This is a late entry to the “Letter to a Ghost” section of the Swift Expression blog challenge. This one has way too many feelings, so be forewarned. If you read beyond this point, I don’t want to hear whinging and whining. Because of the nature of the challenge, my response is going to be pretty intense. If I’m going to write through issues, I’m going to write the hell through them, back up, and write through them again.
Last chance to stop reading. This is not a normal funny post, it is not lighthearted, it is personal and I honestly don’t know how it’s going to come out. A few of my followers love these, a few avoid these like the plague. So avoid now.
Letter to my ghost
I know you’ll never read this, but writing to you helps me deal with the things that I’m going through. I think you would understand. Even sitting down to write this brought back memories, this time of that when I wrote you a letter. The one on the pink paper that I hid in your glove box? But I wanted you to read it so badly I ended up just giving it to you. I was always romantic like that. Sometimes I think I’m drowning in memories to be honest.
So I was thinking about all the apologies I’ve made. God, there were so many. I had a lot to apologize for and I’ll admit it. I did admit it. But I never apologized to us. Yes, us. As in the two of us. Because you weren’t the only one who deserved an apology.
I’m sorry that I fell for you that day when we were having lunch in Chipotle. I didn’t want it to end this way and I never wanted to hurt you. I just looked up from my burrito and there you were, staring at me with this strange smile on your face. I’m also sorry that I still don’t like Chipotle. I just went because you loved it so much. In fact, I think Chipotle sucks ass, I thought so at that time and I will still think so in the future. You know why? Because they don’t have quesadillas. That’s why.
I’m sorry that your life wasn’t how you wanted it to be, and I’m sorry I couldn’t make it how you always wanted. I don’t know what I was thinking… probably that I could point out the way and save you. To show you that your future was not a continuation of your past. It feels like no one really paid attention to you, no one cared enough to show you how much you mean. How much you still mean to me, even though you want nothing to do with me anymore, for some reason I don’t understand. It wasn’t me honey, it was both of us.
I’m sorry you will never see yourself the way I have always seen you. I think you deserve that. I always saw an amazing man in you, with a heart of gold. That iron will drove me to drink on several occasions, but I learned to love that too. You’re amazing, but you don’t see it.
I’m sorry you walked away from the life I would have given you, I only wanted you to be happy. But if this makes you happy, who am I to argue? This is what’s best for you, even though it broke me. Love is sacrifice. I just wish you could have given me the option to sacrifice myself for you instead of throwing me off the bridge when I was least expecting it. You should have let me go out with a little bit of honor, to save me from the hell I brought on myself. You couldn’t have known.
I’m sorry that you didn’t think you deserved the world, because you deserved more than the world. So did I. You were my world and I loved you beyond anything I knew was possible. I wanted to build your dreams with my own hands if I had to. Why do you think I pushed myself so hard? I wanted to be there for you.
I’m sorry that you thought you were ugly and fat. It’s like something got screwed up when you looked in the mirror… you didn’t see yourself correctly. You may have been that way as a kid, but I always thought you were handsome.
I’m sorry you walked away from my family… my family that loved you. Your dad left, but my Dad never would have. I know you’d explode if you ever read this. How dare I talk about your Dad?! What right do I have? I’m talking about him because he really screwed you up and you need to make your peace with him. Not avoid, not run away, not hate, not ignore. Just to make your peace with him. He loved you. Maybe he loved you like you loved me. More than words, but enough to abandon. Didn’t think about that did you? Maybe things got too hard for him, maybe he needed space. Wanted to act younger, wanted to be all these different things but didn’t love you enough to take you with him. I love you and I’ve forgiven you. You can do the same for him.
I’m sorry that your relationships with your family members are complicated. I’m sorry I made it worse by standing up for you. I wanted you to get the respect you deserved and to not be disregarded and pushed off. You did more for them than anyone else, it was wrong of you to be treated that way. I’m sorry that you needed someone to stand up for you and I’m sorry I was the first one who stepped up after all those years.
I’m sorry they didn’t like me, but I wouldn’t change my reaction. I wouldn’t lie then, I wouldn’t like now. My integrity comes before everything, and I know in my heart what I did was right. It really sucks that you didn’t stand by me without wavering. And I’m so sorry you got pulled into the crossfire, but that didn’t give you a right to use me as a human shield.
I’m sorry you saw me as a responsibility that you couldn’t handle. You’ve always been responsible for everyone else. I loved you and I took responsibility for you and to you without question. But you weren’t ready for it, and I’m sorry you didn’t know that. I moved heaven and earth for you because that’s what you do. I hope you remember all the times I helped you with papers, and sat with you when you needed someone to talk to. I tried to do everything I could think of to make you happy, I did.
I’m sorry you thought that you were being pushed too hard, too fast. I loved you. I wanted to protect you and I wanted everything to work out right. I wanted you to get to a place where you felt secure. I wanted you to be successful so you could prove me right and everyone else wrong. I wanted you to finally have your moment in the spotlight.
I’m sorry you didn’t think I was worth forever because I was, I am and I always will be. You screwed up then and you are still screwing up right now as you read this. If you think you are ever going to find a woman that will love you half as much as I did, you are wrong. You might get someone that loves you a quarter as much. No other woman is going to go through a living hell to stand by your side. No other woman is going to lose everything because of you, but still stand up and tell you that you are valued and loved. No one else is going to be me, and it’s a shame you didn’t think I was ever worth a second chance. I gave you chances every time you asked for forgiveness. I wrote you a letter saying that I loved you and that we were going to make it. I showed my love through my actions, not just pretty words that meant nothing.
