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Today I was sitting at my desk, working on a stack of insurance papers. I found myself happily humming along to a song when I realized I’d never heard it before. Because I’m a total dork, I gleefully went to my internet radio and investigated this new tune.

When I opened my tab, I was smacked with “I Was Gonna Marry You.” Some of my new followers don’t know this, so I’ll give a short synopsis. I met a wonderful man at my first job, fell in love with him, and we got engaged. College came and went, new jobs were started. Then shit hit the fan with his family, I ended up losing my job because of it, there was a whore of a coworker involved in all this, and he left me. He returned my engagement ring and wedding band, asked me for a large check, and just walked out of my life.

I got some weak excuses, most of the blame, and he made me look and feel like the biggest idiot in the world. Since then, I’ve been struggling to understand how the man I loved could just give up on everything we had built, and on me.

The title of the song spoke to me. I find that it is fitting for where I am right now… finally out on my own, happy. No longer waiting around for him. No longer wearing the rose tinted glasses. I’m finally admitting to myself that the things he did were awful and they weren’t my fault. Did I contribute? Absolutely. Was it all my fault? No way in hell. Basically, here is where I’m at: I feel sorry for him.

No matter where he goes in the future, no matter who he ends up with… he will be settling. Because she will never be me. And after what he has done, taking him back would be settling. And I deserve so much better… so much better than what he gave me. He gave me lies. Really, that’s what it boils down to. Everything else stemmed from him breaking his promise to me and making everything a lie. I gave him chance after chance to fix it and he took the easy way out, he left me alone to fend for myself. 

One day, one day he will finally get it. He will finally get what he did and what it cost him. I am and always will be the best thing that ever happened to him, and he threw me away. I loved him more than words can express, and I hope he has a wonderful life. It’ll just never be as good as it would have been with me. If he’d have just given me his time, attention, and unbreakable word I would have done everything in my power to build his dreams. I proved that time and time again. In some ways, my relationship was made of sacrifice… the purest form of love one can give another.

He’s an idiot. A complete idiot. One day he will know that. It won’t be today, or tomorrow… but when some whore cheats on him, when he ends up with someone who doesn’t care about him, when he gets used for his money, when the world chews him up and spits him out… he’ll remember me. The one who loved him when he was nothing, when he had nothing. The one who always seemed to make things work. The one who came through for him. The one who told him he could do anything he wanted and believed in him no matter what. The one who protected him from even his own family. The one who lost almost everything for him. The one who let him leave because that’s what he asked. Even the last thing I did for him was a sacrifice.

He posted the lyrics to “Payphone” by Maroon 5 after he left me… they are less than sweet. That told me all I needed to know… case closed.  He doesn’t have any moves left. It’s over.

He can live with his choices. So this is a song for him, and for me and all I’ve accomplished. For sacrificing, giving the best I could, getting it thrown in my face, for moving on, and for not settling.