If my memory serves me right, Luis left me at 9:36PM on July 6th, 2012. He had been irritable all day because he’d had an awful day at work. I had worked that morning as well and we ended up getting in a huge argument via text. I got home and logged on to my computer absolutely livid, but sure that we were going to work it out. That obviously didn’t happen.
The next morning I walked into work and had a breakdown on my manager. I told her that we’d been trying so hard to fix our problems, that I just couldn’t handle it anymore and that everything was coming down around me. I handed in my resignation on July 14th and fell apart permanently as soon as I got home. It feels to me like the 14th was the beginning of my new life, the life I never wanted. I started this blog back in September of 2012 as a way to help myself cope with everything that was happening, and many of you have been with me since then.
I can’t believe it has almost been a year. Some days it really doesn’t feel like it. It still feels surreal and wrong for this to have been the outcome of everything. The way that everything ended was just so unspeakably horrible I really wish it were a dream.
From July to November, I was basically a ticking time bomb. I cried constantly, I had breakdowns at work when everyone else was gone, I tried to get him back and succeeded only in making a complete fool of myself. I hated my job, I hated my coworkers, I hated my drive, I hated everything about my life. I tried drinking but was deterred by my hatred of everything alcoholic. Of course I tried to date someone else to make myself feel better but that ended horrifically.
November and December were the darkest months because I sank into the worst depression I’ve ever experienced. Everything was going wrong. With lots of time and effort, I got the support I needed but those months were awful.
January marked the beginning of a conscious effort to move forward. I allowed myself two weeks of travelling and when I came back I forced myself to get serious about finding another job and breaking my destructive habits. I got a call to interview at my current job two weeks after I got back from Spain and everything fell into place.
February, March, and April were all spent focused on work. I quit the job I hated, although the doctor I was working for didn’t seem to be in any hurry to hire someone else. My second job expanded and we moved into a warehouse which was stressful, but worth it.
May saw the first weekend off I’d had in a very long time. My brother and I decided to join a historical preservation society and we’ve been working at that ever since. I decided to test for my CPO in November and I signed up for as much additional training as I could get.
This month I went to my first job conference ever. I loved it and everyone had a blast. I also bought a new car and significantly depreciated my bank account, but I love that damn car. It’s “Atlantis Blue”… be still my whimsical heart it looks purple in the sunlight and purple is my favorite color.
I still have bad days like anyone else, but I proud of the person I am and the choices I’ve made. However, I still miss Luis. And I still love him. I don’t know how this will pan out in the future, I’m really not concerned. My heart still hurts so I want to cradle it and guard it so no one else breaks it. I don’t know how long I’ll need to do that, but I’ll hold it until I feel like I can let it go.
I’m still hurt. No, I’m devastated. I am still utterly devastated. If I think about what happened, I still cry. I am a strong person, but I was never strong when it came to him. That makes me angry. I’m still so, so angry at him for hurting me. I feel like he gave up on me when I needed him. I feel like I never mattered at all to him. I feel like he made me look like a fool. I’m angry because I forgave him because I love him. I’m angry I let him leave. I’m angry that he got everything he wanted and my life fell apart. I’m angry I couldn’t be what he needed. I’m angry he never gave me a chance to be somewhat normal. I’m angry that he didn’t listen to me. I’m angry that his brother and my old manager and everyone else got involved in my life. I am so disappointed in myself for letting them take advantage of me and create issues with my almost-marriage.
I feel like Luis never loved me as much as I loved him. I feel like he never took the time to understand me and to feel what I felt. I feel like everything that happened was my fault, but I’m angry because I know it wasn’t. And I miss him every single day. That’s what you do when you love someone and you can’t help but forgive them. I realize I’ve forgiven him everything but I’m not sure if that is good or bad. I want him to be a part of my life, and it makes me so sad knowing that he doesn’t want to be. I think that is the worst thing… knowing that someone doesn’t care about you after you went through so much with them. For them. I wish I wasn’t so forgettable. I wish I wasn’t so average. I wish he would have just looked at me and seen me for who I really am, not what he wanted me to be. I wish he would have understood. I wish he didn’t walk away from me. I wish he’d walk back to me and never leave me again.
I’m tired of this hurt in my heart. I’m tired of having a life he doesn’t want to share. I’m tired of having a life I only want to share with him. I feel like I’m irrational and delusional. I feel like he’s reading this right now and laughing at me. I am so angry that he is so stubborn. I hate it that he’d never feel, let alone admit, that he was wrong. I’m mad that I lost. I lost everything. I lost him. He was my everything. He didn’t even know it. And if he did know it, he didn’t care.
I wish he could just be a bad person. I wish I could say that he was a bad person who never deserved me. But he was an amazing person. He had the most beautiful heart and I lived in it for a time. He did love me, I know it. I’ll never forget the way he looked at me when he told me he loved me. He held my hand and told my parents that he would like nothing more in life than to be my husband. He told them that I was the woman for him. He promised me that he would love me forever and I know he meant it. I fought for him until the last. I fought so hard, how did he not see that behind the angry woman begging him to commit to our engagement and stop changing his mind was me. Me. Utterly terrified of losing him and I had no idea that being away from him would even be this hard. I would give anything to go back in time and change what happened. I just want to hold him one more time. What happened? What happened to us? What happened to me?
He just picked up and left without even a glance behind him, but I’m here. I’m drowning in my memories, my confusion, and my heartbreak. I’m waiting for someone to come back who never will. I’m making a stained glass window out of the shards of what my life used to be, but I can’t find anything to fix my heart. I know that this feeling I have will pass, but a part of me doesn’t want it to. I don’t want to forget him, I don’t want to forget what we had. I want him to come back and stay. I can’t come to terms with the fact that this will never happen.
So in the meantime, I’ll continue living my life as I have been. I’ll continue trying to kill hope. I’ll continue hiding my heart. One day I’ll feel differently, but today I don’t. That’s where I am almost a year later. And I hope this his life now is everything he wanted it to be. I hope he has zero regrets and is completely happy. I hope he never thinks about me, and I hope his heart never feels even so much as a twinge. Because I need to believe that what I’m going through has a purpose. I promised him I’d do anything to make his dreams come true no matter the cost to me. I always keep my promises. So if this is the price I have to pay, he’d better be damn happy. Or he’d best come home to me and help me fix this mess.
I still have a few weeks to change my mind before the actual anniversary, but that’s how I feel. Now that I’ve thoroughly depressed you poor souls who got to the bottom, I’ll drift off to sleep. I feel better writing all of that so at least the internet knows that in my little world, everything is mostly great… except that.