tank, his soul will be eroded and he will have nothing to anchor or support him. He’ll probably find another woman and settle down with her, but it will never be as good as the life we would have had. Or he’ll deal with normal women who don’t even give a shit about the people they date or marry. Probably some dumbass trophy wife who’ll be screwing someone on the side. But no matter what, it’s not my problem, and I’m not going to worry about it. He made his choices, and he is the one who wanted out of my life. I’m the one who gets to say “Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on your way out, and don’t come back when life screws you over.”
3. Dissolution of Friendships
Con: I think you guys can figure out the con of this situation without me pointing it out for you.
Pro: No drama. I’m drama free! I don’t have anyone calling me at all hours of the night, I’m not expected to drop everything I’m doing to help a friend in distress, and I am not throwing my energy down the Spartan Pit of Death. Likewise, my time is not sucked into a vortex leaving me with nothing to show for it. Now, I have more time and energy to give to maintaining positive relationships with stable and healthy people.
So maybe life doesn’t suck as much as I thought it did, or maybe I’m just over curling up in a ball and feeling sorry for myself. I’m honest with my relationships and I’m honest with myself, and I hope that I’ll be able to use all the things that have happened to me this year to remind me of the things I need to focus on for the rest of my life. I vow to never let my life turn into the circus it has been in the past. And although I’m ashamed of my actions and I accept full responsibility for the choices that put me in this position, I’m going to move forward as best I can.
I feel like I can finally breathe again, even surrounded with things that remind me of people I used to know, love, or trust. What I’m doing right now is balanced and healthy, and I feel calm and at peace.
My wish for all my readers who are struggling right now is to come to terms with the events of your past that you cannot change. When that happens, you will be able to move forward with your life and improve upon it. Staying in one sided and unhealthy situations is no way to live. I know many of you have witnessed my struggles first-hand and provided me the strength and encouragement that got me through the darkest moments of last year. For that I thank you, and I know that I’ll never be able to repay you. For those reading that feel like they are in a pit that they can’t escape from, I assure you that nothing is beyond changing. I put myself in my own pit, and I worked and I dug myself out (temporarily… I’ll do something else that’s stupid and have to learn from that too). If there is anything in your life that makes you unhappy, change it. If you need help, ask for it. If you need closure, get it. If you need forgiveness, learn to forgive yourself. You are the master of your own destiny, and you are the only one who will stand up for yourself and manage the situation.
I think that is the most important lesson I learned throughout my struggles.