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Being irrational is a pain in the ass but it is something I seem to excel at.

Things have been whirling through my mind at an alarming pace and I can’t seem to grab the negative thoughts and pull them out before they completely screw with my mind. We all know that October is a dreaded month because it is full of all the days that used to mean the world to me. But so far I’ve only gotten older, kicked another asshole to the curb, and my brand new car has gotten pegged by a crack ho. Not my idea of a fun time.

See, I’m absolutely petrified that I fucked up my one chance at being with Luis. Well, I most assuredly did the latter but I’m scared that Luis was the best I was ever gonna get and I lost him. Thus I am now forced to exist in a perpetual state of alone-ness for the remainder of my days. I mean, so far I’ve only gotten screwed by men. Age groups, careers, it doesn’t seem to matter. All I get is assholes. Now, don’t get me wrong, Lu was an asshole. But he was my asshole and I loved him anyway. I can’t deal with these assholes. I don’t like them, I don’t understand them, and they waste my valuable time and attention by being genuine dickheads.

I recently found out that one of my coworkers is pregnant and getting married. Her marriage ended the exact same day that mine did and since then she’s been able to get her life completely together. She has a wonderful man who brought a daughter with him, she is expecting her second child, and she has created a beautiful family. She is beautiful, smart, and above all… happy. She is what I always thought I was going to be. 

I’ll reference the above paragraph here: So far I’ve only gotten older, kicked (more) assholes to the curb, and my brand new car has gotten pegged by a crack ho. I upgraded my job, I’m getting continuing education and I’ve also remodeled so I can’t be completely negative. But you get the point. I look at her and I wonder what the hell I’m doing wrong.

I still miss Luis every day and I still love him. But that is getting me nowhere fast. He doesn’t want anything to do with me and I don’t know if I will ever be able to forgive him (let alone myself) for what happened. I mean, the guy said that love conquers everything, and then he pushed me off the damn cliff to be trampled by wildebeests life. My heart hurts. It just hurts. Every second of every day, and I hate the fact that I’ve just gotten so used to it I don’t seem to care anymore. Having something that hurts that much become a part of you is sad. And it’s scary.

How much longer am I going to have to feel this way before I get better? I’ve been told that time heals everything, but it’s been so long already and it hurts just as bad as it did 9 months ago. I’m terrified that this is going to become my permanent state. I’m freaking out, the crying spells are back and I can’t slap sense into myself. I know what I’m doing is wrong, I know what I’m feeling is wrong, and I know I’m irrational… but none of that seems to matter.

One thing is for sure, I need to get a grip. And fast. I’ve decided to take painting, drawing, and piano classes. I feel like I need to fill my life more.  I don’t understand what is happening to me, but I feel like maybe this will help.