, , , , ,

Why is it so hard to find good people? I really wonder what I’m doing wrong here… I’ve been cycling through hobbies trying to find something that makes me happy and I’ve been coming up short.

I went to my first SCA gathering yesterday and it will be my last. As nice as everyone was, it is just not for me. I’ve been spending months preparing for this expecting myself to love it, and I just didn’t. Totally not what I’m looking for. I want to meet people and do new things, but I want to do that while being able to be myself.

I feel a little bit frustrated with myself because I didn’t used to have these problems. My personality is bright and I try to have a kind and approachable nature, but that aspect keeps getting me screwed over. Kind does not mean a doormat, and approachable is not a welcome sign for creepers.

I have a lot of hobbies but most of them are solitary. I don’t go anywhere to make jewelry, to read, to sew, to embroider, to paint… I do go outside to watch movies, work on ceramics, and sit at cafe’s. But what I do now doesn’t bring me into contact with a lot of people.  I see tons of people at work, but they are patients. I have one close friend among my coworkers, and I have my family to spend time with, but I want to round out my life and have a good balance of friends. Eventually I even want a relationship.

I need to go out and meet new people, I need to make another two or so good friends, and I need to not be so solitary. But I refuse to put up with the shit I put up with before. The people I’m looking for have to be sane, intelligent, relatively normal, grounded, and genuine. They need to be responsible, they need to have a car, some sort of education, and a job if they are in school part time or graduated. Basically, they need to not seek to use me for anything. A friend should be a friend, not a crutch or a tool.

I’m kind of conflicted as to where I should go from here. I feel a bit… stuck. I don’t really fit in everywhere. I mean, I’m graduated with a Bachelor’s but I’m only 20. I’ve been working for 6+ years and I’ve been working full time for 7 months now. I’m academic and artistic and I would like to play sports but I’m really bad and I don’t know how. I’m very strange for my age, I don’t drink or party or go clubbing, and I don’t get along with people my own age. I have adult responsibilities and problems while most kids are just having fun and partying it up in college.

I refuse to give up, there have to be other people like myself around here. Should I keep trying hobbies until I find something? Should I try crazy things instead? Piano lessons, painting lessons, and dance classes are next on my list of things to try, but what if those are solitary too? Should I take a cooking class or something? Rock climbing because I can’t do that for shit? I would go back to UCF and take classes, but I work full time and taking online classes would defeat the entire point. Do I try to swallow my unease with organized religion and start going to church again? Should I find my own church? I can’t stand religious extremists and I don’t want to be converted so is it more stress than it is worth?

So many questions, so few answers. Is finding genuine people really this hard, or am I just not looking in the right place?