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Let us talk of paint-by-numbers.

These glorious items were a staple during my childhood. The kits come with paints, brushes, and a canvas where every part of the painting is carefully traced and numbered. Each number corresponds to a paint color and, when finished, the portrait should provide adequate bragging rights. I always loved to paint and do creative things as a child, so when I found out that there were adult paint-by-number sets, I about died of happiness.

Small problem. 

Now that I’m learning to paint in the traditional manner, I realize that my paint by numbers are shit. They are stiff, flat, and completely unbelievable. Not slightly unbelievable, not “Oh, I can fix this” unbelievable, completely unbelievable. The dimensions are wrong, the lines are wrong, there are no embellishments or values, forget layering, and forgo any thought of adding texture to the canvas. A coloring book has more success than these things.

This makes me sad. My childhood is ruined.