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Remodeling is not for pansies. This weekend is my last one to get everything together before my furniture arrives and shit goes down. I was busy as hell today trying to remember everything I intentionally forgot about this week because I didn’t want to deal with it after working all day. I have furniture coming next weekend but everything else… Kill me.

Every time I swipe my card I have to fight the urge to froth at the mouth and flop around the floor like a dying fish. This shit is so fucking expensive. I went and bought furniture a couple weeks ago but that was only the first expense. Because I am enlarging my bed I need a new mattress. Have you ever been mattress shopping? I felt like all my hopes and dreams were being sucked into the coils. I suck at mattress shopping because I don’t want to lay all over something in the middle of a store. I’ve been socially conditioned not to do that so it just makes me feel awkward, guilty, and self conscious. Thank God for online shopping.

Mattress handled with the help of my mouse, I basked in the glory of my ingeniousness until I turned my brain on and remembered that all of my current bedding is twin size. Fabulous. But then a commercial came on the TV for Kohl’s Super Saturday Sale. And guess what was featured? Bedding! Thank God and Hallelujah, I would be saved if I went this afternoon.

Simple, right?

Courtesy The Daily Mail

Courtesy The Daily Mail

The entire store was under siege. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with people? I waited until the last minute, the least they could do is leave the store and let me shop in peace. Instead they clogged up the aisles to the home section and were pawing all over the things I needed. When I finally get to the display, guess what I see?

250 thread count sheetsAll that waiting and biting at people’s fingers was for naught because I’m a sheet snob. If I’m going to spend half of my life asleep, the least I’m going to do is get decent sheets so I can feel comfortable. I don’t get the point of 250 thread count sheets unless their entire point is to exist. I mean, they are sheets. That’s basically it. For kids and such, yeah I totally can see using 250 thread count sheets with the Little Mermaid and Simba on them. But I’ll be damned if I use those now.

The sheets I wanted were lost in a sea of  people jabbering in 15 different languages of annoying. As I stepped on the bodies piled in the aisles, I started to sweat because the prices were going up but the thread counts weren’t. Thankfully I had just gotten lost in the designer section.  Finally I got to something decent so I shoved it in my basket and ran like hell. Cue the frothing because it was hella expensive. Damn me and my snobbishness.

Then I went to Bed Bath and I got a comforter set. There were freaking people eating ice cream in the middle of the aisles! Just standing there. They weren’t looking for or at anything, they were just staring into the distance as if a dragon was about to appear while they noshed on their snack. Do you know how small the aisles are? And of course my section was in the back. I swear… Again, got a sale with coupons but damn. So basically in one day I spent ridiculous money for a mattress and shit to put on it, not including the goddamn bed that set me back even more on all its own. I better sleep like I have never slept before because this was so expensive my credit card company locked my card because they thought someone had stolen it. 

At least my bed is taken care of because nothing else is done. I have to start moving furniture and figuring out how this is all going to work. It will most likely involve hammers and lots of stress tears, but just maybe I’ll have a spot for all my shoes at the end of this. I just hope I don’t have to go shopping again because I don’t think I’ll make it. Someone’s decorative pillow and ice cream will be up their ass, but it will be so crowded they’ll never know it was me.

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