It has been pointed out by several people that I’m strangely happy. Not in the annoying way, but in the way that I always have a sparkle in my eye and a smile. I was slightly taken aback considering that the past few years have been hallmarked by a sullen expression and barely masked hostility. My attitude is not something I’ve been complimented on for at least four years.
Let’s face it, I made choices in the past few years that made me miserable. And about a year ago I made a lot of choices that led me to where I am today. I lost my significant other, I lost a job, I evaluated every person in my life, and then I dumped another job that made me absolutely miserable. I feel like I’m finally starting to reap the rewards of my choices. I sleep easier, I don’t dread going to work in the morning, I have a better attitude and I honestly don’t hate people as much as I did before. I haven’t felt this way since my first year of college and I haven’t felt this proud of myself in a long time. I remember being effortlessly happy when I was a kid, it’s always been my personality. I guess I had to screw up that natural optimism to realize that when I make these bad choices it affects me more than I think.
Most of my choices were connected to some screwed up outlook on my self worth. I know I’m a good catch, I know I’m working on things and living my life, but society tells women that if they aren’t dating someone that there is something wrong with them. And I’m going to admit that I bought into that outlook knowing it was wrong. My problems started when I made the choice to date someone in my first year of college and it didn’t end well. So then I jumped into my first serious relationship as some sort of rebound and I regret that choice with every fiber of my being. It ended horrifically and I’m not sure who I’m more ashamed of… the guy I dated or myself for dating him. After him, there was another rebound bobble (I swear, writing this makes me feel like a horrible person) and then Luis. I regret nothing, Luis is a good man who gave me that slap in the face of “Hey, you are a complete bitch… do something about it.” I made amends, sadly those amends weren’t enough and we are both incapable of making good choices, so that’s that.
Anyway, I’ve been spending a lot of time with with my family and my brother told me something the other night that kind of made this entire Luis/relationship thing make sense. He told me that I can’t just get over people. It’s not me and it’s not my personality. But, what I can do is learn to live without them. That is something I’ve learned to do over the past year and I’ve learned to do it well. Since that fact was pointed out to me by Jase, I haven’t thought of Luis. Not even once until right now and considering the man was living rent free in my head for years now, that is quite an accomplishment.
I guess really sitting down and evaluating my choices has made me accept some things about myself I really didn’t want to. But I know why I did the things I did, as screwed up as they were sometimes, and I’m not going to beat myself up over the past. Basically, those choices let me learn who I am and what I want. Too much life experience in a short period of time but when I do something, I do it 110%. But I’m learning, I’m smiling and I’m breathing a bit easier these days. Life is too short to be miserable and I’ll be damned if I’m going to spend one more day upset. It’s just not me. At least, not anymore.