More Changes


, , , ,

I feel as if I’ve completely neglected my blog for the past… year. Because I have.

Anyway, moving right along. I’ve been busy!

I’m married now, I moved to North Florida, I climbed a couple tiers in my career and have a great new job, my name changed of course, and I added several paintings to the collection. I’m looking into starting my own business as well, but that takes more time than I have right now.

Of course there is more going on, but that’s all the big stuff. Now that I feel a little centered in life, and once I establish a schedule around home, work, and hobbies, I’m hoping I’ll have time to blog like I did in years past. This is a whole new chapter that I am very excited for, and will be a great time to learn and grow.

It’s been amazing to come home every day. No traveling, no sad goodbyes every couple days… I go home, to my home, every day. My husband is here, my cat will be here in a couple days, and all of my things are here in one place.

I’m starting to settle into my new home. Learning how to navigate and live in a new city has it’s challenges, but so far has been manageable. This week I get to learn all the administration buildings for the county, thank God none of them are downtown!

I hope this finds all of you happy, healthy, and well. I look forward to catching up as soon as time allows!


Living The Couple Life


, , , , ,

Apologies for my hiatus, I assure you I was up to no good as always.

Life around here has been quite the adjustment as of late. Will proposed to me on July 3rd, and I of course, accepted. I still can’t quite believe any of this is really happening. My family is absolutely ecstatic! Mom and I are talking honeymoons and houses, dresses and name changes. It’s quite a lot to deal with, this whole marriage thing. Will and I have come to the decision that a huge wedding isn’t for us. We haven’t decided on the ceremony type we want, but it will probably be small and informal, followed by an amazing honeymoon. I can’t seem to look at the amount of money it would take for a wedding without having a panic attack. I’d rather use that as a down payment on a house, or something else that will help us out in the long term.

I must admit that I grew rather fond of the single life… No responsibilities to anyone besides myself. I do miss my weekends spent playing Skyrim for days on end and only showering to change into another set to PJ’s. Thankfully, he’s worth breaking my sloth habits. And good thing for that too, because I’m cooking and cleaning, doing laundry for two, figuring out dinner menus, packing lunches, and working as many hours as I can to get extra money. Will is doing the same, so that keeps us quite busy. Actually, he is beginning grant season, so I’m preparing to become a widow for the next 6 or so months. Ugh. Last year he ended up sleeping in his office and living off of microwave meals. I’m really hoping that there won’t be a repeat this year.

Adjusting to a couple’s life has been quite daunting at times, but nice. Will is a wonderful compliment to my overly bubbly, exuberant self. He’s very grounded and even at times… stoic. We always joke that I make him nicer and he makes me a little bit tougher. But adjusting to having two people trying to go in the same direction has been difficult at times. Like this morning.

***Next week*** (See what I mean about time?)

I think the worst thing I’ve had to deal with has been everyone sticking their noses where they don’t belong. Family tries to sway decisions this way and that way, coworkers want to know every little thing… It’s incredibly annoying. While well intentioned, sometimes I wish everyone would shut up for two seconds and leave us alone! I don’t want to talk about dresses all the time, and I really, really don’t want to hear about all the problems people assume Will and I will have. This is a learning process for both of us, the only promise I made to Will is that I would love him, stand with him, and try my absolute best.

Here are some annoying things people say:

“You think that love is all that matters…” Of course not, else I would have married a chocolate bar…

“You are dead until the moment you get married, then your life really begins…” Thanks for invalidating my entire life. I really appreciate that.

“You have no experience, if you get married soon your marriage will fail” I wasn’t aware that experience that you are assuming I don’t have is a prerequisite to my success.

“The transition will be incredibly rough” If it is, we’ll get through it. It might not be. We won’t know until we are in the middle of it. All I can do is trust my husband to stand with me and figure it out.

“You might not make it, you know 50% of couples get divorced.” 50% don’t, and who are you to judge either way?

