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I am a complete unmitigated ass.

I managed to completely send the wrong message to a guy I was interested in. How? By being my socially awkward, nervous, bumbling nutcase of a self.

So basically what happened is that a few weeks ago I checked in this patient not really noticing much about him because the office was busy and I was a ball of stress. Evidently he noticed me because he started talking to me. First thing I noticed is that he had a brain. Criteria #1 – Check. He kept getting dragged back in by these strange circumstances. He had to come for a progress check, he had questions about the lenses, he forgot his phone at one of his visits and I found it and kept it behind the counter at my desk for him. I was hoping he might say something or express interest but he didn’t so I let it be.

Then, he came in to pick up his contacts when I was on break a couple weeks ago. I noticed him walking through the back parking lot while I was eating my lunch by the window. I walk out 45 minutes later and sit at my desk and I notice that he’s roaming around optical pretending to be interested in frames. He ordered contacts and had no interest in frames.

I was grinning like and idiot because I knew that he’d been stalling, but I didn’t want to get ahead of myself. Once he realized that I was back working he crept over and asked to pick up his contacts. The freaking computer kept shutting down and dragging out the dispense so we got to talking. He got my Shakespeare reference! I gave him his lenses, but he still said nothing so I wrote him off and went on like usual thinking all men are oblivious.

Last night I made the last minute choice to go to the grocery store to pick up something for dinner. I was bent over a stand of Nectarines when I heard a man’s voice on the phone, and for some reason I turned around. Guess who it was? What are the damn odds… Well, he walks over and we start talking again about our jobs and plans for the future. Meanwhile in my mind I’m thinking holy shit holy shit this guy is smart, don’t say anything awkward, don’t do anything awkward, what the fuck did you just say??!?! That is not how that word is pronounced! I was a stuttering flustered bumbling mess. He asked for my Facebook and I don’t have one… so guess what fucking genius me did? Guess what I did? 

“I don’t social network, but if you ever want to find me I’m always at the office. You could call.” 

To The Face

First off, who the hell is going to call someone’s office?!?! Second, most people in my generation have Facebook accounts. I’m one of the 1% that doesn’t and he could have thought I was lying to him to get him to leave me alone. 

To answer problem number one: Not a goddamn single person. What I should have done was say “I don’t social network, but I text. Here is my phone number.” Instead I said “You can call me at work.” What the ever loving fuck is wrong with me?

When I told my Dad what I did he literally did this with his paper and his glasses:

Dad Wondering Why I'm So Awkward

And then he grimaced and said “What you told him was to get lost. Dumbass.”

All day I was waiting on him to call or show up and I come home to find out that I completely fucked up. It’s like the microbiologist all over again. I see something of quality and I do nothing because I’m afraid of rejection and I don’t want to be perceived as desperate or creepy. And then I have a good chance and I clam up so tight I can’t even pronounce “university”. I sounded like fucking Vargo Hoat. 

I cothuld diyth of embarrathysment.

I could die of embarrathment. Image Courtesy DeviantArt

Well I learned from last time. I sat down at the table and asked my parents what to do and Mom said I should try to get in contact with the guy and apologize for being a spastic moron. Dad is perfectly cool with the idea of me staying single forever after the whole jilting thing. In his defense those were not fun times for anyone, but I don’t want to hide from people anymore because my last adventure ended horribly. Finally he conceded and recommended I text, but that made me uncomfortable. Granted, the guy has a professional website with all of his info on it, but still.

I settled on writing him a note (by hand), and dropping it in the mail. That seems the least bit creepy to me. It isn’t going to be a random email that goes to spam, nor is it going to be a random text that would freak me the fuck out if I was on the receiving end. At the very least I owe the man an apology for miscommunicating my interest and appearing to brush him off in a terribly rude way.

I included my number in the note, so we’ll see. Results will 99% most likely be unfavorable.