Fair warning: I’m not feeling happy and cheery tonight, and this is not a normal lighthearted post from me. Today is a special day that drudged up a lot of feelings, so if feelings do not interest you, best to keep scrolling. I’ll be back on the balanced, optimistic bandwagon tomorrow, but not tonight.

This song says what I’m feeling beautifully.


If you’re standing with your suitcase, but you can’t step on the train
Everything’s the way that you left it, I still haven’t slept yet.
And if you’re covering your face now, but you just can’t hide the pain
Still setting two plates on the counter, but eating without ya.
And if the truth is you’re a liar when you say that you’re okay,
I’m sleeping on your side of the bed, going out of my head now.
And if you’re out there trying to move on, but something pulls you back again
I’m sitting here trying to persuade you, like you’re in the same room.
And I wish you could give me the cold shoulder,
And I wish you could still give me a hard time.
And I wish I could still wish it was over,
But even if wishing is a waste of time, even if I never cross your mind,
I’ll leave the door on the latch if you ever come back.
They’ll be a light in the hall and a key under the mat.
They’ll be a smile on my face and the kettle on, and it will be just like you were never gone.
Now they say I’m wasting my time, ’cause you’re never coming home.
But they used to say the world was flat, and how wrong was that now?
And by leaving my door open, I’m risking everything I own.
There’s nothing I could lose in the break-in that you haven’t taken.
If it’s the fighting you remember, or the little things you miss
I know you’re out there somewhere, so just remember this:
I’ll leave the door on the latch if you ever come back.
They’ll be a light in the hall and a key under the mat.
They’ll be a smile on my face and the kettle on, and it will be just like you were never gone.

I guess it’s just one of those nights. Today is Luis’ first day at the university! Classes officially started and he will be starting coursework on a degree in Business with a minor in Accounting. It’s something that is so important because it’s a giant step towards what he wants. The last time I saw him, I helped him figure out his course progression and degree requirements. He was chattering on about being so excited and ready to start this step of his life.

It’s a step I always thought we’d take together, but he’s now taking it alone. I guess it’s the significance of today that has me thinking about him. And by him, I mean the old him. The him that told me that I was the only one for him. The him who always sent me a text in the morning. The him who would drop everything and drive to see me because he missed me.

It’s funny how when people you love are ripped from your life, you miss the little things. I miss my house being filled with his laughter. I miss hearing him speak Spanish. I miss his basketball shorts, the way he looked at me, his love of milk. I used to get so angry at him for drinking all the milk… I’d buy all the milk in America if it would make him happy.

Most of all, I miss the life we would have built together. I miss what we had because I was too fucking stupid to keep it safe. I hate myself for what I’ve done because I’m sitting here, alone. Without him, I’ll always be alone. I can’t understand what is happening to me, I can’t understand why I can’t just get over it. I don’t know why I can’t stop loving him, I don’t know why I feel so strongly that we were meant to be together. I know we can’t now because we’ve both made awful choices.

I just know that we were meant to be.

But we can’t be.

Ever.

I really did some fucked up things in a past life, because this is too much to take sometimes. No way to make it better, no way to fix it… nothing. But this. I’m proud of myself for my strength getting up every day and trying to make the best of this. I guess as time will pass, I’ll get acclimated to being alone. I’ll always be alone without him. Just like how I was alone before him, but I didn’t know him so I didn’t know that.

As much pain I’m in, this is only a small stumble compared to the things I’ve felt in the past. I just hate asking why, and I just hate knowing some of the answers. I hate this whole thing. So much remorse, guilt, loss… it’s like someone died. It feels like someone died. It feels like a lot of people died, including myself. Is it odd to mourn yourself?


There’s a girl in the corner,
with tear stains on her eyes
from the places she’s wandered
and the shame she can’t hide.
She says “How did I get here?
I’m not who I once was,
And I’m crippled by the fear
I’ve fallen too far to love.”
But don’t you know who you are?
What has been done for you?
Don’t you know who you are?
You are more than the choices that you’ve made.
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes.
You are more than the problems you create.
You’ve been remade.
Well she tries to believe it… that she’s been given new life,
But she can’t shake the feeling that it’s not true tonight.
She knows all the answers and she’s rehearsed all the lines,
And she’ll try to do better,
But then she’s too weak to try.
Don’t you know who you are?
This is not about what you’ve done, but what’s been done for you.
This is not about where you’ve been, but where your brokenness leads you to.
You are more than the choices that you’ve made.
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes.
You are more than the problems you create.
You’ve been remade.

I feel like I can fill up the entire chalkboard in this video. I’ve done that much, I feel that much, and sometimes I’m just so overwhelmed I can’t bear to think about it. I just want this to be over, but it never will be. My heart is literally broken. It doesn’t work correctly, it hardly works at all. I’m trying, God knows I’m trying so hard, but I honestly underestimated how difficult this is. Every day is a new adventure, and I’m tired of living the yo-yo life. Up and down, up and down. A word, a smell, a song… tiny stupid things have the power to completely change my mood. I feel so weak, but it’s not something you can just snap out of. I’m making progress, but it’s so slow and often… too hard.

Either or, a brilliant new chapter for him as he moves forward on the path to success. Another step for me as I move toward the acceptance of an existence alone. May this be the last day of significance for a long time.

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