“Am I invited to the wedding???!” ……………………………..?

“When you get to (insert life stage here), you’ll understand” Maybe I have to go through this life stage to get to that one so I can give ominous condescending advice to couples just starting out.

“Are you sure about this?” Noooooo. It just sounded like a lot of fun. In no way is it challenging, in no way does it have the potential to ruin my life and hurt those I love. I just randomly decided to get married because I got really bored and I thought he was cute.

“You don’t look… lovey enough. That’s going to be a problem.” Just because I’m not draped all over him in public doesn’t mean we aren’t in love. I’m sorry, but over the top PDA makes me physically ill. Any PDA in front of my parents is creepy too. Eww.

“If the honeymoon stage is already done, you’re done.” I didn’t know being comfortable with someone was a bad thing. He’s my whole world, but I don’t sit there and gush about it. Like PDA, GAG!

It seems like when something really momentous in someone’s life occurs, instead of being happy, a lot of people are negative. I just wish people would smile, say congratulations, and wish us luck. Ultimately it is up to the two of us to make our relationship everything that we want it to be.

My parents have been very supportive of us, but often like to assume things that just make me want to smash my head into a wall. That lovey comment was my Mom. She was arguing that Will and I disagree vocally quite a bit and don’t give each other googly eyes. She is right on both counts. We are both trying to figure out how to compromise because we are incredibly stubborn. We like our things one way because our way is best. That leads to issues and voices do get raised. But she hasn’t seen us resolve our disagreements, come up with a better solution and move forward. We do that in private, because neither of us want anyone else involved. I can’t help getting mad right in that moment and shooting out a sarcastic comment. But I can appreciate the fine art of shutting up so that’s all anyone hears.

One thing that she was completely right about was how we are both so focused on getting to the next step, we don’t enjoy being together right now enough. Both of us are extremely driven. When we want something, we get it. So both of us have been dealing with pretty heavy stuff all the time trying to figure out how we are going to get to the point of saying our vows and moving in together. We are both too stressed about paychecks, insurance, switching jobs, moving out of state, apartments or houses… that’s just not good. So to fix that, we are going to go spend a weekend away and discuss how we can handle this stress better and be there for each other more.

So that will be where we are this weekend. We shall hopefully have a wonderful time and get to really relax for a little bit. Thankfully throughout the holidays we have quite a few days scheduled off so we will be able to see each other a lot more. It is hard living in two different cities and only getting to see each other on the weekends. Yet another strain on the relationship, but it is definitely making our time together so much more valuable. I’ll be so happy when I get to come home every day and know that he’s there.

I hope all of you are well! I don’t know if I’ll be around more often. I’m going to try to, but that didn’t work out well these past few months….

My Engagement Ring


, , ,

For all those who would wish to see it!

My stone is larger than the one in the picture, it is 1.1 carat solitaire Aquamarine so the setting is more of a square base instead of curved. Will also had the jeweler insert his initials (WS) into the setting. It is also engraved with “In perpetuum diemque”, which means “forever and a day”.

From the front:

My Ring 1

From the side:

My Ring 2

My wedding band:

My wedding band


Those looking to find the ring itself, the link is here.

I Found Him!


, , , ,

I have met my husband.

Thank God and eHarmony and a little thing called hope. Just when I’d almost completely given up (and thank you to everyone who encouraged me to keep my eHarmony account open), the most unexpected and wonderful thing happened… I met Will!

Will is perhaps the most amazing person that I have ever met. There is an inherent goodness in him that I’ve never seen before in another person. When I first saw his profile, the first thing I thought was “oh my Lord, this guy is so out of my league!”… he really is but that is another story.

So what shall I tell you about Will?

