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I’m back!

Y’all know I’ve kind of put blogging on hold while I attempt to focus on creating a long term relationship with someone. Well, about that… It’s not working out. I wish that I could say that I’ve discovered that perfect someone and that everything is going great, but finding someone decent is like pulling teeth. 

It just feels like I’m slamming into a brick wall over and over again. Online dating aside, the guys I’m interested in aren’t interested in me, the guys I date put on a great show but are ultimately immature, and some guys just ghost. Poof! Mid-conversation on text and they are gone. They ask me out on a date and get my number, then they cancel at the last minute and I never see them again. What the ever loving hell am I supposed to do with this? Seriously, what the fuck am I supposed to do here?

I go online to find success, that’s what I fucking do. I go online everyday and I check my matches. I engage, I respond, I’m in it 100%. I found someone I liked enough to start emailing (a big thing for me), and after a week of emailing, we exchanged phone numbers. We’ve been texting every night for a few days now. He has potential, I’ll admit it. But last night I told him that I swear and that I have road rage, and he responded by saying that he hasn’t cursed in 5 years. I haven’t cursed in 5 seconds! I asked him for more details and then… poof! Gone. Was it an accident? Was it intentional? I have no clue because I haven’t heard anything. Now, he might have a good explanation. I might never hear from him again because I might have walked into a deal breaker land mine. Whoops! There goes my leg!

Being in this process is exhausting, demoralizing, and it just makes me want to cry sometimes. This whole process is very invasive and some days I just don’t have the resilience for it. It hurts. Being passed over hurts, being evaluated so thoroughly is unnerving. There is no comfort zone, there is no safe zone… essentially it’s like standing in the middle of a war zone and hoping to God the person coming towards you is there to help you, not kill you. Every day I feel like there is something wrong with me. That I’m too independent, too outspoken, too stubborn.

I am who I am and I can’t change that. I don’t want to change that. What I want is someone to be just as scared as I am. Someone who knows what I’m feeling. I need someone who won’t use my vulnerability to hurt me. Honestly, I just want to grab that one other person and get the hell off the playing field. I’m tired, I’m just so tired. And I’m frustrated.

I want to know why this is happening to me. Am I being punished? Am I not ready? Am I trying too hard? Am I not trying enough? Am I too picky? Am I too accommodating? Are men afraid of me? Should they be? Am I just not… __________ enough?

I’ve tried dating through school, work, friends… I’ve tried blind dates, meeting people through friends… Hell, I’ve even met people through acquaintances. I’ve dated close friends and complete strangers. I’ve dated different races, different religions, different professions, different political leanings. I’ve dated men with children, men recovering from addiction, men without cars, men that were gay…

Yet I’m here, and I’m not happy. I was supposed to be married on April 12th. The only man I’ve ever loved left me, and I’m still discovering all the baggage he left behind. The issues with self esteem, self confidence… fear. So much fear. The fact that I can’t shake the feeling that no one is coming. The knowledge that some people were meant to be married and have families and live the life I want, but that I might not be one of those people. The uncertainty I face every day, the terror that I might not even be meant for someone.

How do I deal with that? How do I accept my life and accept myself as I am? How do I move forward? I don’t know. No one knows.

How long do I have to go through this hell? Until I find someone, or until I completely give up hope?

Tonight I don’t feel like I can do it much longer. I’m completely demoralized. I’ve stressed over this to the point where I just feel ill. Maybe what I need is to take a break for a bit. Maybe I should dive into it more.

God, will someone just tell me what the hell is going on and what I have to do?