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Language advisory for text ahead!

I got my ass kicked by a squirrel today.

I woke up, got my shower, and I was cruising around my kitchen when the howling started. Flash-cat was sitting in one of the kitchen chairs looking out the window and screaming. Of course I told him to shut up, and of course he didn’t, so I went around to have a look. There was a squirrel latched on to the stucco siding of my house staring at us. Like, 2 feet away.

So I stared.

And it stared.

And I stared.

And Flash stared.

And it stared.

And then it barked.

What followed was a squirrel tirade the likes of which I’ve never seen.

So I did what any sane person would do… I stared barking at the squirrel, mimicking the exact noises it was making.

So it stopped and stared at me again. Then I realized I’m standing in the middle of my kitchen, wearing a towel with my hair a wet disaster, barking at a squirrel that was upsetting my cat. How low I’ve fallen…

So to remedy this, I grabbed a comb from the table and then waived it around suddenly, yelling “GET THE FUCK OUT MY FACE!!!”

The squirrel ran away, but then came right back. So I did it again. This time only the front paws and head came back. Basically, I was cursing and dancing around like I was trying to do the rain dance or something until the squirrel got so freaked out it just stuck an eyeball out. That was it… a single eyeball staring in judgment.

So of course, I had to go outside and remove this squirrel. I must assert my dominion over the stucco! I must avenge my sullied honor!

So I ran outside (still in my towel) and ran to the spot where the squirrel was. My dogs came to look and so did another one of the cats. We barked and howled and cursed but the damn thing just looked at us. Those beady little eyes were filled with such awful judgment we all fell silent and stared at it. Cars drove right past the house probably wondering why a crazy chick in a towel and a hoard of animals were all staring at the roof.

Finally, I screamed “I YIELD!!!” to the squirrel and withdrew inside.