Well, when we were first getting to know each other on the site, I asked him so many questions I thought for sure he was going to run. In fact, I kind of wanted him to run so I’d never get hurt. I’ll admit that I was looking and wanted a relationship, but I was so dejected and annoyed with the process I thought that I was better off alone. More time to play Skyrim and eat baconators! So imagine my intrigue when instead of pressing the “next” button, he rose to the challenge. Imagine the look on my face when he began talking to me about religion! He also sent back a slew of thoughtful questions about my family and my paintings… clearly someone I couldn’t dismiss. We’d send pages worth of text to each other every night for weeks, I’d wait eagerly for my phone to go off in the morning so I could read what he sent me. Our first phone call was three hours and it felt like three minutes. He was so open and easy to talk to! One thing I love about Will is the fact that he doesn’t hide anything from me. He is so painfully honest it’s reassuring. He told me about the woman he was with for five years and I told him all about Luis. And that was only the first call! It was so comforting to know someone who has gone through a similar experience. I mean, if you really think about it, things like that leave scars. Only someone who has gone through the same type of thing can understand the fears and the triggers that I have now.

Because we’d spent so much time getting to know each other and had grilled each other so thoroughly, when we actually did meet everything felt so… comfortable. It just felt right. As soon as he got out of the car, all I wanted to do was hug him. He was exactly as he had portrayed (only even more handsome), which in the world of online dating is the equivalent of finding a pot of gold. I’d gotten pepper spray for the occasion, but thankfully using it was the last thing on my mind! I did get the tags off his car though, but he just laughed at me and let me do it.

We got lost on the way to the museum, so we were both laughing and swearing at our phones as we tried to solve the problem. Getting lost was half the fun, especially as we were holding hands and people watching. As we went through, we talked about his family and he answered my relentless questions on how law school was and how he’d gotten to be where he is today. I’d never met someone so open and candid, but also genuinely interested in what I had to say. He’s terrifyingly intelligent, yet he has a solid base of priorities. He has an undergrad in Chemistry and a very formidable law degree, but instead of ruling the world, he works for a healthcare nonprofit. His vocabulary rivals my own and the way he thinks about things is utterly fascinating.

I figured it was going well when we were eating lunch together and I was acting completely normal. I’ll admit that I completely freak out on first dates and usually eat the equivalent of an almond, but I think I ate more than he did. We talked about foreign affairs, politics, investments, traveling… a huge variety of topics and he never skipped a beat. Towards the end, I looked over and I told him “I know this is insane, and I don’t want to be that girl, but it feels like we’ve known each other forever.” I think his face lit up just a little bit. He later admitted that he’d been thinking the same thing.

Fast forward a little bit and here we are today. He looks at me like I’m the only thing in the world that matters. He never gets frightened away by the crazy things I do that really don’t make sense. In a world where affection is conditional I know his is unconditional. The way he speaks to me is unlike anything else. He speaks to me with such kindness and respect that I can’t help but feel so lucky to have him. He is a champion of doing little things, like texting me good morning and good night. He’s currently living over 100 miles away, but he drives down every weekend to spend time with me and he’s in the process of getting a job here.

He has one of the most beautiful hearts I have ever seen, there is an inherent kindness and gentleness to him that takes my breath away. His genuine concern for others and his generous nature are just a few things that truly set him apart from anyone else I’ve dated. He has a striking morality and a passion for doing right by others no matter their circumstance. When I asked him why he always so conscious of others, he responded that each person has potential within them for greatness. He doesn’t ever want to be the person that refused to lend a hand when someone else was in need.

He wants the same things, he admires my strong personality, and above all, he is one of the most impressive, wonderful men I’ve ever met. I feel like I’m the luckiest girl in the world that a man like him would ever love me. But it just works so seamlessly and so effortlessly, I can’t imagine a future without him in it. That doesn’t mean that everything is all love and roses, there are things we must work through just like any other relationship. But I never doubt his commitment, not even for a second.

He makes me happy, but most of all, he makes me want to be better than I am every single day. He brings out the absolute best in me, he encourages me, and he supports me unwaveringly. I’ve always been told that when you know, you know. Now I understand what they meant. I understand now why I’ve had to go through every experience in my past. Although it wasn’t always fun, it was worth the wait.

