… when I have too much time on my hands.
Before you continue, know that this is a reflective post on a tired subject. Read on at the risk of your own boredom and annoyance.
This is quite an adjustment. I’ve been home all day, wandering around without even a sense of purpose. My projects lay scattered around the house in various states of disarray. I started doing my laundry, but got distracted and moved on to cleaning. Then that was interrupted by chores, chores by a video game.
I swear, something is wrong with me. I cannot function with free time on my hands. The most I can do is stare at the wall and wonder what the hell is going on with me. I’ve come to the conclusion that staying busy was a safety mechanism, and one that worked well. A little too well apparently.
I hate the truth. That’s one thing I don’t believe in hiding. I’m very honest with myself and sometimes that sucks. I remind myself all throughout the day that he is gone. He is gone, he is not coming back, and missing him serves no purpose. I feel like I’m waking up out of a bad dream. This is what my mind tries to do to me, it tries to tell me that this is all a misunderstanding, that everything will be okay and everything is really normal. My phone will ring in the morning when I receive my good morning text, I’ll get up and take a shower. Then I’ll make breakfast and wait for him to walk through the door at 9:50 exactly. These aren’t my memories though, they aren’t and they never will be. Over and done, and I know that. My heart knows that. I know that when I wake up a little more and I remember what day it is, I’ll no longer think about how much time I have before he’s here.
In some ways, this helps me heal. Slowly I’m telling myself to let go. Existing like that is not the way I want to live. Hope is not warranted at this point. It’s done. I tell myself this so many times a day I feel like I should be sick even thinking about it. But I miss him. God, I miss him so much. I’ve begged and pleaded on my hands and knees, I’ve prayed countless times. I’ve bargained with God, I’ve played guessing games, I’ve tempted fate. I’ve done every last thing that there ever was to do. I’ve done this for almost a year now. If I could only go back and change everything, I’d give up whatever I had to. But the answer is no and the reality I’ve created in my mind cannot be trusted. For that reason I am glad that it is over. At least there is a resolution to the conflicts, a final decision that I can learn to accept and live with.
I accept this resolution. I accept this and I can live with it. More importantly, I’ve accepted this without developing a need for revenge. I wish him the best, and I hope he knows that. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and no matter what, I’ll never ever regret a second. He gave me an opportunity to grow and learn the definition of unconditional love. And thank God he was enough of a man to do what I asked of him and leave my life. I’ll always love him and I’ll always miss him, so he can never be a part of my life. If I can’t have everything, I can’t have anything.
I honestly thought this post was going to be one I wrote and then deleted, but I’m a bit proud of it. Here I am sitting with all this time on my hands and I’m stable. I’m stable, I’m a bit happy, and I’m not allowing my heart to become negative. I feel okay during a time I tried like hell to avoid because I was scared. I know from experience that I’ll probably have a few more bumps, but this place I’m in now is good.
I’m going to wrap up this post with a song. This is the song that I had chosen for my wedding. I was going to walk down the aisle to it. I think I’ll still play it, because I’ve decided that this is not how it ends. I want to get married and one day I will. My third engagement will be the charm! It may be a long time from now and it won’t be to the man I thought was going to be my husband, but I will walk somewhere. Whether to the front of a courthouse, the aisle of a church, or the deck of a cruise ship… it is going to happen because life is too damn short and I don’t want to go it alone.