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I went to work and I got there about 15 minutes early because I already had my breakfast waiting for me in the fridge. It was a delicious looking pumpkin nut muffin and I was very excited, but as soon as I opened the door of our office fridge, I knew something was very, very wrong. 

Here is the text I sent my family:

Let me tell you the tale of the massacre of the fridge…

*Begin minstrel music*

I opened the fridge to get my breakfast

I was greeted by a river of rancid creamer mixed with malted vinegar.

The two were joined by a curious amount of orange mold, possibly dessicated melon juice from a tupperware that had fallen vertically and become pinned behind a shelf. 

The solid part of the melon was coated in white mold, but most had faded to a milky orange mold juice.

The ketchup would not be excluded, no it would not! It exploded on the side of and dripped down below to join the party.

Poppy seeds were planted in rows below and the black mold leaking from taco hell sprinkled spores all over the land of the forgotten fruit.

But it made a critical mistake… It touched Kate’s breakfast AND lunch. 

Out came the bleach spray as she screamed “Not my foo foo muffin!!!!”

So out went the tupperware, the tacos and the soda… 

The wraps and the fruit, the mayonnaise and the yogurt.

They were shoved in the white bag of wonders and never seen again. 

The only smell that remains is of rancid peppermint and bleach.

Needless to say, I didn’t eat breakfast yesterday. The only thing that was left in the fridge was about 4 bottles of coffee creamer, 2 beers, 5 bottles of wine, a couple oranges and some cream cheese. I looked at those wine bottles a good long time but decided that I’d have a tall glass at home at the end of the day instead. But it was tempting, especially when I discovered that some of that beautiful concoction landed on my shirt.

The bag of trash was so heavy I almost didn’t get it into the dumpster but I didn’t want to look like a wimp in front of a group of youngish guys.

So when you go to your office, thank the poor sorry soul that keeps your fridge clean. It’s a task that isn’t for the faint of heart.