Annnnnd It’s Gone


, , ,

And... It's gone.

Like my hopes and dreams and all that good stuff

My inheritance that is. It’s completely gone.

To add to the story I began last post, I found out yesterday that the day after my grandfather passed away someone went to the bank and cleared out all of his accounts. They cashed out even the money in holding (taking massive penalties of course) and walked out with everything in cash. The money that my grandfather had was to be distributed equally among his six surviving children. Someone decided that wills and laws were for morons and went renegade. The money that my mother was supposed to receive was going to put in accounts and distributed equally to my sister and I at a later date.

So someone took my inheritance. And I’m not surprised. But I really do hope that whoever it was gets explosive diarrhea at the worst possible moment. That money is cursed, it’s blood money and nothing good will ever come of it. One this is for sure, I’ve heaped on an extra curse just because I can.

Bastards! But on the bright side, they did leave $4 in the checking account. My Dad said we should divide that equally like the rest was supposed to be. We are thinking… $0.22 each, sent certified mail, cash on delivery.

*Evil Laughter*

Happy Easter everyone! Hug your family members tightly and say a prayer of thanks that they aren’t lying, cheating assholes.


When It Just Doesn’t Settle


, , , ,

What do you do if a family member dies and you feel absolutely nothing?

If you have an answer to that question, please plug it in below because I have no clue what to do.

I got news this week that my grandfather died. While most decent and normal human beings would be upset and begin the grieving process, I merely acknowledged the news with a nod as I grabbed a drink from the fridge. It’s no secret that I can be a bit rough around the edges, but even I am finding my emotional reaction a bit… troubling.

My Grandfather was not a nice man. He was not kind, he was not gentle, and he was not honest. His primary trait was selfishness and his specialty was abuse. When my Mother was growing up, he never missed an opportunity to tell her that she was stupid and worthless. He told her that she was fat, ugly, and that she would never amount to anything. Those words, no matter how untrue, will echo in Mama’s ears for the rest of her life. I see her struggle with self esteem and I see the damage that he left. That alone is unforgivable, but the story doesn’t end there.

As wonderful a father as he was, he was an even better husband. He would often quit his job for no reason and then come home to my grandmother (and his 7 children) with some story about how his boss was an asshole. My grandmother had to run  her own farm by herself because he was so undependable. It was common for him to come up with this half thought out scheme and invest all the money my grandparents had, only to abandon it when it got too hard. He made my Grandmother’s life what I would assume would pass as a living hell. She fought hard to keep her family together, but he only cared about himself.

After my Mom and her siblings grew up, he picked clear favorites and threw money at them whenever they came to him with a sob story. There are countless examples of how that ended up badly, but when it came time for those children to take care of him, they lined up to embezzle instead. They took money to add on to their houses so he could live with them, only to sell those houses and never pay the money back. They bought farm equipment, sold the farm, and again… never paid it back. Some took account numbers off of his paperwork and set their bills to auto-withdrawal from his accounts. Or maybe that was one of my cousins? It’s hard to keep track.

One of my aunts agreed to take him in and care for him in her home. She did that for 7 years, cooking his meals, doing his laundry, and putting up with his bids for attention and his manipulative mannerisms. Three weeks ago, when doctors presented him with a test he needed to complete she said he had to do it. He threw a fit and told her that she was awful and that he was giving POA to one of the children described in the last paragraph. They still expected her to continue to take care of him knowing that she couldn’t even take him to the hospital if she needed too. She told them all to go to hell and refused. They removed his things from her home and that was it. The next thing we got from that side of the family was a voicemail saying that he was dead. I have two aunts now as far as I’m concerned. But to be fair, I think that’s all I ever had seeing as one of my other aunts disowned me before I was even born.

