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Office Dating Saga Part 1:

So, as of this Monday I am the only single person in an office of 20+. I am also the only one who does not have children and who has never been married.

Insignificant right? Evidently not. My singleness makes the females I work with sad for me for some strange reason. This lack of a man to validate my self worth (note sarcasm) has led to everyone playing matchmaker. But guess what?

It’s hilarious as hell, that’s what.

I was sitting and minding my own business when a tech from the back came up and was all like “There is a hot guy in my exam room, you should totally go talk to him.” We then had a conversation that consisted of me saying that I was not interested. The technician continued saying that she totally would flirt her ass off if she were single (she’s been taken for a week). I got this mental image of her jungle stalking this guy and then like, cornering him in his exam room. I mean, the rooms themselves are dark and we keep the doors closed so it’s quiet… But the point of dilation is not to immobilize people while they are stalked. To encourage me to even venture towards the exam rooms is to invite me to break something by accident. Just my luck a specialty lens would smash into a billion pieces or I’d break one of the refracting devices. No thanks.

I was laughing at this enthusiasm shown by the tech because the entire idea of even evaluating a patient as anything other than a patient makes my skin crawl. It’s unprofessional to the core and a fantastic way to lose your job. But the real reason I refused to look at the guy is because he was stupid. Now, before you get all weird, I’ll explain: I really enjoy talking with my patients and building relationships with them. My job is to literally make them the happiest I possibly can, so I spend a lot of individualized time with them. But I can’t deal with stupid, and I don’t even try.

This is my problem with men. You know that stereotype that says all super attractive girls are bitches? Well there is one that says all super attractive guys are stupid. Some men just have that blank stare and empty laugh, and that is just not attractive. What is attractive to me is intelligence and if you lean over my counter with a “How you doin’?”, forget it. Just forget it. Banished from the Fire Nation, 10,000 years dungeon.

Here is my philosophy: beauty fades but intelligence only grows more beautiful. I don’t care if my significant other can be a super model for A&F or whatever the hell, I care that he can talk to me about things. I’m not a rocket scientist by any means, but I’ve been known to listen to NPR sometimes, I try to read the news once a day, and I like to read books on things I don’t know that much about. I like the “nerd” stereotype. Not the ones playing with ponies in their basement bedrooms, but just genuinely intelligent guys who stay out of trouble and are focused on future goals. Love of Batman, British TV (Dr. Who, etc.), and Star Trek is a must, additional points are awarded in the areas of film and music, and love of higher education is extremely important.

I don’t care about cool cars or sports or fancy man toys. I don’t care about partying or drinking, or really anything involving a “Hey bro! Bro!” I don’t like vacant expressions and accounts of how much “iron” was “pumped” at some gym, let alone how “sick” it was. These are the same guys who ask us to bill their Mom when it comes time to pay for copays and testing. Did I mention they are 23+? Pay your own damn copay!

My problem is that I like the guys that everyone else passes over. And because they are passed over, they just focus on school and work and ignore women. I don’t blame them. Meanwhile, I’ve got A&F in my face who probably never heard of the Iranian Hostage Crisis. No matter how much the girls parade conventionally attractive men in front of me, I’ll never be interested. The only guy I talked to at length was a microbiologist. We talked about pictures and Batman, and how our university demanded ridiculous things. He told me about his plans to go back to school for his masters and how he wanted to work in healthcare. Great smile, great sense of humor, and a genuinely sweet guy.

What happened? He left because guys like him never think they have a shot. They are too nice and don’t want to be forward because it would be disrespectful to me if I had a boyfriend. They actually care about things like that. And of course, I refuse to engage in anything with a patient unless it’s initiated by them and really… only in that one particular situation would I have accepted and sort of advance.

So in the meantime, while I wait for someone of quality to come around, I’ll have to deal with 20 matchmakers and their parade of attractive (I guess), but empty headed guys. Like I said, beauty fades… but finding a beautiful mind with good character? That is really something worth waiting for. I can enjoy the parade and laugh in the meantime.