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  1. I could build a raft and ford my front lawn at this point. At worst it would look like a bad Lewis and Clark reenactment. 
  2. I have to paddle to work in the morning next to all the people who can’t freaking drive to begin with, let alone navigate in the rain.
  3. I’m considering weaving a raft out of palmettos and training a team of gators to pull it. It actually makes sense to me, and I find that alarming.
  4. Didn’t hurricane season just start? On Saturday? 5 days ago? I mean, I know my storm shutters bring all the storms to the yard, but damn…
  5. Have you seen some of the names this year? Andrea, Barry, Chantal, Dorian, Erin, Fernand, Gabrielle, Humberto, Ingrid, Jerry, Karen, Lorenzo, Melissa, Nestor, Olga, Pablo, Rebekah, Sebastien, Tanya, Van and Wendy. Where is Quetzalcoatl, Umberto, Xylophona and Zoroastrianitus on that list?  If they can’t spell Sebastian right (because Disney got so much else right, like happy endings and castles), I think my name suggestions should at least be considered.
  6. Mention of 2004 brings out severe paranoia and the uncontrollable need to scrub my hair. We lived like cavemen for almost 2 months because we didn’t have power. We would get it the day before the next storm arrived. All three times.
  7. I have a plan to make my parent’s closet the most awesome room in the house. Who says safe rooms have to be boring? I contemplate my mortality in style.
  8. I laugh at those who don’t prepare and then riot when they run out of Beefaroni and Starbucks (that really happened people).
  9. Everything about mosquitos and the panic they cause. “OMG am I going to get Malaria!?!? I can’t, like, wash my mosquito bites because I don’t have hot water and (insert more whining here).”
  10. 90+ heat without air conditioning. Do not want. Do Not Want.
  11. “I know that the weather man said not to go outside, but it got quiet so I decided to go outside and look at stuff… how was I supposed to know the storm was only half over?!?”

Basically I get hot, sweaty, and gross. Plus I get to deal with complete dumbasses. But to be honest, the only thing worse than dumbass Floridians is cold and snow. So I’ll continue laughing at their stupidity. You know, if I don’t drown first or get devoured by my gator chariot.

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