I will not be attending the funeral, I simply don’t care enough. I regret the fact that I never got to look at him and tell him that I knew about all the horrible things he did to all of his children. Most of all, I’m sad that my grandmother died first. She was a wonderful woman and if she’d had 7 more years, she would have fixed our family. I feel cheated out of having her longer, and I hate the fact that I’ve never had a loving, close extended family because of him.

They didn’t list any of that in the obituary of course. To the world he’s a decorated veteran, an outstanding Catholic, and a loving father. But that is all a lie, and that’s why I feel apathy. I know it’s wrong to not mourn the dead. Technically I wouldn’t exist if not for him, but that the only redeeming quality I can list. I was angry for many years, now I accept what’s happened and have moved on.

It pulls at my heart to experience such a lack of compassion. I know it’s wrong in my head, but I just can’t feel it in my heart. I just pray that those donations to charity carried a lot of weight with God, because he’s got a lot to answer for.

Despite all, I’ll throw in my prayer for God’s favor, as little weight as that carries. But that’s all that will ever be, and the chapter is closed now.

The Tale of Mr. Twilight


, , , , , , ,

So by now my dating failures have become an endless source of mirth for anyone stumbling across these pages. It’s like I always say: when I mess something up, I mess it up good. In these most recent cases, my experiences have just been plain strange with little or no contribution on my end. A great example of this is the tale of “Mr. Twilight”

Mr. Twilight was named by my friend Ri because he always tries to be this brooding, mysterious figure. It’s like he read Twilight like it was some manual to pick up girls, and he honestly believes that his behavior is intriguing instead of creepy as hell. He lurks about and tries to remain aloof, when he’s really just a tool. I mean, the guy is just a complete and utter asswipe.

If I sound harsh, I’m really not being so in this situation. Let me give you the background:

So, Mr. Twilight is a patient at work. He came in and flirted with me shamelessly the day of his appointment last year. I’m oblivious, so he was obviously putting quite a bit of work into it for me to notice. A week later, when it’s time for him to pick up his contacts, he waits for me to come back from lunch to dispense his lenses (he waited 45 minutes). A couple weeks later, I run into him again at the grocery store and we have a long conversation in the middle of the produce section. He asks for my Facebook, I don’t have one, so I tell him to call me at work. Realizing that was a stupid thing to say on my drive home, I sent him a note apologizing for probably hurting his feelings. I enclosed my number with the apology. He texts me back a few days later, so I ask if he wants to meet for lunch, and he says yes.

My happiness was murdered brutally when my friend Ri looked him up on Facebook. Front and center was a lovely picture of him and his girlfriend, whom I’m assuming he didn’t think I’d find out about on account of me not having a Facebook. I might have had a rage episode filled with swear words I’d rarely used before. Either way, my indignation was palpable. I deleted and blocked his number immediately and swore that I’d never speak to that incorrigible asswipe ever again.  

If you are guessing that the story doesn’t end there, you are correct. A couple months ago he walks into the office to get a quote on contacts. Will he see any of my coworkers? Of course not. He has to wait for me for help him. Of course he proceeds to take a long time, tries to talk to me as if I don’t know what I found out, and then finally takes his leave a long ass time later. Then he comes in to place his order. Then he comes in to pick up his order. This story repeats once more. Also, I hope the dude realizes he wears monthly lenses, because he’s going through those damn things by the truckload. I might mention him wearing dailies because in 6 months, the guy has gone through almost two years of lenses. Also because I’m a snarky, observant bitch.

You Are So Dumb

So then a month later, when the whole Mike issue was going on, I walk into the studio where I take classes and guess who I see? Yup. In fact, the guy is standing right in the entrance of my classroom so I can’t get past him. He makes this huge show of being happy to see me and I was trapped into making small talk. I was about to say something, but I honestly didn’t think yelling “Get the fuck out my face!!” in an art studio was appropriate. I’d never been so happy to see my teacher arrive and save me. Then again this week the dude walks in and asks for another quote on contacts. Does he think we change the price every week? So then he wants to stand at my desk and talk about how busy he is, you know, with the end of semester (he’s a professor). I’m only supposed to have to see this tool twice a year, tops. Once yearly for his exam, another time if he buys his contacts in 6 month increments. I’ve seen this dude in the last 6 months more times than I’ve seen my brother.

