Actually, that is a vast understatement.
I am annoyed to the point of almost utter impossibility, but I’m not sure who exactly I’m annoyed with. I guess that it’s just been one of those days.
The closer I get to the anniversary, the more space it takes up in my mind. And because I’m in that horrid period of recovery where the ex starts to look fantastic again, this is a problem. I’ve spent most of the day mentally kicking myself in the ass because I catch myself wondering where he is, what he’s doing, if he’s happy…
I shouldn’t care. I really shouldn’t because I’m not the one who made the choice to leave. I’m supposed to be the one to just go off and make a better life without him.
Yeah, apparently that isn’t how I roll. Why do I have to care? Why am I a caring person? Because right now I totally feel like my own nature is making it difficult for me to find some sort of stability. I hate having to remind myself “Hey, Juliet! Romeo isn’t coming back. Drink the sleeping potion, sleep it off, get up and go to work in the morning.” I feel like my frustration is oozing from my very pores! I guess this also gets worse when I have a hard day at work and all I want is a hug. But I don’t get a hug because there is no one to hug me, which depresses me and then we are all right back to square one.
Is it so horrible to secretly hope to open up my door to find him, the him I fell in love with, standing there? The likelihood of this happening is nonexistant, because he’s made it clear throughout our relationship and lack thereof that he doesn’t give a flying fuck about my feelings. Still, still I hope. Damn it Pandora! You had one job.
Even worse is the fact that I’d
throw my arms around him and sob uncontrollably take him back no questions asked. Because I’m me.
And I’m just so confused. I’m so fucking confused, there are two Luis’ in my head. The one I loved unconditionally and the one who did all those horrible things to me. The two have nothing in common, nothing at all. How can you tell someone to their face that they are the one for you and then just… leave? When they’ve learned to trust and rely on you? How can you just pull out the entire cornerstone of a building and not expect it to collapse? Was he lying? Did he lie to me the whole time? What the fuck happened? I don’t even know. I don’t.
After everything, I feel like I should have some answers, but I don’t have any that make sense. I was told 5 different answers for every question, and those don’t even include the answers I came up with.
But one thing is for sure, I want to see him standing there… but he never will be. And I can’t deal with that yet. I have to find a way to move past this, but until I can… I’m stuck. And that… that is what is making me so damn insane!
Oh well, part of the process?