It’s getting to be the time of year I absolutely detest.
After today I feel the dread the most. Today was hard, work was crazy and I’m frustrated and exhausted. The problems that arise just make me angry, I have no inclination to solve them. I sat in my car this morning as my phone exploded with “I won’t be there today” and “I’m sick” texts from people who don’t know what it is like to feel like shit and still drag their ass to work. Sadly, by the time the morning was over, all I wanted to do is put arsenic in my coffee and end the day on a higher note.
The thought of October makes me queasy. Not only is my 21st birthday situated near the beginning, it’s been ruined. I’m not looking forward to it this year because it makes me feel like I failed at so many things. What would have been another anniversary with Luis will just be another day spent pissed off at myself for wanting to drown in my grief. His birthday will bring some more of those wonderful feelings coupled with a headache from the alcohol I’ll want to consume. This is not to be confused with the rage and resentment that the rest of the month will bring financially and emotionally.
I just want to feel better already. I want to snap out of this and be all like “Well he didn’t deserve me anyway, that piece of shit.” But my phone rings with a 407 number and my heart jumps into my throat. Deep down I know that the entire situation was horrifying, unnecessary, confusing, and over emotional. It was never supposed to be like this and I hate it. I want to hear from him, I want to talk to him… I want to tell him that he is a complete unmitigated ass. I want to tell him I still love him in spite of that. But as much as I want this to happen I know it never will and knowing that kills me.
I’m not delusional. He knows my phone number, he knows where I live. I know where he works (ironically the same place we met). If he wanted to get a hold of me, if he had anything left to even say, he would be able to reach me in 20 minutes. He just doesn’t. That is almost the worst thing of all.
My head hurts, my heart hurts, the very core of my being hurts. All roads lead back to the two people who let me down… Lu and myself. So the faster October is over, the better. It brings up too many things I think are best left alone.