Also, he never gets the message. He lurks in the waiting room, wearing his tool suit, drinking his tool coffee, all brooding and angsty as he waits for me to finish up with my patients. He’s always like “Oh, hello Kate? Fancy meeting you here… How are you? It’s so good to (I’m a tool) see (I’m a tool) you (tool, tool, tool).” “I’m just so busy with my (tool) job, see my (tool tool tool) briefcase, it’s so good to be (incomprehensible noise)….” I can’t focus in on what he’s saying for more than a sentence. I listen just enough to get him when he needs from the office, but I just can’t muster any sort of interest for anything beyond. I don’t ask him questions, I don’t show interest… I’m polite of course, but brief and direct.

This guy is becoming a running joke at work. Seriously, who does that shit besides Edward Cullen wannabes?

Courtesy Google

Courtesy Google

Mr. Twilight can go lurk in someone else’s window and be a creep. I have no time for pathetic attempts to be brooding and mysterious, especially when I know that there is no reason for this guy to be visiting my place of work at least once a month. Also, it’s never gonna happen, and I have no clue what he’s wanting out of our exchanges. Because it can not be copious amounts of contacts, unless he’s eating them or something…

Wait, what if he is?

Direction Changes: How My Life Never Goes According to Plan


, , , , , ,

I thought that unfortunate things only happened to select people. People that either didn’t pay attention, didn’t care, or had questionable decision making skills. If anyone had told me long ago that insane things would happen to me, I would never have believed them. I mean, terrible things happen every day. But they happen to people far away, not here. Not to me.

I’m grateful I’m finally standing on my own after all this time. But sometimes I still feel a bit wobbly. This reminds me of when I was learning the balance beam in gymnastics… one foot in front of the other, breathing very controlled, and praying that one of my knees wouldn’t give out. Falling, yet again, is not an option.

The 12th of this month would have been my wedding day. In some ways, I miss the part of my life where I had no fear of the future. No matter what, I thought that Luis and I would get through it together. I was so assured and ready for the new chapter we would have started next week. But that didn’t really work out the way I thought it would. I came home one night to “This is wrong, this is all wrong, there is no way that this will ever work. I’ve thought it through a million times and there is no solution. We’ll never make it. We just won’t, there is no way. I can’t be what you need, I’m not the person you think I am. You see the best in everyone, but there is no way I can be what you need. I don’t love you, if I ever did at all. I’m so sorry, but this is over.”

I feel disappointed in myself. After those words, I went into a free fall. You remember, and if you don’t, feel free to search the archives. All that time I spent piecing myself back together again was necessary, and I know it was. I just hate that I couldn’t have done it faster. I wish I had that ability to just bounce back and hit the ground running again. I lost a good year of my life in that situation. Now, I’ve made substantial progress since that happened. I established my career, got my professional certification, re-established my interests, and I bought a new car. Now I’m seriously considering moving out and making this work on my own.

No matter what I do, I feel a stifling sadness as I consider this next step. I feel like I’m doing all of this alone, and I’m terrified. This next step in my life is always one I hoped to take with someone else. I’m not having any luck in that department and I don’t want to sit around and put my life on hold. Some days, I feel completely fine and prepared for the next step. Then, I think some more about it and I feel like I failed.

