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Is the work romance.

I’m bringing this up because I’ve been watching masterpiece theater for quite a while now and the current series, Mr. Selfridge, is full of work romances. This series is amazing by all means and I’m so enthralled with the plot it’s all I can do to not mosy on over to Wikipedia and figure out how it ends. But I did that to Downtown Abbey and let me tell you, I have something to say to those writers and not one part of it is good. I’ll save that for another time.

Back on topic: Every time I see this plot, I laugh. And I laugh. And then I go back again and I laugh even more.

Why? Here’s why:

  1. Work romances aren’t glamorous. At all. Ever.  
  2. They are never covert (sorry if y’all are thinking you’re discreet, you are about as unnoticeable as a speeding pink fire truck on fire being chased by an army of daleks covered in rhinestones screaming exterminate! at the top of their voice boxes).
  3. They have the lowest chance of working out. I mean, the odds of success are even lower than high school romances and those hardly ever work.  

I’m sorry if I seem bitter to any of you, because I am. I really am but I try not to be. However, I have dipped into the work pool (a few million times) in my foolish youth and I wish to spare you some of my pain and humiliation. So how do I plan to support my points? Well, with my own stories of pain and suffering. Enjoy!

  1. Work romances aren’t glamorous because other people are always party to your “game” or lack thereof. If you are pointedly staring at a coworker while drifting off into space and sighing listlessly… People are gonna fucking notice! Not only will they notice the pool of drool underneath your open mouth, they will notice your job performance hurtling down the tunnel of no return. You are wandering into other departments, you are “schedule stalking” your fated lover, you are trying your damnedest to look perfect at all times. You are not acting like yourself and nothing can change that.
  2. Kissy face in the breakroom makes people vomit. It does and there is no denying it. How in the hell do you think your subtle gazes are ever going to be subtle? That your facebook check-ins and smiley faced statuses aren’t going to betray you? That you are suddenly going to outsmart every other coworker in the building? Oh, right. Because you are being “covert” and you haven’t told anyone. You know, anyone besides all the people that can look at your stupid face and put 2 and 2 together. Yeah, it makes 4. And when you disappear with said coworker on breaks and in the parking lot… Excuse me I need to vomit up everything I’ve eaten today.
  3. They don’t work out. Your coworkers show you their “work side”. The personable, responsible, “I-need-money-promote-me-because-I’m-awesome-and-on-my-best-behavior” side. The one that also doesn’t exist. Listen, we all put up fronts at work. I for one act like I’m a nice person who actually gives a shit about some of the complete and utter bullshit that flies across my desk. Granted those moments are few and far between, but I do have at least one WTF moment a week. And I smile my way through it, content that I’ll never understand some things in life. That is not how I am in real life, I freak out if I don’t understand something.  So in other words, the people that these people act like at work don’t exist.  And you only find that out after making a complete and utter fool of yourself in front of the entire establishment. Not like I know anything about that.

So that is what I learned from masterpiece theater tonight… my life experiences have completely poisoned me on the whole “work romance”. That and watching people suck face in their cars on break… fucking gross man. Life, choices… think about them.

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