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This post was inspired by another one of my favorite bloggers who can be found here (and I highly suggest all of you give him a visit). He had the idea to use music to piece together an analysis of his personality and a record of his life experiences. Personally, I sat at my computer and was completely enthralled with the idea and the execution. He stepped it up by choosing songs with specific lyrics… I’m just going to amass my music collection and start analyzing myself.

So let’s begin: (This took me… 6 hours to decide on songs and write the explanations – felt I’d throw that in during the final edit)

1. “Blue” by Eiffel 65 (Age 7ish… I think)

I started here because this song was my first song. By that I mean that it was the first song I found and liked that was all my own. I wasn’t introduced to it by anyone… I stumbled across it and fell in (musical) love. I’d later find out that my now brother (honorary) had the exact same experience. That makes it even more special because it bonds us. In some ways it reminds me of the time I transitioned out of being a child and started on this wonderful adult adventure (sarcasm).

2. “Diamonds” by Rob Thomas (8)

Rob Thomas wrote this song about watching his wife struggle with an incurable disease. Even though it’s beautiful, it addresses the anguish and the helplessness that comes along with being forced to just watch the suffering of a loved one. I relate to this song because of my own experiences with Mom’s declining health. Ever since I was 8, it has been a part of my life that has inflicted pain, but taught strength. In the early years, I was just angry (understatement). When this song came about much later, it reminded me that there is beauty in every situation. It helped me find the beauty in one of the darkest places in my life.

3. “Stupid Girls” by Pink (13)

My love for this song knows no bounds. This is the story of my early teenage years, only slightly more amusing. So, I had short hair, I was ungodly tall and thin, my teeth were a mess… I was not the model of beauty. I was in a group of kids who were all beautiful or athletic (sometimes both) and I was the polar opposite. Many people think that homeschooled kids just stay at home all the time and never venture out… to be honest, I kind of wish that was the truth. Sadly, I was forced to socialize with other kids my age. I was always intelligent, but that was not an aspect that was prized amongst my social faction. I attempted to fit in and was not successful. My interests included ancient history, art, reading, and video games. I was too girly for the guys (wasn’t overly fond of being disgustingly dirty) and too boyish for the girls (I’d rather kill myself than talk about clothes and jewelry). So my choice became neither faction. I dropped out of organized learning and continued my studies at home where I preserved most of my sanity. Puberty was relatively kind to me in the end, but I learned not to even look at the physical aspects of people. The outside is not the inside, and I hated being excluded from things based on factors I couldn’t control. So yes, I chose not to be a shallow, superficial, snooty, and stupid girl.

4. “Miss Independent” by Ne-Yo (16-17)

This is my favorite song. This is the song for the wonderful woman I used to be (and am so close to being again). When I was 16-17, I had my shit together. 4 years of orthodontist visits were over, I’d been working for 2-3 years already to save for college, I was financially independent, I started college and was pulling straight A’s, and I lost a ton of weight. I did my own thing, I loved my job, I loved being at school. That time was perhaps the happiest I’ve ever been and my personality sparkled. Apparently, my laughter was infectious and my smiles lit up the room. When I looked in the mirror, an entirely different person from the awkward teenager I’d been before stared back at me. I loved her. I ran my life and I took no prisoners. I volunteered, I had hobbies, I was in church every week… I was the complete package.

5. “Push” by Matchbox 20 (18)

This is about the time reality started sinking in. I’d been in a couple relationships that were not healthy, and I realized that it doesn’t matter if you are nice or not, it doesn’t mean that people have to behave with dignity or respect. This was kind of my anthem, it was an admittance of things that had happened to me. I relate to the song because the main character (at least to me) would like to finally dish out the treatment that she’d been getting. I didn’t know it at the time, but I identified with this song because it spoke to my frustration at the people in the world and at the societal ‘status-quo’ for lack of a better term.

6. “Ebla” by E.S. Posthumus (18)

This was my favorite song off of their album “Unearthed”. I listened to a mixture of E.S. Posthumus, Vivaldi, and Celtic whenever I studied or sat down to write a paper during my last two years of college at my university. As you can imagine, I know these songs by heart. They remind me of quiet days spent in the basement of the library, writing out translations and studying manuscripts. I miss my little desk all the way in the corner, the one that hid me from sight and blocked out the panicked whispers of the biochem majors working with the dry erase boards. I still listen to these songs on nights when I have trouble sleeping. They remind me to be calm.

7. “Not Strong Enough” by Apocalyptica (19)

This song is so beautiful to me, even still. I used to listen to this song when Luis and I were friends. Of course I was entertaining the thought of dating him… Okay, that’s a lie. I was already in love with him. Being the sap that I was, I picked out a secret song I’d play and think of him. He later found out about this song after we’d been dating for quite some time and he downloaded it. He used to listen to it on the nights he drove back from my house. This song is everything: dark, edgy, beautiful… I tried to convince myself for a long time that breaking our friendship in order to pursue something romantic was a bad idea, a forbidden one even. But, I wasn’t strong enough to stay away. And I still don’t regret that for one second.

8. “If You Ever Come Back” by The Script (20)

This is what I cried to for months after “The Event”. Again, I love this song. All the memories it holds just suck. This song reminds me of the days I shut myself in my room and didn’t come out, and of those awful drives from work where I cried in my car for an hour. I used to show up to study group with puffy eyes and a weak smile (they saw right through it). This song put to words what my heart communicated only through aching. I also think it’s a testament to how strong the bonds are that I attach to all my relationships. But more importantly, I love the hope and unconditional love present in the lyrics. To me, that is the epitome of selflessness (or stupidity). I’ll always be in love with this song because it wasn’t one of the angry songs I listened to in all of my other breakups… it was a true song that helped me voice my emotions and cry through them until I encountered something I hadn’t before…

9. “Going Through Changes” by Eminem (20)

Well, right after I transitioned out of the crying stage, I just went insane. I can’t put anything into words that would be better than this song. Although I managed to avoid meds, I scared myself.

10. “Proof of Your Love” by For King & Country (20)

This all brings us to the present. I chose this song because it reminds me that no matter the events of my life, I can overcome them. I know that my past is painful, but I’ve learned from it and I want others to learn from it too so they don’t have to go through what I did. I want my struggles to mean something.

Reflections

I just noticed that the one thing that sticks out in all these songs is love. Number one I love because it was the first thing that was unique to me, and it is something I share with my brother. Number two is about watching someone I love go through something I’m powerless to stop. Number three is about my choice to love myself and all my imperfections over what society told me I should aspire to. Number four is about learning to fall in love with my full potential. Number five is about the things that happened to me under the guise of love. Number six is about my love of harmony, quiet, and learning. Number seven is about being powerless to stop loving someone, even if it’s a bad idea. Number eight is about loving someone unconditionally in spite of previous devastating events. Number nine is about how love was the only thing that pulled me out of a really bad place. Number ten is about using all this love to help someone else. I feel like some sort of hippy right now, maybe I need to go hug a tree and sing about peace (I’m sitting here laughing at the mere thought). But that’s the major theme in all of this, and I’d like to keep that going. If it doesn’t, I’ll still be good if I don’t relate to any more Eminem songs. I feel like that’s a good future goal…

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