I wonder if there was anything I could have done to save my previous relationship. I’ve tried for years now to find someone that even comes close to Luis, but I can’t. It’s so hard to find shared values, interests, and geographical compatibility. I also refuse to settle for anyone that isn’t someone I’d want to spend the rest of my life with. I don’t believe in just dating for the hell of it, and I can’t find anything of quality. I’ve exhausted all means of meeting people, even down to joining eHarmony. Online Dating

I was talking to someone for two months and then he decided that he wouldn’t relocate. The issue with that is that he only lives 3 hours away and he told me right at the start of communication that he’d relocate if things got serious. So I was pissed as hell, but still tactfully ended the communication. I started talking to another guy yesterday but I’ve already ended that because his profile screams contradictions. I’m sure everyone knows the type… the guys who don’t want someone vain or materialistic, but will flip out of you gain 10 pounds and cease to look perfect. The guys who are in church every Sunday, waiving around their Bibles and soaking up the “holier than thou”, but won’t date someone who refuses to sleep with them before marriage. Stuff like that really makes me hate the whole institution.

My biggest challenge thusfar: finding a guy not obsessed with a Jersey Shore stereotype. Guys post pictures of themselves shirtless all the time. All the time. I hate that, it’s like that’s all they think women care about or something, plus it’s just enraging and indecent. Whenever I find a profile of someone actually clothed, I’m feel like sending an award of some type.

Courtesy Google

Courtesy Google

I’m tired of reading “I gotta go to the gym 7 times a week, gotta work on mad muscle, you know? Want a girl who will lift weights with me and run so we can both b fly az hell. Love being ripped, take supplements and drink protein shakes all day. Also love playin sports with my bros. Check this pic of me out! *(insert shirtless dirty bathroom selfie), (insert shirtless sunglasses selfie taken in the car), (insert partying selfie of guido drinking straight out of a beer pitcher)* Come on. I mean, really, come on. I can’t get that selfie song out of my head every time I see a profile like that. Ugh!

I’m thinking of adding to my profile “Must be honest, decent, and kind. Manners and intelligence are a must. A great sense of humor is almost as important as an open mind. I have friends and family members who are gay and who practice all different religions from Hinduism to Kemetic Paganism, intolerance is not an option. My career is established and I have obligations to my family, I cannot relocate. I hate going to the gym and I’m not that great at sports. My drive to be married is extremely high, and I’m very serious about this. Know that before you contact me.” All that because saying “Losers need not apply” is frowned upon in polite company.

I’m thinking about pulling my profile off of eHarmony, I don’t seem to be having the success I thought I’d have. Granted I’ve interacted with about 7 or 8 different guys, 1 seriously… but it’s been about 3 or so months. I originally thought I’d give it 6 months but maybe it would be better if I pulled my profile and focused on moving out and conquering my fear first.

Too many things to think about, but at least I’ve got time. There isn’t a time crunch, I don’t have anyone pushing me. I do have this goal that’s not going well, but I still have the hope that maybe one day this will all fall into place. In the meantime, I’ll continue doing the best that I can. What exactly that entails… well, I’m still working on that.

Who Wants an Adult Beverage?


, , , , ,

I know I do. 

So, I’ve been talking to a man I met through online dating for about a month now. So far it’s been going quite well. There’s a ton to write on this topic, so I’ll have to do one post devoted just to that. Well, if it lasts. With these things, one never knows. 

Work is insane. My partner is on another bender, we hired two new people, and I’ve taken up eating hummus and pretzels by the bucketful. The new guy keeps trying to flirt with me, which I find freaking hilarious because it’s never gonna happen, but hey… I guess I have that magnetism when around another person for 40 hours a week. 

My car’s computer crashed today which was super fun. I had to drive it down to the dealership and I wasn’t able to eat anything until I got home after 5PM tonight. I’m scary when I’m hungry. But I did get a smile out of the deal… the repair men referred to me as “the pretty one” when handing papers back and forth. Good hearing sometimes works in my favor.

I visited some of you today, the rest I hope to see over the weekend. This weekend I have to work (again) because we are behind, then I have a baby shower to wrestle through and then I have to replace heels for work. *sigh* shoe shopping, whatever am I to do?

I’ve set the goal of paying off my car this year. That’s a tall order if I don’t say so myself. Next year the goal is to move out. Because I’m me, I already have two places picked. The rest I’ll have to figure out next year when I’m actually, you know, moving. 

