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1. I have some sort of ghost alarm on my phone. It doesn’t actually exist in my phone until 8:35PM when the obnoxious ringing begins.

How I’m ever going to go to a night movie again? The phone goes off even when I put it on silent.

The alarm doesn’t even exist in my phone, I can’t turn it off because it doesn’t exist.

Thankfully I should be up for a phone upgrade in a month!

2. I wore my underwear inside out today.

3. I got a wedgie that would not give my ass a break. Now I know why.

Good thing it didn’t show through my pants.

4. The girl who works with me at the front desk hasn’t showed up to work in 2 weeks.


Like a boss.

5. The Goo Goo Dolls and Matchbox 20 are playing in Tampa and I can’t go because I have to work.

6. I’m on a hot cocoa diet. 

I’m too lazy to get anything else, but I guess that means I might lose a pound or so until I eat something for real. Right?

7. I celebrated when I found out my Bible study was cancelled for the week.

Open wide the gates of hell! Your Queen is here!

But now I don’t have to have people in my bathroom which is serious business.

8. I smelled something funny today. It was me.

That’s what I get for falling asleep in the shower and losing track of time.

Thank God for breath mints, pocket hair brushes, and to go lip glosses.

9. I thought about Luis and teared up.

Then I thought about how he doesn’t care about me or my personal issues and I got dejected.

But I didn’t cry, and for that I am proud!

10. I have more in common with the 60+ age group than I do with my own age group.

It’s because I’m crafty and awesome though.

11. My idea of a fun night is watching Doctor Who and Orphan Black.

I haven’t missed an episode yet!

12. I bought a coloring book yesterday. It was titled “pretty pretty princess”

That bitch got everything she wanted out of life.

So I colored her castle. Then I drew in flames. She can have a realistic ending.

To be fair, I also ranted on gender stereotyping and how it’s completely awful we ship these Disney fantasies to our children, but only after I stopped giggling. 

I’m going to put in on my refrigerator to remind myself that happy endings don’t exist and that I’m not paid to believe in the power of my dreams.

I brought an identical one to a friend who is in the hospital, we are going to have a color off and compare when she’s feeling better.

I feel like my flames will give me an artistic edge.

13. I’m going to take my relationship advice from country songs from now on. Preferably of the Miranda Lambert variety.

More “Kerosene” than “Gunpowder and Lead” though.

14. My car is squeaking and I don’t know why. Probably from all the small animals wanting to commit suicide in front of my car.

15. I have to go out and find hobbies soon. I’m scared.  

16. I went out with my brother this weekend to get dinner and drinks.

Our car got towed.

17. It was pouring down rain.

In the middle of downtown. 

18. I was wearing a white dress.

19. My brother flipped out and screeched about rending the flesh of the tow truck driver while I was able to calmly talk to the police.

He got his car back shortly afterwards.

20. My last words as we left the car?

“Are you sure we can park here?”

21. I ate all my nails.

22. I listened to my coworker talk about her kids and her new boyfriend and what a great weekend they had.

It hurt, but I was genuinely happy for her.

I’m trying to not be so bitter, my time will come.

I hope it’s soon, but I’m a mess so perhaps the later the better.

23. My hot cocoa exploded on me while I was walking into work.

It missed my uniform by millimeters.

24. I’m making a break up kit for my sister’s friend because bad breakups are my expertise. I’m filling it with candy, jewelry, and gang rap to channel her anger. She’s from India so I hope she knows how to Get Low.

If not, she will.

What can I say? Good and bad, it happens. And all at once. Happy Monday everyone! I’ll be responding to all of your great comments throughout the next few days, promise. Until then, don’t let the work week eat you.