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Someone once told me that pets imitate their owners but I did not understand the extent of the imitation my adorable little pain in the ass was going to give me.

Leonidas Tiberius spent much of last week sick. I suspect this was retaliation for taking him to the vet the week before for a “special operation” (if you catch my drift). Well, he came home and promptly got sick. For days he refused to eat or drink and was generally disagreeable and lethargic. My credit card bears the markings of emergency vet runs and I’m just now starting to grow back my fingernails.

Basically what was wrong with him was that he was dining on his own fur. You see, he has this tail that he prizes above all things. This sacred tail is fluffy beyond comparison and (before now) he would not allow anyone to brush its sacrosanct glory. He threw up about three or four giant hairballs over the course of a few days, but getting the fur out of his person was one of the most infuriating processes known to mankind.

See, he did what I do when I’m sick… nothing. I whinge and I whine, I write mock wills and tell everyone that they must keep living once I die, but I don’t do a damn thing to help myself. Usually I can guilt someone into making me food and then shoving it down my face, but sometimes even that isn’t reliable. I never knew how frustrating that was until now. See, after Leo threw up the first time, my lovely little Drama King decided that he was not going to eat again because “he threw up”. Well, the only solution was for his ass to eat or drink something, so guess what I had to do?

Yup, I had to waterboard the sucker while he screamed loud enough to let Canada know of his mighty cat rage.

Imprudent mortal!

Before you call animal services, let me explain that this was done by opening his face and shooting water down with a rubber tipped syringe. I didn’t hold Leo in a sink and press him below the surface until I thought he’d been forced to drink enough. Even with the syringe, he figured out that stuffing his tongue against the tip stopped the water. When that didn’t work,  he would settle for letting the water pool in his mouth and then spitting it up right into my face.

Hairball medicine? He thought that was even better to spit up! I had to bribe him with anything that he’d eat (which he used to his advantage), and my life revolved around poo and vomit for a good few days. Thankfully, he has made a recovery but now I know that he is a devious and non compliant patient, just like his Mama.

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