So life is good and bad and messy and stressful, but when is it not? The only day I’m kind of dreading is next month, which holds the 12th, which was supposed to be my wedding day. Thank God I’m not going through with that. I haven’t even worn my rings in the longest time. It feels good to be looking forward and towards something new. 


Is This It?


, , , , ,

I’m back!

Y’all know I’ve kind of put blogging on hold while I attempt to focus on creating a long term relationship with someone. Well, about that… It’s not working out. I wish that I could say that I’ve discovered that perfect someone and that everything is going great, but finding someone decent is like pulling teeth. 

It just feels like I’m slamming into a brick wall over and over again. Online dating aside, the guys I’m interested in aren’t interested in me, the guys I date put on a great show but are ultimately immature, and some guys just ghost. Poof! Mid-conversation on text and they are gone. They ask me out on a date and get my number, then they cancel at the last minute and I never see them again. What the ever loving hell am I supposed to do with this? Seriously, what the fuck am I supposed to do here?

I go online to find success, that’s what I fucking do. I go online everyday and I check my matches. I engage, I respond, I’m in it 100%. I found someone I liked enough to start emailing (a big thing for me), and after a week of emailing, we exchanged phone numbers. We’ve been texting every night for a few days now. He has potential, I’ll admit it. But last night I told him that I swear and that I have road rage, and he responded by saying that he hasn’t cursed in 5 years. I haven’t cursed in 5 seconds! I asked him for more details and then… poof! Gone. Was it an accident? Was it intentional? I have no clue because I haven’t heard anything. Now, he might have a good explanation. I might never hear from him again because I might have walked into a deal breaker land mine. Whoops! There goes my leg!

Being in this process is exhausting, demoralizing, and it just makes me want to cry sometimes. This whole process is very invasive and some days I just don’t have the resilience for it. It hurts. Being passed over hurts, being evaluated so thoroughly is unnerving. There is no comfort zone, there is no safe zone… essentially it’s like standing in the middle of a war zone and hoping to God the person coming towards you is there to help you, not kill you. Every day I feel like there is something wrong with me. That I’m too independent, too outspoken, too stubborn.

I am who I am and I can’t change that. I don’t want to change that. What I want is someone to be just as scared as I am. Someone who knows what I’m feeling. I need someone who won’t use my vulnerability to hurt me. Honestly, I just want to grab that one other person and get the hell off the playing field. I’m tired, I’m just so tired. And I’m frustrated.

I want to know why this is happening to me. Am I being punished? Am I not ready? Am I trying too hard? Am I not trying enough? Am I too picky? Am I too accommodating? Are men afraid of me? Should they be? Am I just not… __________ enough?

I’ve tried dating through school, work, friends… I’ve tried blind dates, meeting people through friends… Hell, I’ve even met people through acquaintances. I’ve dated close friends and complete strangers. I’ve dated different races, different religions, different professions, different political leanings. I’ve dated men with children, men recovering from addiction, men without cars, men that were gay…

Yet I’m here, and I’m not happy. I was supposed to be married on April 12th. The only man I’ve ever loved left me, and I’m still discovering all the baggage he left behind. The issues with self esteem, self confidence… fear. So much fear. The fact that I can’t shake the feeling that no one is coming. The knowledge that some people were meant to be married and have families and live the life I want, but that I might not be one of those people. The uncertainty I face every day, the terror that I might not even be meant for someone.

How do I deal with that? How do I accept my life and accept myself as I am? How do I move forward? I don’t know. No one knows.

How long do I have to go through this hell? Until I find someone, or until I completely give up hope?

Tonight I don’t feel like I can do it much longer. I’m completely demoralized. I’ve stressed over this to the point where I just feel ill. Maybe what I need is to take a break for a bit. Maybe I should dive into it more.

God, will someone just tell me what the hell is going on and what I have to do?