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I hate being honest sometimes. This time is one of those times. So there will be swearing. Lots and lots of swearing.

I’m going to fess up here… I’m an optimist masochist. I’m starting to think about dating again. Half of you just smiled a bit, the other half of you really need to remove your hands from your faces. After everything else that has happened to me, what the fuck is gonna ever be worse? I have a profound gift for exploding every romantic relationship I even think about. Losing Luis was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. And if you’ve been reading for a while, you know my life is… a beautiful tragedy. An amazing, stunning, wondrous hot mess.

But I’m nothing if not determined. Be that good or bad, it makes me… me.

I think part of me is crazy. I know for sure part of me is cynical, and another part of me is lonely. Yet another section is scared, one part is curled up in a corner crying as yet another section screams at her to get the fuck over it. One is advocating falling in love with a career and screwing everything else, one wants to join the UN, one wants to go back to academia because at least I was outstanding at that. But… one part wants to be a Mom. A wife. A grandmother. Meanwhile, Shaniqua has her feet up and is managing a “Good luck with that honey… Mmmm Hmmm. You gonna need it.” Don’t forget the artist currently throwing paint at the accountant, the mediator writing emo poetry, and the priestess who shut herself in the temple two years ago and hasn’t been seen since.

Is this a fitting excerpt to put on a horrid dating website? I talk about myself like I’m 20 different people who never agree on anything. Clearly I’m the portrait of mental health.

I fessed up to my Mom that maybe a last ditch effort is in order. She suggested I revise my list. I’ve been avoiding it… too many memories. Ugh. Ladies, you know what I’m talking about when I refer to the list. Guys, you probably don’t have one. The idea is to make a list of all the qualities most desirable to you in a partner and not deviate from that list. When I first got into the dating realm I had a list of 63 things.


That didn’t even make sense.

It’s like my romantic history!

I’m down to a handful of qualities.

  1. Humorous
  2. Honest
  3. Trustworthy
  4. Kind
  5. Selfless
  6. Spiritual
  7. Calm
  8. Patient
  9. Determined/Driven
  10. Intelligent
  11. Confident
  12. Humble
  13. Be liked by my family

He must not:

  1. Party
  2. Drink to excess
  3. Spend everything he gets his hands on
  4. Gamble
  5. Manwhore
  6. Cheat
  7. Jilt
  8. Use drugs
  9. No children
  10. No diseases

This is the best thing I can come up with. I think it’s fair and reasonable. I didn’t include the basic things… having a job, a car, some sort of education (technical, vocational, standard)… someone who will walk with me, not sponge off my success.  This has happened before, hence why I’m paranoid and bitter. Also, not in love with the idea of dating anyone under 23. I’m a partner, not another Mom.

So many stories… every single number has a story associated, always completely facepalm worthy.

Refer to the title of this section.