I thought that unfortunate things only happened to select people. People that either didn’t pay attention, didn’t care, or had questionable decision making skills. If anyone had told me long ago that insane things would happen to me, I would never have believed them. I mean, terrible things happen every day. But they happen to people far away, not here. Not to me.
I’m grateful I’m finally standing on my own after all this time. But sometimes I still feel a bit wobbly. This reminds me of when I was learning the balance beam in gymnastics… one foot in front of the other, breathing very controlled, and praying that one of my knees wouldn’t give out. Falling, yet again, is not an option.
The 12th of this month would have been my wedding day. In some ways, I miss the part of my life where I had no fear of the future. No matter what, I thought that Luis and I would get through it together. I was so assured and ready for the new chapter we would have started next week. But that didn’t really work out the way I thought it would. I came home one night to “This is wrong, this is all wrong, there is no way that this will ever work. I’ve thought it through a million times and there is no solution. We’ll never make it. We just won’t, there is no way. I can’t be what you need, I’m not the person you think I am. You see the best in everyone, but there is no way I can be what you need. I don’t love you, if I ever did at all. I’m so sorry, but this is over.”
I feel disappointed in myself. After those words, I went into a free fall. You remember, and if you don’t, feel free to search the archives. All that time I spent piecing myself back together again was necessary, and I know it was. I just hate that I couldn’t have done it faster. I wish I had that ability to just bounce back and hit the ground running again. I lost a good year of my life in that situation. Now, I’ve made substantial progress since that happened. I established my career, got my professional certification, re-established my interests, and I bought a new car. Now I’m seriously considering moving out and making this work on my own.
No matter what I do, I feel a stifling sadness as I consider this next step. I feel like I’m doing all of this alone, and I’m terrified. This next step in my life is always one I hoped to take with someone else. I’m not having any luck in that department and I don’t want to sit around and put my life on hold. Some days, I feel completely fine and prepared for the next step. Then, I think some more about it and I feel like I failed.
I wonder if there was anything I could have done to save my previous relationship. I’ve tried for years now to find someone that even comes close to Luis, but I can’t. It’s so hard to find shared values, interests, and geographical compatibility. I also refuse to settle for anyone that isn’t someone I’d want to spend the rest of my life with. I don’t believe in just dating for the hell of it, and I can’t find anything of quality. I’ve exhausted all means of meeting people, even down to joining eHarmony.
I was talking to someone for two months and then he decided that he wouldn’t relocate. The issue with that is that he only lives 3 hours away and he told me right at the start of communication that he’d relocate if things got serious. So I was pissed as hell, but still tactfully ended the communication. I started talking to another guy yesterday but I’ve already ended that because his profile screams contradictions. I’m sure everyone knows the type… the guys who don’t want someone vain or materialistic, but will flip out of you gain 10 pounds and cease to look perfect. The guys who are in church every Sunday, waiving around their Bibles and soaking up the “holier than thou”, but won’t date someone who refuses to sleep with them before marriage. Stuff like that really makes me hate the whole institution.
My biggest challenge thusfar: finding a guy not obsessed with a Jersey Shore stereotype. Guys post pictures of themselves shirtless all the time. All the time. I hate that, it’s like that’s all they think women care about or something, plus it’s just enraging and indecent. Whenever I find a profile of someone actually clothed, I’m feel like sending an award of some type.
I’m tired of reading “I gotta go to the gym 7 times a week, gotta work on mad muscle, you know? Want a girl who will lift weights with me and run so we can both b fly az hell. Love being ripped, take supplements and drink protein shakes all day. Also love playin sports with my bros. Check this pic of me out! *(insert shirtless dirty bathroom selfie), (insert shirtless sunglasses selfie taken in the car), (insert partying selfie of guido drinking straight out of a beer pitcher)* Come on. I mean, really, come on. I can’t get that selfie song out of my head every time I see a profile like that. Ugh!
I’m thinking of adding to my profile “Must be honest, decent, and kind. Manners and intelligence are a must. A great sense of humor is almost as important as an open mind. I have friends and family members who are gay and who practice all different religions from Hinduism to Kemetic Paganism, intolerance is not an option. My career is established and I have obligations to my family, I cannot relocate. I hate going to the gym and I’m not that great at sports. My drive to be married is extremely high, and I’m very serious about this. Know that before you contact me.” All that because saying “Losers need not apply” is frowned upon in polite company.
I’m thinking about pulling my profile off of eHarmony, I don’t seem to be having the success I thought I’d have. Granted I’ve interacted with about 7 or 8 different guys, 1 seriously… but it’s been about 3 or so months. I originally thought I’d give it 6 months but maybe it would be better if I pulled my profile and focused on moving out and conquering my fear first.
Too many things to think about, but at least I’ve got time. There isn’t a time crunch, I don’t have anyone pushing me. I do have this goal that’s not going well, but I still have the hope that maybe one day this will all fall into place. In the meantime, I’ll continue doing the best that I can. What exactly that entails… well, I’m still working on that.