Everyone has a list of things that they are unwilling to accept. Whether it be an idea, a way of life, a fact of life, or an event… there are some things that we as humans cannot agree with or live with. This list varies across the spectrum based on multiple factors instilled by nature, upbringing, and life experience. But, what do we do when something we can’t accept is ever present in our lives?
This is an interesting question that I’ve been thinking a lot about recently. It arises from the fact that I’ve come to an impasse with my personal growth. The main focus of my thoughts has been the moment when self improvement starts to hinder personal growth. The concept itself is tricky because the two topics read like they are much more similar than they actually are. In my own personal experience, self improvement has led me down roads that, although designed to facilitate personal growth, have in fact pointed out more glaring shortcomings that I didn’t know existed. This makes me discouraged and frustrated, and then eventually I get so distracted from my original goal that I forget I was even working on it altogether! In short, the thing in my way was myself.
After thinking long and hard about the methods I’m using to overcome my issue with myself, I’ve decided on something I thought was unacceptable for my entire life: acceptance. Some of the things I’ve uncovered during the reconstructive process are as follows:
- I’m arrogant despite my best tries not to be
- I can’t have any form of drama in my life whatever the cost
- I don’t tolerate bad treatment from anyone, which can make me ruthless when crossed
- I have a low tolerance for people and their problems
- Empathy can kiss my ass because it’s taught me the merit of handling my own affairs
These are qualities above that I should probably be working on because I feel like I should be a better, brighter, more forgiving and kind person. But guess what? I’ve spent a long, long time now improving myself. That takes time and it takes a lot of revisiting of old, dead issues. In fact, the sheer amount of time I’ve spent living in my past and seeking to understand it has actually made me relive the past in my present. In essence, I’m missing out on right now because those thoughts and emotions from the past leak from whatever I am revisiting and manifest all over again. I dwell, and I’ve been dwelling, and it is starting to take a toll. So if I don’t want to have the consequences of improving a never ending list filled with memories I’d like to forget… there is only one thing left to do.
I accept myself, flawed as I am. I accept my past and stand by every decision I’ve made. I like my life as it is now… flaws, choices, memories and all. It took a lot for me to get to this point of acceptance, but the fact is that I am who I am. I make no apologies, not to anyone for anything I’ve done. I’ve done what I needed to do for myself, and I’m fine with that. The past is over, it’s done, and the changes that it has made to me are final.
Sometimes the best way to heal is to accept the fact that some things in life don’t work out the way we plan. Ultimately, I am the one who is accountable for my own life and happiness. If I am comfortable with the life I have and the person I am, that is enough. I know I made choices in the past that were amazing, some that were normal… others that changed my life forever. I am responsible for my unhappiness at my former jobs, the acceptance of people who were destructive to my life, the dissolution of my previous relationship. That is all me, and I own full responsibility. But I’ve fixed my life and I am at peace with those choices. I’m accepting my past and moving on.
Ultimately, we all have the choice to either sit and dwell, or get up and move the hell on. I simply don’t have the time or the patience to dwell anymore.