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So I just found out that my email account from college has been deactivated. I promise this is somewhat relevant to my post.

When I found this out about 10 minutes ago, I started to go into a full scale panic. Well, until I realized that I’ve been graduated for practically a year now. One cannot expect a university to continue to provide an email account for forever (theoretically). Still, it’s a bit of a shock to be booted off my email. It’s because I don’t pay astronomical tuition anymore isn’t it? Well, I hope I didn’t have anything important going to that email… but odds are if I did I wouldn’t have forgotten the password.

It’s really been a year since I graduated.

After I stopped panicking, the whole email thing got me thinking about where I was a year ago and where I am now. You know, if I had the opportunity to go back in time exactly a year from today, knowing what I know now, I would completely change my choices. Now, I have a challenge for y’all if you accept.

Let’s say that you can go back exactly 1-5 years without losing the memories you have currently (I know that’s not how it works, indulge me), what 10 things about your life would you change? 

  1. I would go back and make my relationship with Luis work.
  2. I would quit my first job immediately.
  3. I would enroll in paraoptometric degree programs.
  4. I would learn Spanish (for my trip to Spain).
  5. I would clean house and get all the people out of my life right then instead of later.
  6. I would delete my Facebook.
  7. I would put in a million applications and harass the Doctor I work for now until he hired me (again).
  8. I would never take my third job (billing).
  9. I would get tickets to go see The Script when they played in a nearby city (my favorite band).
  10. I would spend more time with my family.

So, essentially what I’m saying is that I would take the opportunity to live my life on my terms instead of letting life “happen” to me. I wouldn’t end up slogging through the crap I had to this past year. Now the beauty is that I would be able to still have my experiences… I’d know who to trust, I’d know that life without some people is horrendous while others are hardly missed, I’d know that everything was going to be okay in the end.  Everything is still okay, don’t get me wrong, but changing the choices I made would… damn. I wouldn’t be so angry at myself. It’s like, when it’s happening you know that it shouldn’t be happening like that but you are completely powerless.

God damn it, I hate myself sometimes. I made such a mess of my life for a while. One of the most important people in my life just, walked out because being alone was better than being with me. How the hell does that happen?

I know it happened and I know I can’t change the past, but I swear to God I’d give just about anything. I’ve slept so bad the last few nights, I’ve had these nightmares about him having a life without me. Do you know what I did when I woke up? I kicked myself in the ass. No one can make me feel like that and get inside my head like he’s done, and he might live a life without me, but I sure as hell have to live a life without him. I never got that choice. If he isn’t concerned, why should I be?

Because I’m still in love with him. But you know, I realize that the more I sit, the more I pine, the more time and attention and thought I give him… it’s worthless. Even if he were reading this right now, he wouldn’t change his mind. He knew what his actions would do to me, and he did them anyway. Would I take him back? Absolutely. But after everything that has happened, would he even respect me? The struggle I’ve had, the things I’ve done? The sheer will power it took to cut him completely out of my life? The sleepless nights, the nightmares, crying spells, psychotic spells, therapy, support groups, the fact that I’m not a drug addict or an alcoholic at this point, the fact I didn’t show up at his house and cause a scene… God damn I’ve let the man just fucking walk away when it’s literally tearing my heart and soul apart piece by piece… And I acted like it was fine with me. Like I was happy to see him go. Like he made the right choice. Because that is what he needed from me, he needed my permission and I gave it to him so he could be happy. But that was never what I wanted, not for a second. He saw me crack right before I cut him out, but he hasn’t seen this. He thinks that there is still a beautiful picture hanging on my wall… he doesn’t realize that the second he closed that door that motherfucker exploded into a billion pieces and I’ve been sitting on the floor making a stained glass window ever since.

But my stained glass window is beautiful. It’s full of strength and determination. It’s full of things no one should ever have to experience. It has put lines in my face and callouses on my hands, but it’s mine. The things that have happened in this past year have changed me beyond anything I could have ever imagined.  I thought dealing with his family was hard, I thought trying to start out, I thought graduating was hard.

If I only knew… If I only knew.


Wait, how the hell did this turn into a reflection piece?