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Feelings ahead! Jump ship! Escape!


AHHH!!! The list! It never ends!!!!

AHHH!!! The list! It never ends!!!!

Now, to business.

I’m starting to wonder if I’m always going to be haunted.

I’m talking about being chased around and smacked on the head by events and people in my past that I can’t do anything about. I know you all know the feeling of having unfinished business that will never be finished. Coming to terms with this has been a long and hard process, but I’ve been doing well and I think I’m pulling through on most days. Some days will be a wash of course, but that just can’t be helped.

I’m really struggling with the following:

  1. The horrible way my last job ended. (I think about it at least 5+ times a day)
  2. Luis. (I’ve managed to cut the crying down to only 1-2 major incidents a day)
  3. Luis’ brother who hated me.  (I think about him at least 2 times a day)
  4. Luis’ friend who wanted him for herself. (3+ times a day) And I really need to work on this because I’m still absolutely livid.

Now, when I say I think about them, I mean that I remember the times we got along and also the incidents they were a part of during The Event. The best way to explain what I’m trying to do is a crime scene reconstruction. I want to put together what was happening and when, and who was a part of it. I want to understand and figure out exactly what I need to still process and forgive. To be honest, so much fucked up stuff happened so quickly, I keep having random memories surface that upset me all over again. Because this is happening, I know I can’t just try to move on and ignore the stuff that happened… it’s made it quite clear that it’s going to drag behind me until I deal with it.

Argh, this is so frustrating. I wonder if anyone else feels like this, although I don’t think I’ve met another person who has had to go through this shit. I feel like this section of my life represents the Chernobyl disaster in pretty much every aspect. When I signed on for a relationship, I was signing up for some hurt feelings and maybe even a broken heart. I did not sign up for this. This is so foreign, a completely unknown territory. I seem to be stepping on a million land mines.

I wonder if I will always be haunted. I wonder if I’ll see Luis in every car, walking along every street… I wonder if I’ll always look at someone else and think “he has Luis’ eyes”. I want to know if I’ll be running out of random places because I think I see him. I want nothing more for my life to exist with him in it, but that will never happen. I can’t do it, I’m not strong enough. And he just got up one day and walked out on me like I didn’t even matter, so he’ll do it over and over again. That alone makes me physically sick.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. But it is and I can’t change that. The only thing I can do is protect myself as best as I can. Part of that is being honest with myself and admitting that I’m struggling with some things. I’m falling off the high road at times and I need to drag myself back up. I guess time will tell, and I will continue to  handle these issues that surface, but damn I’m curious.