I’m sorry you still have some of my stuff. I’m especially sorry you have my books by Tucker Max. Sometimes I need to laugh and I can’t. I hope you look at them and think of me. I hope you think of our first kiss, the movies we saw together… the nights we’d spend watching the Tudors and all the side commentary I explained because I’m a nerd. The walks we’d take in the park, all that breakfast for dinner I made you. Cheesecake factory trips, furniture shopping when you thought I thought you could actually afford a $5000 bedroom set. I acted like we were rich until we got into the car and then I burst out laughing. You were so scared I was going to make you get furniture there, but I just wanted to save your pride. I hope you remember the quiet nights we spent together, the secret jokes we had… that time I said that every time I told you I loved you, it was because I’d found some new part of you to fall in love with. The times I spent hanging out with your drunk friends and their booty calls because I knew it was important to you. How I hated your car. How I told you that you could do anything you put your mind to. How I told you that you were smarter than I was, you just didn’t believe in yourself enough.
I’m sorry that I pushed you out. I was mean to you because I felt like you were playing with me and making me look like an idiot. All I wanted was for you to keep your word. I just wanted to trust you and to know that you had my back no matter what. I had yours, I did. I never would have left. I know we were fighting every weekend and we couldn’t seem to get it together, and I know I pushed you to decide on the engagement. I gave you a choice… ask me a third time and keep it without backing out, or leave. I never thought you’d leave. I thought as much as I loved you, you loved me more. I was wrong. Very wrong.
I’m sorry I was grossed out by the fact that you sweat profusely when you get hot. I can’t help it. It reminds me of my Dad and I don’t want to kiss and hold my Dad. Disgusting.
I’m sorry I failed you by hurting you. You were always worth the hurt. I would do everything all over again with you.
I’m sorry you were such an ass on every social networking site, and I’m sorry that I allowed it to hurt me so badly. I’m sorry I acted like I was okay, and I’m sorry I tried to walk it off like it didn’t matter. I was dying inside… I was. But I was too proud to admit weakness and I was too proud to ask for help.
I’m especially sorry that you honored our relationship by becoming great friends with someone who helped ruin it. I still think she’s a whore and perhaps one of the most vile people on the face of the planet, and I’m especially sorry that I have to find some way to forgive her. You are always quick to forgive, but she helped take the most precious thing in the world from me. She played off my weaknesses, she manipulated both of us, and she got what she wanted in the end. And you don’t even care that we were utterly disrespected by this woman. I guess men don’t see things the same way, but woman to woman… what she did was deliberate, premeditated, and efficient. And you handed her a trophy. And I’m sorry I’m still furious about it now.
I’m sorry you got rid of everything that reminded you of me, and I’m sorry that I can’t seem to get rid of anything you ever gave me. Everywhere I go, I carry something you gave me with me. My car key clip. The iPod. The necklace. The rings. The pocket Spanish guide. Fuck, I still haven’t used all the computer paper you brought me. I printed my resumes on it and I got a new job. One that would have meant a lot to us, but now it’s just me.
I’m sorry you are lactose intolerant now. Whenever I think about you and I start to cry, I think of a cheese pizza. I’d never be able to eat a cheese pizza again because I’d feel so guilty. And sour cream. And ice cream. And milk. But I know I’d still give those up for you. I would. If that doesn’t show you how much I care, what else will?
I’m sorry I bought you so much stuff when we were together. I thought we’d share it when we moved out, but life doesn’t always work out now does it? I’m thinking about townhouses and apartments… but the thought makes me sad because we were supposed to do that together.
I’m sorry you’ve regressed and want to be a kid again. I guess that luxury was denied you the first time around. Can’t say I blame you for wanting to go back, I just wish you hadn’t used me as a reason to want to get away. I gave you so much of myself, I’d like to think I wasn’t so disposable.
I’m tired of saying sorry. I am tired of wishing you’ll show up at my door and say you love me. I’m tired of remembering the good, the bad… I’m tired of dreaming that we are together in the kitchen making breakfast, only to wake up at 3AM and find out I was crying in my sleep. I’m so frustrated with this entire situation… with my emotions, your stubbornness, and your complete lack of caring. My pathetic nature. The fact that I can’t get the fuck over this. The fact that I still feel like I’m being taken advantage of.
But I still feel like it’s a complete shame that things ended this way. We would have made it. We would have been happy and I would have loved you all the days of my life. Hopefully one day I’ll fall out of love. Hopefully one day soon. But I’d rather see you on my doorstep, I’d rather hear a full explanation. I’m ready to hear that now. I’d rather love you wherever you are than do this adventure alone.
I know I won’t be alone. Jase and I will get married for taxation purposes and have IVF babies (no, seriously). I’ll be a Mom one day. I’ll watch my parents get old. I’ll buy my first house. I’ll send my babies to college. I’ll become successful in my career field, and maybe I’ll make a difference in someone’s life. But I’m going to do those things without a true partner and that is never something I wanted for myself.
Everything happens for a reason and I cling to my faith like a life raft. I pray every night that you are happy, healthy, safe, and successful. This has to have a purpose in my life, and I must use it for the better. I want the best for you, always. Remember everything I did, remember everything I said. Remember what happened. Remember. Just remember. If you can’t remember and love me, at least remember and respect my memory and the legacy I tried to leave in your life.
Te amo mi amore.